"AITA for telling my daughter she's not autistic?"
My (F49) daughter (F18) was a problem child when she was little. Her school recommended me to get her assessed for autism when she was 12, I did (although I knew she wasn't even then), psychologist said she's not, so thats the end of that.
For a couple years all was normal, but now she’s started with it again. Casually mentioning she can't wear certain clothes or eat certain food “because of the autism." She doesn't just throw it around as a joke, either. She is 100% serious.
A couple weeks ago we were on vacation, I took my younger kids to see the Statue of Liberty, my daughter went to the national history museum. She liked it a lot, was there from opening to closing and color coded the map based on her favorite rooms. She was showing it to her brother at our hotel room and her brother asked her “are you sure you’re not autistic?”
And I interjected and said that she's not. She got upset and I told her she cant self-diagnose with everything she sees online. She got upset and wont talk to me now. AITA? I feel like i just told her the hard truth, someone had to pop her bubble.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
e11emnope said:
Diagnosing Autism is not a perfect science, and diagnosing girls has been particularly imperfect. I absolutely would not consider one test on a preteen girl 6 years ago definitive proof that she does not have it.
If she recognizes it in herself, and has had teachers recognize it in her, and has had family members recognize it in her, it's absolutely possible. Honestly, I think YTA for being so weirdly insistent that she's not.
sweet_caroline20 said:
She needs a reassessment. Neurodivergence is under diagnosed in girls and is sometimes missed.
Own_Intern9024 said:
I wonder why she was a "problem child"? I'm sure it didn't have anything to do with her having an unsupportive, dismissive parent though. You probably make her feel like she is wrong and bad all the time. So what if she does or doesn't have autism? Maybe try listening to her for once, instead of always thinking you are right all the time.
Interest-Amazing said:
YTA, girls are notoriously misdiagnosed because of preconceived ideas of how autism looks in primarily white boys. It is completely possible she is autistic and was not evaluated properly.
Helen_305 said:
YTA one psychologist’s opinion at age 12 many years ago is not a definitive no. Girls have historically been missed and autism assessments have changed to accommodate girls’ presentation of autism. The fact that it’s been a question before means it should still be a question. She needs supporting in exploring this further not invalidating.
french-fried13 said:
Not gonna judge, but young girls are massively under-diagnosed when it comes to conditions like adhd and autism. It can sometimes take seeing multiple experts for a girl to finally get a diagnosis.
WeeklyPermission2397 said:
YTA. I'm not qualified to say whether or not she's autistic, but ultimately I think it's irrelevant. You are supposed to be her supportive, emotionally regulated role model. Instead, you are taking an approach that is not only dismissive, but punitive. How does this threaten you? Is there an underlying fear about what it might mean for you and your parenting if she was autistic?
As I say, the label is irrelevant. She is using it as a vehicle to communicate to you that she's struggling and wants to better understand how she fits into the world. You don't even have to use the word "autism" to be curious and supportive about that.
You could just start by spending more time with her and learning how she perceives her difficulties. Instead, you're trying to shut her down. What will happen next is she will stop trying with you and find someone else who makes her feel heard.