"AITA for telling my wife I'm done hosting her family?"
I have been married for six years. We have a decent sized house so we've always hosted holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter. My own family (parents and sisters) doesn’t stay here. My wife’s parents, her brother and his wife, and their two kids. About 8 people total.
Here's the thing. They show up empty handed every single time. No food, no drinks, no offering to help cook or clean only few times when asked to help. They sit on the couch watch football and wait to be fed. Then after dinner they go home and leave us with all the mess.
I've mentioned this to my wife before. She said that's just how they are and they're guests. But they're not guests at this point. It's been six years. Last week her mom texted asking about preparations for Easter Sunday. I told my wife I'm done. I said if they want to come they need to bring something and help clean up or at least send money for something.
My wife said I'm only making things weird and she did all the work before we got married. Her brother and parents aren’t used to doing anything with her around. She said my suggestion will only make things awkward and stop her family from coming over. I said I'm tired of being used as a free restaurant. We spend a lot on food and three days cooking and cleaning while they do almost nothing.
She told me she'll handle it and later told me she called her mom and asked if they could bring a dessert and her mom said she’s not a good baker and she thinks that got her mom got upset because she changed the subject immediately.
Now my wife thinks I don’t want her family around since she never complained herself about work. Her mom hasn't confirmed if they're coming and that seems like my fault. She’s asked if I could call them to ask if they’re coming and I’m not going to call. Does that make me an A-Hole?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
toofarkt said:
I have family like this and here is how I handle it: I lowered the bar for entertaining them. I grab a couple of cheap pizzas at Costco instead of making dinner for example. I put out a plate of fruit and store bought muffins for breakfast. We even buy cheap coffee so we aren’t using our “good” stuff on them.
Give them jobs. I assign jobs to anyone just sitting around while I’m working. Dishes, clearing the table, letting the dog out, and taking the trash out can all be easily assigned to people. Once someone made a comment about be assigned a task. I replied “all of our other guests offer to help and since you don’t, I figured I needed to ask.” Good luck!
Glittering-Paper4516 said:
“Hi everyone! This year we’ll be doing this potluck style. Wife and I will provide the turkey and mashed potatoes. Please select one of the following to bring. We also ask that this year, everyone helps tidy so we can enjoy each other as family.” It’s not hard. NTA.
2cents0fcks said:
They're not guests, they're family. Their arms also aren't broken. And if they are "not a good baker," they can 1) learn, or 2) bring a store-bought pie or something, then help with cleanup. I also find it ironic that when you had your limit, your wife agreed to take over all the work, and then immediately asked her family to pitch in...
So she knows exactly how much it is to take on by herself, too, and also wasn't willing to do it alone. "Now my wife thinks I don't want her family around." Honestly, I wouldn't, either. What a bunch of entitled moochers. NTA.
MarzipanMarzipan said:
NTA I have in-laws like this. I am blunt and probably rude about it bc it doesn't matter if they like me. "Oh hey man. You come to sleep on the entire living room couch while everyone around you is cooking and cleaning and wrangling children (including yours) again this year?"
"Hey man, I noticed you always leave the table early so that you can steal Mom's recliner and make her sit in a hard chair in her own home. You never steal Dad's seat-- only Mom's. Why is that?"I don't give a f f they like me. We don't need respect from people we don't respect. My family's dignity is more important than their selfishness.
Icy-You3075 said:
NTA. I feel bad for your wife though. Her family must have done a number on her if even as an adult, she's afraid of speaking up and asking them to act with respect.
Vast_Impression5655 said:
So, your wife was a doormat to them and now she expects you to act the same? No thank you. Your in-laws sound horrid!