'AITA for forcing my father's partner to take back a lie she told my children?' + NEW UPDATE
"AITA for forcing my father's partner to take back a lie she told my children?"
I’ll preface this by saying I don’t have the best relationship with my father, and his partner “Blair” is a big part of the reason why. While I don’t hate her, she is extremely obnoxious and childish.
She’s also horrible with boundaries. It feels like any time someone tells her “no,” she hears “maybe.” She’s been like this for as long as I’ve known her, but it’s become harder to deal with since I had children, so I try to keep some distance.
Anyway, Blair and my father are planning on going to Orlando in July. About a month ago, she asked whether me, my husband and our kids (7M and 3F) wanted to join them.
I thanked her for inviting us, but said no, because we’re planning on going next January and there’s a pretty big chance I’ll have to work in July. Also (and I didn’t say this to her), we’ve been to Orlando with her before and my husband has stated he'd rather eat glass than do it again.
A week later, Blair told me they were getting their tickets and asked me whether I was sure we wouldn’t join them. I said I was. Days after that, my sister called me - Blair had told her I was “thinking about going” while inviting her and her boyfriend. I, once again, told Blair we wouldn’t go.
Finally, Blair asked me if I’d be okay with her and my father taking my kids to Orlando. I said no, because we’re not even in the same hemisphere as the U.S. and I wouldn’t let my young children travel to a different country without me or my husband.
Last week, my sister babysat my kids while my husband and I went out. While we were gone, Blair visited to drop off a gift she and my father had bought for my husband. She also took the opportunity to tell my children we were all going to Orlando in July.
My daughter didn’t care about it much at first (I think she didn’t really register it), but my son got very excited right away. He kept talking about how much he wanted to go to Disney and asking about the trip. And after watching her big brother like that, my daughter jumped on the bandwagon with him. It was both heartbreaking and infuriating to watch them like that.
I called Blair and said she had two options: either she told my kids she’d lied and they weren’t going to Orlando or I did. I added that if she told them, she’d have the opportunity to apologize and explain herself, but if I did, I would not do that for her.
Blair chose to call my children herself. I kept the phone on speaker to make sure she was apologizing, explaining everything, and making it clear we wouldn't go to Orlando in July. Both my children (especially my son) were upset, but by husband and I had a talk with them and managed to cheer them up.
My father texted me yesterday. He said that he didn't appreciate the way I dealt with this. Blair is still upset and thinks my kids are mad at her now. He wants me to apologize or at least try to get my kids to forgive her, but I don't see why I should.
She was the one who lied to my children, and I'm not responsible for Blair's feelings. We're still on this back-and-forth, and I can tell neither of us is particularly proud about this. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I would seriously consider a NC period until Blair learns that lying has consequences.
NoOrlando_25 (OP)
I've considered going LC with Blair for a while. Not due to lies (this was the first time she lied to my kids), but because dealing with her genuinely feels like dealing with a child.
NTA!! blair crossed a VERY CLEAR boundary. you have no reason to apologise at all. i wouldnt have even given her the opportunity to explain herself. so low of ur father to think either of them have the right to ask for an apology after that!!
Dad - I am the way I am because you raised me to know that lying is wrong. I want my kids to learn the same lesson. You also taught me to take responsibility when I screw up. I passed that lesson along to Blair. You’re a good Dad and a good Grandfather. I’m relying on you to help teach my kids the same lessons that I learned from you. The same lessons I’m passing on.
NTA - She is upset she got caught trying to force your hand when you had clearly already said no. Now she is gonna play the victim for an issue she caused. Don't give her the attention she so clearly wants.
NTA. Of course Blair thinks your kids are mad at her - they should be. Blair created this situation by lying to them and now she gets to accept the consequences. You can certainly discuss with your kids what it means to forgive someone who has done something wrong - everyone needs to give and receive forgiveness at some point.
But the ideal result is for your kids to tell Blair that they forgive her for lying to them when they are ready to do so. That will reinforce Blair’s responsibility for this situation.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
I want to start off by saying my kids are both doing well. My daughter’s birthday is coming up, which she’s very excited about. My son is also doing better, but he’s still a little upset. A few days after my first post, I was tucking him in when he asked me why Blair had been mean to them.
There was no way to answer that question that felt fair to my children. She lied to them because she wanted to. She did what she did to manipulate us. I don’t know whether she expected me and my husband to put our careers and sanities on hold to join them in July or to let her take our children to freaking Florida without their parents. Either way, it’s not happening.
We weren’t sure how to deal with this. Going low contact felt too much like a “maybe,” which I already know means “yes” in Blair, but cutting ties felt like too much. In the end, we decided on a “time out” period. She won’t have any type of contact with the kids until the holidays. We’ll extend that period if necessary.
I told both her and my father about this over the weekend. She cried, and my father and I fought again. There wasn’t really anything remarkable about what was said at first. It just felt the same as other fights we’ve had in the past, so I didn’t register much.
Then he started comparing Blair to my children. One of the things he said was: “When kids are excited about something, it’s fine, but when Blair is, you have to rain on it?”
That’s what really pissed me off. I told him Blair is not a child. If he wants to treat her like one, that’s on them. But he can’t expect me to parent a 40-something year old woman who can’t understand the word “no” when it’s said to her.
I did have another conversation with my father the next day, and it was more peaceful. He apologized for most of what he said, but a lot of it sounded like damage control. I told him we needed some space. We’re not cutting ties, but we’ll probably have less contact for a while.
In retrospect, I think I wrote that original post because I couldn’t understand where Blair was coming from. Now I realize I don’t have to. I’ve been tolerating Blair’s behavior for years, but I can’t allow my kids to be affected by it again.
I think I explained my family mostly well in the comments last time, but feel free to ask me whatever you want to know. Thank you for your reassurance.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
Good job at putting up boundaries and enforcing them.
My MIL had about 4 to 5 years of time out. And my oldest is only 7. Some people never learn.
NoOrlando_25 (OP)
Wouldn't be surprised if we ended up not seeing Blair until after our trip next year.
“I was tucking him in when he asked me why Blair had been mean to them.“
Dude what do you even say to this? Like to a kid for damage control?
I think it depends on how you want the kid to feel after the talk. If Blair wasn't otherwise problematic you could tell him that sometimes people make mistakes. That they'll say or do things that they don't really mean, and it's never your fault. That's why it's important to be kind to people and own up to your own mistakes.
If you don't want them further exposed to it you can instead pivot to saying Blair really wanted us to go on the trip, even though we explained why we couldn't. So, as a result, she tried lying to her own way. Which is a bad thing and why she's not in our lives anymore, because we can't trust her.