'AITA for 'forcing' my husband to take in his estranged daughter despite his wishes?' UPDATED 3X

"AITA for 'forcing' my husband to take in his estranged daughter despite his wishes?"

So, my husband at I are currently cooling down from a fight. And he called me a few things, including an AH. Everything is a bit of a mess right now, so emotions are running high but I really need a sanity check and maybe some fresh arguments because I feel like we are going in circles.

Long story long: my husband had a daughter when he was in his early 20s with his ex girlfriend. They were not good for each other, a lot of fighting and just emotional abuse. So they split just before the child was born. He has been very open about this in our relationship and how he regrets not taking more care to not get her pregnant because they were young and immature and stupid.

He never really got to build a relationship with his daughter, her mother would just keep the kid from him and made it clear that she did not want him in their life. He has paid child support the whole way through but it has been uphill for our entire relationship.

When we met my husband had matured greatly and was eventually ready to start a family. So I have seen a bit from the sideline. When our first child was born, his ex went for more child support because "if he can afford a new kid, he can afford to pay up". She is always being super nasty in any conversation they might have. And she taught their daughter the same thing.

He has tried to at least get a phone call for Christmas and last year his daughter said some really awful things on that call. Calling him deadbeat and other awful things, telling him she hates him and never wants to get to know him. She is 13 now, so I know that her mother is still influencing her a lot but she is also reaching an age where he can't just say that she doesn't know what she is saying or how hurtful it is.

So my husband has basically given up trying. None of them want him to try, so he resigned to that. A few days ago, he got a call. The core of it is that his daughter told a teacher that she was being SA'ed at home. CPS showed up and her mother split, disappearing. They want her to come live with us.

My husband want to decline. He has no relationship with this child, she seems to hate his gut, we have younger children and honestly, no experience dealing with a trauma like that. He believes she would be better off with a foster family who knows what they are dealing with. I told him that there is no way this kid got abused, abandoned and then getting rejected from the only family she has.

We are taking her in and we will figure out the rest. That poor kid needs som stability, not getting tossed around in the system. Currently we are not in agreement and I know that he has the last word since I'm just his partner and not related to this girl. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is a huge red flag and that he needs to step up to be a father for her too?

Edit: Okay, I'll try to clear up a few things.

I'm aware I have no legal say in the matter but my husband and I are a team and a family, so my opinion matters to him.

Neither of us have experience with the foster system, so we are really just going off what we think we know. I want to thank everyone who has been able to elaborate a bit more on this.

Yes, my husband was a deadbeat dad in the beginning.

Later on he's been able to see that they were a really bad match but that he should probably have tried harder. Once visits became an option he tried but she would "forget" and not be home or say it wasn't the date they agreed on and stuff like that. Maybe he could have gone through court but he just gave up really. Hindsight is 20/20 but it doesn't change the fact of the now unfortunately.

Mini update: We sat down to have a talk about why the discussion had gone off the rails. Not touching the subject yet but just why we ended up in a screaming match. He told me that he was completely overwhelmed by this and was in a panic.

According to him, the CPS-person had made it sound like he could take her in or she would go into a system that spits out "d#$g-addicted prostitutes" as one comment colorfully put it. He feels really guilty for letting this happen to his kid. Even if she hates his guts, he feels like he should have done something to prevent this.

I guess I was too focused on how bad his daughter might be off right now to truly see that he was hurting just as bad right now. We've agreed to talk about it again in the morning in a more calm setting and try to get some more facts about what can be done. It's like 2AM and I'm exhausted but we have both called off work tomorrow so we can take the time we need. I hope there is a positive update in the near future.

The internet was deeply invested.

Human-Jacket8971 wrote:

What you are trying to do is admirable, but will likely blow up your family. You cannot even imagine the damage that has been done to this child. The stress will be so hard on your entire family and your children don’t deserve that anymore than the daughter deserved what was done to her.

There’s another option. Foster care placement with frequent visits. She can start therapy and have time to get to know you and your family. Your family can start therapy and learn ways to handle her and help her. It may work out or it may not, but you’ll have tried while balancing your children and giving your husband time to adjust. You’re not abandoning her this way.

UnpleasantGremlin wrote:

If you make this choice unilaterally theres a real chance you are going to destroy your family. Think about that for a minute...the simple fact is, that although its objectively the right thing to do, many people are NOT equipped in the first place to help people who have trauma.

Asking someone who is probably already one of these people to take under their wing someone who has also been part of their OWN trauma...could end badly. Real chance he could just go "F this, you want to take her in? She's your problem" and start divorce proceedings.

Also...you have young kids of your own? You REALLY want to inflict the tension of this on your own family too. Also there's the fact that if she isn't helped as much as she needs it - which I've already expressed there's a good chance you'll fail at (not cause you're bad, but because its F#$KING HARD)....most people who abuse were abused.

Just saying...taking her in is objectively the correct and humane thing to do. But so is protecting your husband. Your kids. This isn't clear cut. YWBTA if you make this choice unilaterally without having a very clear discussion with your husband.

