"AITA for siding with my mom instead of my wife?"
My wife and I have a son who is about to turn five. My parents, mostly my mom, have been providing us with free childcare since he was a few months old. My mom follows all our requests (no screens, no added sweeteners) and gives our son a level of care no amount of money could buy (and we couldn't afford even the inferior level anyway).
Our son loves my parents (he loves my wife's parents too, but he sees them way less) and is always happy when I drop him off and when my wife picks him up. I have an older brother that has issues, and my parents have bailed him out several times in the past. A few years ago he totaled the car they bought him, and they said they were done helping.
It turns out they have been paying his rent for the last two years. My wife made a comment about how the squeaky wheel gets the grease and no one will ever wonder who their favorite is. My mom was mad and said she sends 40+ hours a week on us, and she can do whatever she wants with her money whether that be paying her son's rent, pissing on it or setting it on fire. It was definitely an extreme response.
My wife demanded an apology and said she didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. My mom apologized for being vulgar but said the sentiment stands and she wants my wife to be quiet about her financial decisions. They went back and forth until my dad made my mom go upstairs. My wife seethed the whole way home.
My wife wants to stop relying on my mom for childcare. She said her mom can do some babysitting and we can find a daycare until school starts in the fall. She said she couldn't trust our son with someone emotionally volatile.
I told my wife she was the instigator and asked why she couldn't just ignore information about my brother. I said our son loves his grandparents, and yanking them away from him right before he transitions to kindergarten might traumatize him. I also reminded her we can't afford daycare.
My wife said I'm unsupportive and siding with my family against her. I'm not trying to be unsupportive, just to give honest feedback. Should I just have said she was right even though I don't think she is?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Negative-Bill3792 said:
If your mom has been babysitting for almost 5 years, she’s been giving you and your wife a financial benefit even greater than 2 years of rent. She could have saved you all over 100k (at 2k a month)— AND she’s giving your child one on one attention which he wouldn’t otherwise get. YOU and your wife, by extension, are the favorites. Your wife is an idiot. NTA.
cottagecheezplz said:
NTA - Your wife was rude to say that to your mom. It's your moms money, it's also nobody else's business. I would be angered if she said that to me, and I don't get angry that easy.
fernincornwall said:
I wanted to do an original take here but… NTA. Not because your wife is being mean to your mom! Whatever… they’re adults. They’ll figure it out. Your wife is engaging in that most unforgivable of adult behavior- hurting your son because SHE is angry.
You see this a lot in divorces: one spouse is sooooo angry at the other spouse that they are willing to hurt the kids to hurt the spouse. It’s never the right thing to do. NTA.
MinuteElegant774 said:
NTA. Your wife sounds rude, entitled and immature. She needs to apologize to your mom for inserting herself in something that isn’t her business in any way nor does this affect her in any way (unless your wife wants that money for you/herself).
larabalalala said:
NTA I think your wife forgets how tough getting good childcare is!
AWanderingSoul said:
NTA. First off, you don't ever have to take her side just because she's your wife. You take as side because you think it's the right one to take. Your wife started off being offensive with her talk of favoritism. That was rude and not her place, as was telling your parents how to spend their money.
Your mom escalated things with her response, but your wife set the bar with her initial accusations. Your wife should be saying sorry too. It should be pointed out that, from your mother's point of view, paying rent for your brother to be out of her hair and living elsewhere is about peace of mind. For her, for the grand kids...etc. You can count it as one more thing she's doing for you.
You wife is being selfish and immature about moving the child care going forward. She has no idea what the kids are going to have to deal with and she sure as heck will not be getting million dollar personalized care for the pittance you guys can afford to spend. That she would do that just because she feels slighted makes her a far worse person than she's making your brother out to be.