"AITA for ruining a funeral?"
My aunt (dad's sister) passed away and I am back in town so I decided to go to the funeral. She had two children. Her son who lived with her and a daughter I will call Sue. They lived in a small town about 2 hours away. It was going to be a family viewing at the funeral home and then grave side service.
As I was signing the guest book, a cousin I hadn't seen in years came over and we started talking. This was in the hallway before you get to the viewing room. Sue came out and shushed us. I was embarrassed thinking we were talking too loud (even though I didn't think so). So we went into the viewing room. There everyone was sitting and looking at a monitor with videos of the deceased.
They had sad music playing but no one was talking, just sitting quietly looking at the monitor. After about 15 minutes, I whispered to my sister who was in front of me that I was going to bounce. She said she would go out with me, because she had something for me in the car. She and her husband followed me out. Then their adult children and their family followed.
My cousin also came out to talk in the parking lot. I noticed other people leaving also. We all talked in the parking lot for a little while and left. Sue contacted me on Facebook and said I ruined her mom's funeral by leaving and taking half the people with me. I don't think I did anything wrong, but apologized and said I had an emergency come up and had to leave.
She then blocked me. I feel bad that I upset her at her mom's funeral but I have never been to a funeral (family receiving/viewing) where no one was allowed to talk. AITA for leaving the viewing early and having half the room leave with me?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Mrsanjuro75 said:
NTA. It’s not like you stood on a chair and proclaimed, “This blows! Everyone back to my place.” Other people just took their cue from you and followed you out rather than sitting in awkward silence. That’s on them. If it wasn’t you leaving, they’d have left after someone else.
ADHDofCrafts said:
Have people not been to a viewing before? NTA, at all. I’ve never been to a viewing where you couldn’t talk. That’s absurd. And nobody stays for the entire time! You come in, pay your respects, chat quietly with folks. And leave when you’re ready.
Glittering_Focus_295 said:
NTA. A viewing is not a service. The service was later at the graveside. And the people you allegedly took with you? They already wanted to leave. When you left, they saw their opportunity to do the same.
KatzAKat said:
NTA, which surprised me based on the thread title. The viewing is where people gather to grieve together which includes talking with each other, reminiscing about the deceased and times together. Whatever your cousin was hosting wasn't usual for most cultures that I'm aware of. I'm sure the others who left after you were grateful for being released from their confinement. My condolences on your loss.
Personal_Recipe_9122 said:
NTA. It was a viewing...not the actual funeral. The funeral was a graveside service. Viewings are to share memories of the lost loved one. It sounds like people were wanting a chance to leave and they saw their chance when you left.
dncrmom said:
NTA at most wakes or visitations people talk quietly and share memories of the deceased. I’ve never been to one where complete silence is expected.
After reading the comments, OP edited the post to include:
Just for some clarification. In our family it's normally a 3 day process. On day two there is a family night. This is where everyone gets together to talk and remember the loved one. In her case, there was no family night and this was billed as the family will be receiving during this time.
We did not think it would be quiet time to stare at the monitor. Of course the process does change such as for my father, he was in hospice so we told everyone to come see him while he was alive as we would not be holding a formal family night once he does pass. This was his wishes.
UPDATE:
Huge Update: I spoke with my sister last night. She said that Sue and our aunt has been mad since our dad's funeral. My aunt always thought she was better than us. My dad worked with his hands and lived outside the town in a rural area. Our house was not "nice" but worked for us. My dad was a handyman.
He did a lot of work for people who could not afford to call a high priced professional. Many times he did not charge for his emergency services. He would just tell the people buy him a case of coca cola or a pack of cigarettes when they could. When he got sick, a LOT of people from the community came to help out.
There were people cooking in the house or bringing food. Someone cut the grass, washed our cars, cleaned in and around the house etc. Many of these people said this was their way of paying dad back for work he had done for them. When he did pass, the funeral procession was HUGE.
My aunt and Sue said that having "those people" at the funeral embarrassed them. Then in contrast, there were not many people outside the family at my aunt's funeral. I guess when we left, she took it as a slight. I have not been close to them since I left the area years ago, so I will carry on as usual; say hi at the next wedding or funeral and keep moving.