'AITA for forcing a sale on a home my mother and I co-own because of how she treated my GF and kid?' UPDATED
"AITA for forcing a sale on a home my maniac mother and I own 50/50 because of how she treated my gf and kid?"
Here we go…my mother has been toxic, impulsive and controlling for as long as I can remember. Every relationship she’s ever had has been demolished to bits because of her behavior towards others - colleagues, siblings, my dad (her ex husband), friends and the list goes on.
So 3 years ago I got a job opportunity in a different country (one where we have a lot of family which has been awesome) and I decided to take it because I was excited for the opportunity to be closer to them and experience life living in a different continent.
While I was settling into my new life, my mother (who is retired) visited shortly after and urged that she will buy a home near my apartment and move to said country when that’s not possible due to immigration laws (you need a long term visa not a tourist visa for extended stay).
Her ego didn’t allow no for an answer so she bought a beautiful beach front property anyway in hopes for citizenship which is fine legally… but you will only be allowed up to 90 days and potentially 180 if you extend.
She couldn’t believe what the case officer and lawyer she hired were saying and she started berating them on how much money she will donate to society with her housing purchases and so on. When reality set in after a few failed meetings - we decided it’s best if I live in the property to keep it together, pay the bills and she can visit whenever with zero worries about it being vacant.
Fast forward some time - I meet my girlfriend, we become serious and she moves in after a while and my mother is happy about how things are going for me in all aspects of life. She FaceTimes with us regularly and really takes a liking to her. After some time, my girlfriend becomes pregnant and we announce the news to my mother.
She’s extremely happy and gifts me 50% of the home she purchased as a present to us. Which is the nicest and most generous thing anyone has ever done for me. Something I never saw coming. Last summer she visited and planned to stay with us for 6 months to help us out before and after the baby is born which was very kind, but this is where the story turns for the worse.
A week or two into her visiting last summer while my gf is 6-7 months pregnant. She goes absolutely nuclear on me in front of my GF because I asked her a simple question (privately over text earlier in the day) about not announcing our family (more specifically her) financial situation to the entire world. She likes to brag to people about how much she makes without working, the values of her homes, etc.
That type of stuff makes me uncomfortable because I’ve always been a private person and I don’t want people getting the wrong impression of me or her if that makes any sense. (And for some random context - she is the most paranoid person on the planet when she’s not in a showing off mood.
Constantly thinks her phone is being hacked, traced and is always reporting random s--t to the FBI because she has a fear of people getting her money. She only uses the phone when she’s in her room on her WiFi…otherwise it’s off essentially 21 hours a day. She’s even reported some of her friends to the police or FBI because she accused them of stealing money from her bank accounts or “attempting to”).
And for the record — my mother, father and I NEVER had money growing up. My father always worked an honest job and so did I when I finished college 10 years ago.
She recently came into wealth after a gigantic inheritance from a wealthy family friend who passed way 5 years ago because she essentially manipulated and swindled her way into marriage with him to collect all his assets, retirement accounts, homes and everything he accumulated before he passed away in 2020.
During our fight last summer - she kept saying how she is kicking us out, we need to get our own place, we’re making her sick and she could end up in the hospital from all the stress we are causing her when we are literally at work all day before coming home and leaving at times like any regular person would do.
My GF became frightened of her for good reason because my mother was basically screaming for two days straight. She then suddenly books a flight back to her country and leaves a note and says to look for a new home and new car to buy but we have to leave the property by said date.
After a week or two she reaches out and asks I send her listings and cars…in which I didn’t because she’s just using that as a ploy to be on good terms so instead I am focusing on my career and the health of my gf because it was getting tough the last couple of weeks before birth.
Fast forward to 3 months after my kid is born, she comes back to help out during the holidays snd plans to stay for 6 months again. We were iffy on the entire thing based off what happened 6 months prior but i was trying to persuade my GF that maybe with her grandchild here she won’t cause issues for anyone because it’s a special time for all of us.
