'AITA for forbidding my ex from coming to my house without notice?'

"AITA for forbidding my ex from coming to my house without notice/uninvited?"

I have been divorced for 5years now.

We share children. Ex (Max) now lives 5minutes away, after following me to the city 3 years ago (I had to move for one of our children's medical needs).

I own my house independently, and it was purchased after the divorce, so Max has no claims to my property. Three times in the last week Max has arrived at my house with no notice. The first time was random, they collected the kids from school (not planned, they usually walk) and arrived to say hi or something.

Then I had a 'friend' sleep over because the children were at Max's house and had to race around because Max's new partner Sam (they met 4 weeks ago, Sam moved in on the first date, met the kids the following day) arrived with the children to collect a toy.

I choose not to have new partners around the children for at least a year, and the friend who slept over is not a serious relationship, so won't be meeting the children. This is not a jealousy issue, Max's last partner was lovely and we were very friendly. I have also had a serious partner since the divorce, but that relationship ended 2 years ago.

And today when I was at work Max came over to visit the teenagers without checking first. It feels very violating to have people in my home with no notice, especially when I know it's messy! I have documented all this, and have security camera footage. I have sent a message rescinding any permission to be on my property.

My next step is legal action, but we have coparented well until now, with the kids going between houses when they want (but always checking first with both adults). AITA for expecting notice before the ex comes to my house and not allowing them to come and go freely?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Frankifile wrote:

Try mediation first. Tell your ex unless given prior permission from you, they are not allowed to enter your home.

Tell the children this too, they can go out with their parent, as per normal.

The parent is not allowed to enter your home it’s your home and the other parent is not a part of your home. Just as friends don’t turn up randomly without invitation, the other parent is not allowed to either. I’d tell the other parent this is an attempt to draw up boundaries in an amicable manner. But you will escalate, if needs.

OP responded:

We have done mediation previously, to organise custody ('time with children' is the term used). And I've said in writing three times this week to message first.

shittereddit wrote:

NTA. How old are the kids? Can you explain to them that mom doesn't want their dad and dad's partner coming around when mom is not there?

OP responded:

The youngest is 8yo and yes I've tried to explain that we don't randomly visit people, and model that when they want to see Max (getting them to message first and receive a yes).

Nervousdogfarts wrote:

INFO and NTA - Has he visited your house unannounced since your message asking for notification? Does he enter your home without you there? I am hoping he has honored your requests so legal action is not necessary.

OP responded:

I've asked each time this week to message first. Today is the third time in the week (Thurs, Sat, Weds).

chi_townbat wrote:

You need to make sure the school knows that Only You are allowed to pick the kids up from now on.

OP responded:

It's fine for them to collect the kids, but I expect communication beforehand 'hey I'll grab the kids and see you shortly if that's ok?', rather than just taking them.

huminous wrote:

How long ago did you send a message indicating your ex does not have permission to come to your house without giving you notice? Did the three surprise visits you've described occur after that message was sent?

This sounds like something to have an in person conversation about, to set boundaries regarding unexpected/unannounced visits and also to work out some protocols in relation to picking up the kids from school unexpectedly.

Your ex needs to let you know when they're doing that, just as you should let them know if you're doing anything unexpected in relation to the kids. You both should have a clear sense of where your kids are at a particular time.

It may seem fine to your ex to visit their teenage child on a whim, but different rules apply when they're an ex. That shouldn't be hard for your ex to understand. It should also be clearly understood that neither of you ever bring the children home unexpectedly unless you check first, because obviously what you’re doing at home can very much differ if you know your kids are not expected home.

Would Max and Sam like their kids to unexpectedly walk in the door while they're having some uninhibited “kids are not home” s**? Again, this should all be obvious. But apparently it isn’t, so have the conversation that's clearly needed. NTA, but maybe hold off on any kind of legal action until you've had proper conversations about this. If you've coparented amicably until now, this is likely all very solvable.

OP responded:

The visits were Thursday/Saturday/Wednesday, and I messaged after each occasion, to avoid discussing in front of the kids. Max said 'my bad, sorry' and then did it again, twice now.

ThrowaWweddingwoe wrote:

No offense but unless there's a lot more incidents you aren't relaying it doesn't sound like they coming and going freely. It sounds like you have been letting the children take on a lot of the load regarding communication and movement between the two of you and as a result your ex is getting invited over to hang, asked to come over to collect)drop off, or required to pick something up by the kids.

If I was going to guess I'd say you are the more responsible parent with more of their stuff, activities, etc at your house. The result of that being to get stuff, play stuff, just hang the preference for the kids is your home which they are constantly running back to even when in his care which means he's either doing stuff with them there or running back to get their stuff.

Rather than go nuclear and look at legal action (I'm not even sure you have a case) maybe you both need to discuss putting more structure around who has the kids, what they do when they have them and how stuff is moved between homes. I think you like the idea of this free form movement for your kids but the reality is it leaves you with minimal privacy.

OP responded:

My legal options are to start hand over at school/shops, and a restraining order (as they have been asked three times now not to arrive unannounced, which is considered harassment here), but I don't want to do that due to the stress.

Also, when we attended mediation after separating Max went 'weird' and he went non contact with the kids, and didn't show up for the ordered time with them for 6 months.

ETA: the kids all have devices and can contact Max freely, which hasn't been an issue. I don't want to restrict their communication at all, and I think it's good they are in contact more these days.

I just want a courtesy message before arriving at my house, which takes 2 seconds to say 'kids need XYZ, can I come by?' I model this, and ask before bringing them things they need while at Max's "Kiddo wants a book, can I drop it off?"

International-Fee255 wrote:

NTA. It's very intrusive to have someone coming over unannounced, almost like they qre checking up on you. It's unreasonable for him to turn up without asking you. You meed to be vocal in front of the children too "No Max, you can't come in. I have asked you to check in with me before you arrive.

I appreciate you bringing the kids home but you can't come in without arranging it first". And tell the teenagers you hav asked him to let you know before he comes over and that they can (but not that they have to, to prevent parental alienation) tell him that he can't come in because he didn't check with you first.