ComprehensivePut5569 wrote:

This is not a question of whether or not you’re an asshole. The real question you need to ask yourself is if you are willing to sacrifice your current family for this child?

While taking her in may be the right thing to do, it seems your husband is looking at this situation a lot more clearly and logically than you are. Neither of you are equipped to handle a child with trauma. That is on top of your already precarious relationship with the child. And what about your own children?

Again, are you okay with destroying their family and security because YOU think it’s the right thing to do? Is it even your call? You have expressed your opinion, but this has to be a unified decision and your husband’s POV should carry more weight considering she’s his daughter not yours. This is a situation where you need to step back, and follow your husband’s lead.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Things are pretty hectic right now, but a lot of people were kind enough to take time out of their day to offer advice and their own experiences and I want to say thank you for that. I'm not going into details, there is a LOT more going than I'm sharing here so I can assure you that divorce is nowhere near on the table for us.

We have had several tough talks in the last few days but once we got past the worst panic, we were a lot more on the same page than we thought.

My husband have agreed to take responsibility for his daughter and is looking into an emergency custody of her.

We are not trying to play family as some suggested, he is going to take legal charge of her and keep her out of the system. She will not be living with us right now. We have contacted a inpatient therapy clinic that can take her in to start the healing process. My husband is taking leave from work and leasing a second car so he can be there as much as needed/possible.

He knows she might never consider him her father or even family but from now on, we will be her support system. She won't have to depend on a poor overworked CPS contact, random legal guardians, homes changing etc. If she needs therapy, we will get it for her. If she needs legal counsel, we will get it for her. If she needs the system, we will help her navigate it.

If she wants to live with a foster family, we will support that. We will make it clear that our support is not conditioned on her "playing family" with us. She never has to set foot in our home if she chooses not to. We know that she might never appreciate any of it, but that is okay too. We have some savings we can take from and we are setting up a college fund for her as well.

It will not make her rich but we hope to be able to cover at least some of it when the time comes. We're starting family therapy as well to start talking to our kids about the fact that they have a sister and that dad will be gone a lot more for a while. My husband will be starting therapy as well to work on his guilt and hurt from this whole situation.

The comments kept coming.

AnonThrowAway072023 wrote:

Hooray! Bravo to you both. Even if she never says thank you the rest of her life, what you two are doing to try and help her get better and safely become an adult is so wonderful. So glad to see this update, best of luck to all of you!

Pale_Moon_Enigma wrote:

Glad to see a positive update and that you and your husband are working together to support his daughter. Family therapy is a great idea and I hope everything works out for the best. Sending good vibes your way!

TashiaNicole1 wrote:

I’d consider talking to her caseworker and social worker too. If she is going to be hospitalized to start dealing with her trauma the best practice step after that would likely be a therapeutic foster home for some time before coming to your home. Make sure you speak with her therapeutic team where she’s staying as well as any social and caseworkers to determine what the next best step is. Wish you all the best!

KickOk5591 wrote:

That's good but maybe as she's away from her mother the influence she has on her will dissipate over time and she will probably realize what her mother did was deplorable and the lies will be revealed. While it's not today or tomorrow or even next week, it might not even happen but she will know that you're family.

Three months later, OP shared another update.

I am not going to go into details but kind people have reached out and offered help and advice and I want to thank you all for that. We did not ship my stepdaughter off to a mental asylum indefinitely. She was with professionals that could make a in-depth assessment of her health and outline a plan for us while starting the process.

My husband was there as much as his daughter and her doctor wanted him to be. Her mom showed up. There is a criminal investigation going on and my stepdaugther has, with the help of her therapist testified. We are so proud of her and hope this can be a stepping stone for her to move forward.

She lives with us now and we are working closely with professionals about how to make it work. It's not perfect, it's not easy, it's not fun. But it is not something we would change. And I can't believe I have to say this, but yes, we asked her what she wanted all the way through this. We have not forced her to do anything.

The commenters were glad to hear an update.

jessab4444 wrote:

I am glad your family is adjusting. I wish you a happy and peaceful holiday season.

[deleted] wrote:

Hey, I know this is late comment but I just want to say that I'm incredibly proud of your stepdaughter and wish her the best.

I think you should start calling her your daughter. You are her mother in every way that matters.

Seven months later, OP shared another update.

Last September I turned to reddit after having an argument with my husband. We found ourselves in a difficult situation after it came to light that his daughter from a previous relationship had been SA'ed and her mom disappeared.

A lot of people weighed in and reached out and I/we got some very different perspectives on the whole thing. This is mostly a good update but there are obviously a lot of bad stuff popping up along the way.

I can't believe I have to spell this out but we have spoken with my stepdaughter (we'll call her Ann) about every step of the way, what she wanted, how we could make it work. And yes, we have spent a lot of money on this. Thankfully we were in a decent place financially and my ILs have been helping out as well. I guess bad news first. Mom and her bf showed up eventually and there is a trial in the works.

