'AITA for telling my dad he should bathe his own daughter?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my dad he should bathe his own daughter?"

So I (f19) have two sisters but only one is important to this. So my sister, let’s call her A (f18 but cognitively 9), has been severely disabled since birth. She was born with a super duper rare defect in her brain and one of the many consequences of that is pour motor skills which make it impossible for her to bathe herself, among other things.

My dad (m51) has consistently refused to bathe her since she hit around 13 because he says it’s illegal (she had medical intervention to start puberty about a year ago cause she doesn’t produce the hormones so it wasn’t a puberty thing) and has told me that, as her older sister, it’s my job.

Now, A doesn’t care about this because I’m the only person who’s ever actually helps her with anything, but I don’t think it should be my job and only my job seeing as I plan to move out as soon as I can find a stable income, hopefully in the next six months for my own health reasons.

As soon as I realized her reliance on me, I started trying to reverse it, but that’s difficult when you’re expected to do all the caretaking.

Ever since he started brushing this job off onto me, I’ve told him he shouldn’t sxualize bathing his disabled daughter, but he just turns it around onto me and tells me he can’t because “she has boobs” and “the courts disagree with you”. I don’t want this to be another thing that A will be left to figure out all on her own. AITA for not wanting to bathe her?

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: I should add, my mom IS in the picture, but she goes out with friends some nights and she likes visiting her family (they're many provinces away).

Another Edit: a few ppl have been confused about the cognitively 9 bit and taken that to mean it’s just a mental delay, but tis not. She is missing part of her brain, and other parts are damaged. She has impaired vision, speech, and movement as well as extremely low muscle tone. Also I’m in Canada.

ANOTHER another edit: I worded the thing about my mother absolutely atrociously. Yay autism. To clarify, my mother does the bathing when she is home, however she is home about 80% of the time, and A still needs baths in that extra 20%.

Example: my mother is the only person who can take care of my 9 and 4 yo cousins while their mother is on a work trip, and so I was in charge of bathing this morning. She doesn’t go out Willy nilly, she goes to her sports things two or three times a week, and goes out for dinner with her friends a few times per month. She does suck, but not cause of this. She sucks for other, unrelated reasons.

Another another another edit for the ppl saying to get an at home nurse: That’s the future plan, but my parents have an “our family is so perfect and nothing is wrong and we’re so loving and the ideal suburban family” persona that would most definitely make that impossible. The end game plan is for A is a group home with 24/7 nursing staff, but they’d never let in a home health nurse.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

hereforthescones wrote:

You were already NTA but the fact that you say your mom is also in the picture but “has her own life” is double NTA. I def think the word “parentification” gets thrown around too much but this is a clear example.

Please save every bit of money you can and move out (preferably far away) from your negligent and irresponsible parents. Neither of them should have any life that doesn’t involve ensuring adequate care for ALL their children is met first.

OP responded:

The end goal is for me and my partner to move halfway across the country so that we’re closer to both of our extended families and we never need to risk running into parents in public.

dalealace wrote:

Ask him if it will be s#$ual when he’s 90 and you’re bathing him? It’s a family member who occupationally needs help. It’s not, it’s human hygiene. I understand why he’s uncomfortable but your dad either needs to put that aside and accept this is part of taking care of his child or hire a carer now that you’re ready to leave the nest.

OP responded:

Trust me, I will not be the one bathing him when he’s 90. Not only do I not wanna keep contact for that long, but also my health condition is degenerative so I’ll be bedbound. 😂

WelferdNelford wrote:

NTA, and your Dad is full of crap. There is nothing illegal about bathing a disabled child, regardless of their age (or stage of puberty). Your Dad is simply pushing his responsibility onto you. Stick to your guns about moving out when you can.

"A will be left to figure out all on her own."

Is she even capable of doing that?? If so, your Dad is doing your sister a disservice not to teach her how to bathe.

OP responded:

She’s not capable, which is what has me the most worried and what makes me feel the most guilty. I’ve spent years trying to teach her to do more independently but she doesn’t have the dexterity.

Dazzlelove wrote:

NAH. In an ideal world neither of you would do this and as another commenter said, a carer could do it. However dad isn’t either. I doubt he is s#$ualising this but more fearful of being accused of SA or feeling like he is doing so.

I’m a female dr and when I have to examine children of either s*x for genital conditions, I feel like an a#$er because I know this will be traumatic for them (though partly it is my past experiences in my childhood too.

I know commenters think parents should be perfect beings where dads bathe their adult daughters without being uncomfortable about it but that isn’t reality and doesn’t mean he is being creepy.

OP responded:

Thank you for this. I was really worried about the whole him s#$alizing her thing cause he’s always been really cautions with anything remotely similar, but you telling me this and also knowing about all of his own trauma from his childhood it makes sense he'd be scared of how he’s perceived.

CSurvivor9 wrote:

NAH It is not your responsibility, but I see your Dad's perspective, too. If Dad is the only parent here and you don't want to help anymore, then he needs to hire an at home caregiver to help with tasks like these where he feels uncomfortable. He'll need to when you move out, which I assume will be soon based on your age. Also, moving out helps you gain your independence from being that caregiver.