"AITA for 'ruining Christmas' for my boyfriend's family?"
Me (F20s), my BF (M20s), and his brother (B, M20s) lived together peacefully for two years. A year ago, B's long-distance GF (F20s) moved in. We were initially friends, but the dynamic quickly changed. When I got a kitten, the GF became paranoid, despite our cats getting along great, and blamed my kitten for every issue, no matter how unreasonable...
I was told my 10-week-old cat should be trained not to enter her room after she left the door open and something broke. I spent months over-accommodating her to avoid conflict, constantly walking on eggshells.
The core issue was that for six months, the GF did virtually no housework- never touching a broom, dishwasher, or common area-while staying home. Her BF also became lazier, only doing the bare minimum. Me and my bf were feeling overwhelmed with our work and school schedule, so I called a calm house meeting to suggest a chore rotation, without naming names.
They immediately became defensive and demanded an example of what they needed to clean. When I pointed out their dried BBQ sauce on the counters, they denied it, and the GF accused me of "attacking her." The brother reluctantly agreed to help but essentially stopped speaking to me.
The situation peaked when she neglected her cat's litterbox (her only chore) for an entire week in our laundry room. When I politely asked her to scoop it daily due to the strong odor, she told me if it bothered me, I should do it, despite me already scooping two other boxes daily. I received a barrage of texts where she accused me of "bullying" her and trying to make her look lazy.
She sent an itemized list of grievances, including the time I kindly offered them dinner when they were sick. The passive aggression escalated. She later got drunk from the "anxiety I caused her," and her BF blamed me. She then blamed my cat for throw up in her shoe. It was constantly something either my cat did, or some way I slighted her.
After another discussion they agreed to try to get along for the lease remainder. We said hello in the morning, acted polite-even cracked a few jokes. I thought things were getting better. B and GF said they had no issue with me and wanted things to be okay.
Despite this they cancelled attending BF/Bs grandfathers funeral because we were going, and they couldn’t stand pretending to like me. My BF angrily confronted his brother over this. They then announced we had created an "abusive environment," left abruptly in two days, flipped us off while departing, and stuck us with the full rent and bills. We have been blocked ever since.
Every year, my BF's large family gathers at a cabin for Christmas. Now, the siblings are divided and arguing over who should attend - me/BF or the brother/GF. The stress is threatening to cancel the long standing family tradition. Some siblings are blaming me for ruining Christmas by starting the conflict. I feel like I started a terrible domino effect. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
GnomieOk4136 said:
Good Lord. His siblings ruined their own Christmas by getting this wrapped up in things that had absolutely nothing to do with them. His brother and gf moved out of their own accord. Are the rest of his siblings teenagers? That is the only thing that would make this nonsensical overreaction remotely understandable. NTA.
Living-Ear8015 said:
NTA, but bow out. Let your boyfriend go if he wants to, but your presence will cause issues and it not be a good time for you. The rest of the family will soon see the GF is the issue.
Mundane-Run6179 said:
NTA. I think your BF's brother is the golden child and they're blaming you bc their "precious baby" surely couldn't be the problem.
Needs_Perspective269 said:
NTA. The partner of a person always gets blamed for family changes. Even if the family itself is the cause of the change. You got stuck with two immature people and asked for normal household help. It‘s so stupid and immature to bail on a funeral. It’s all on them, not you.
j_jqqq said:
NTA. Everyone should be invited to Christmas, and if everyone attends, they should act like adults. But where the hell does your boyfriend appear in this saga? Why isn't he managing his brother?
Gangster-Girl said:
NTA. Remind people that after 2 years of living together peacefully, the only change/addition was THE GIRLFRIEND (her cat is blameless). Any problems that arose can be traced back to THE GIRLFRIEND and B’s accompanying attitude. Seriously. I’m astounded that B thought HIS GIRLFRIEND was more important than his grandfather’s funeral.
Ren1221 said:
NTA. They need to grow up, be adults, and take responsibility for their issues.
CrazyOldBag said:
NTA. You said your BF’s/B’s mom is on your side. Why on earth hasn’t she put her foot down and told them to knock off the nonsense? She should say that either ALL of you can come (and everyone WILL be civil), or she’s not bothering to have Christmas.