I can't say too much but I honestly think my husband was ready to go to jail for murder at several points. Ann testified (on video thankfully, so she did not have to sit through it in front of these people). My husband was/is there, with her permission. Ann's therapist had alerted us and the police that he suspected that she has been drugged on some occasions, based on the things they talked about.

My husband came home from that meeting and started researching how to get a gun (no, we did not get a gun with toddlers in the house). Unfortunately, there is no real chance of mom and BF going to jail nearly as long as they deserve (which is forever IMO) but they will most likely get some jail time at least.

Therapy is going well all in all.

Ann's therapist have facilitated some sessions between Ann and my husband which have been...tough, for both of them.

A lot of things said. As the title says, Ann lives with us and has since she felt ready to after being in inpatient care for a few weeks. We cleared out the office and we got the biggest lock we could find for her door. It's symbolic mostly but she can lock that door as much as she wants, on her terms.

We only ask that she keeps it fairly clean and no smoking/drugs. She is welcome at all meals but not forced and I always make enough that she can have it later if she wants. We did not see much of her in the first months, which was pretty expected from what we were told by our family therapist.

One of us is always home (unless we go out all five) and available. My husband got more WFH days so we can make it work. We don't force her to interact with her step-siblings but she is mostly neutral towards them. We have implemented a "no touching others without asking permission" rule and sometimes the kids slip up and forget in the heat of the moment but she has taken it super cool so far.

A few weeks back, our boy ran over to the TV while she was watching something and demanded I put on his favorite show (he's only seen it like 10,000 times). I told him no, Ann is using the TV and he has to wait his turn. Without any prompting Ann told him it was okay, switched over and watched an episode with him.

He was ecstatic and demanded another episode, which they watched before I pried him off the couch so she could watch her thing. I thanked her and assured her that she was free to say no in the future and she said she didn't mind really. So, yeah. She's not skipping school more than other teenagers, I know she has some snapchat streak with some of the girls in her class that they do every day.

Saving up for a new Iphone, stuff like that. Again, I'm not including all the details of our lives obviously, there are bad days and fights and yelling too but I am cautiously optimistic that Ann is going to turn out alright in the end. She is still not calling my husband "dad" and probably never will but that's fine. We just want her to be able to live her life the best she can.

The internet was quick to offer support.

CryptographerFull581 wrote:

Thank you for providing her with the safety and stability she needs to process what happened and take the necessary steps towards healing. I'm also glad to hear that there will be some kind of justice for her, and that they allowed her to testify via video. Her bravery and strength is truly commendable.

OP responded:

We have really done our best to stress how brave she is being by speaking up and out against them. Once her part was wrapped up, my husband came home with six different kinds of ice cream and threw us an ice creme for dinner party.

It was super silly but very sweet and I think she got a little of that "ohmygosh dad, you are so embarrassing" teenage feeling for the first time. We ended up only eating maybe one box in total, I think the last bit is still sitting in the freezer.

LerxstDirkPratt2112 wrote:

It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Keep at it and things will hopefully only get better.

GlowNibblee wrote:

Exactly. She’s doing everything possible to give Ann stability and control over her space. That kind of patience and care will matter more than she knows.

OP responded:

We're trying at least. I'll admit that none of us are perfect parents or guardians. A few months ago the young ones had some stomach flu and I didn't sleep for days. I was trying to take care of these two sick kids, not feeling great myself and just... wearing thin.

I asked Ann to help me with something and she told me "you're not my mom" (or something along those lines, I honestly cannot remember the exact words) and I just.... snapped and told her that thank god for that because her mom is a shit person. Not my finest moment. I apologized but I was on ice for a month or two, which is totally fair. I really do normally make an effort to not speak badly of her mom.

TheHeaxan wrote:

It’s not easy for anyone this situation, but it sounds like you’re doing the right thing most days and that’s good as it’s better than most do. Hang in there and try and allow yourself and your husband a ”me” time to recharge the emotional battery. Everyone needs it and it isn’t selfish.

OP responded:

I'll admit, I do miss our life from before we suddenly had a teenager and a criminal case on our hands. Just being in that system, even secondarily is hell. But I do think she's a good kid at heart. Still tests us at times, especially when she's in contact with her mom.

They are not meeting obviously but they have some phone time. Again, we are following the advice of professionals, my husband was NOT on board at first. And I get it, I really do. I wish that woman would sink into the earth and live out the rest of eternity in hell.

No-Appearance1145 wrote:

Is there someone monitoring these calls at the very least? I know she's a teenager but her mother is obviously not great and teenagers are not immune to manipulation (I was ab#sed my father and reported it at 16 myself and still almost fell for his manipulation).

OP responded:

We are in the room and she is on speaker for all calls and we always make sure Ann can talk to her therapist either online or in person within a few days of each call. We've made it clear that she decides if she wants to talk to her, but cutting her off has to be her own choice, with the guidance from us and professionals.