The first four weeks are good, but not great but we are not expecting much with her around. Like I said before - she is overly controlling, constantly overstepping boundaries and the worst part is constantly trying to teach us how to parent instead of letting us come into our roles. The part that broke my communication with her and others who know her is what I’m about to tell you next.
For the holidays we visit my gf’s family 2 hours away for a week. My mother has met her parents before but during this trip she just turned into a completely different person - she hardly spoke to them when she was being hosted by them and even would blatantly ignore her other family members that tried to interact with her during Xmas.
She kept trying to take our baby off the hands of people and she wouldn’t participate in anything we are doing (dinner, games, trivia, gift opening, etc).
She eventually left Xmas earlier and went back to my GFs parents house without telling anyone so I had to cover for her and tell everyone she is feeling sick. The next morning she is calling me at 4am screaming on the phone about how she hates my gf, her family and she wants to leave ASAP.
I can’t even get a word on the phone in before she demands being picked up. I drive to pick her up and she’s standing outside with her luggage in the dark demanding to take the train back home. So I tell her there’s no trains this early and if she really wants to do that then she has to wait at the home we are staying in.
I bring her home and my gf casually says “hi. What’s going on?” While holding our infant daughter and my mother snapped, lunged and screamed profanities about how she will never see the inside of our home again, me or our family.
My GF clearly confused and shaken is wondering what’s going on as I stepped between them and pushed my mother and her stuff into the car before going off on her about how she will never threaten my gf especially while she’s holding our daughter. I dropped her at the train station and left to get back to my gf about everything because she was clearly shaken as was I.
After a few days and threatening texts from my mother, she is saying how she’s changed the locks and we will never go inside of the home again. she is demanding we collect our personal belongings (which is like 95% of what’s in the home). So my friends and I go over to pack and she’s in our home with some neighbors (people I know she’s HARDLY spoken to) for reasons I don’t understand still.
As I’m leaving I blast what her for what she did to make sure the neighbors know what type of person she is. A psycho who will go to extreme lengths with zero regard for anyone but herself. My family and I were lucky enough to have shelter for 2 weeks until we could finally secure the 1 apartment that was available during the holiday season.
2.5 months has gone by (she traveled back to the states early January) and 2 neighbors have been going into my home to collect mine and my girlfriends mail because neither of them won’t give me the new keys to my own house because they fear my mother over doing what’s morally and legally right for my family and I.
It’s honestly been hell the last 3-4 months with the stress from that, working full time, trying to keep my GF’s spirits high and keeping some structure and routine for our child as we are living in a crammed tiny apartment because we had no other options during the obvious slow holiday season.
I’ve consulted a lawyer and we are doing a forced sale through the courts which she doesn’t know about yet and I am getting a locksmith to change the locks so I have keys and rightful access to my own home again. I don’t give a s--t if she shows up here and can’t get into the home because the locks are changed. AITA for forcing a sale on the home to cut ties permanently?
TL;DR: My psycho mother gifted me 50% of a home as a gift, months later - threatened my gf verbally and almost physically while she was holding our baby, changed the locks and almost left us homeless, fled the country and left keys to our neighbors who won’t give us access to our own home.
Consulted a lawyer and we forcing a sale through the courts and I’m getting a locksmith to change the locks and regain my access before the sale. If you read this entire story; I love you. If you read the TLDR; I still love you.
The commenters had a lot to say in response.
WorldlinessHefty918 wrote:
My question is do you have anything written out or anything legal a form anything that says that your mother gave you 50% of the house?
OP responded:
Yes. It’s an updated home document (idk the name in English but) that highlights ownership and percentages!
RocketteP wrote:
NTA. In the least. You owe 50% of the home. I’m not sure what the laws are for where you are but she shouldn’t have legally been able to change the locks or keep you out. Force the sale and cut off the toxic parent. She’s too big a risk of harm to you, your partner and your child. Her screaming like that can have an impact on all of you. Especially with your little one so small.
OP responded:
1000% agree with you. I suffered a lot of those tantrums (same with my siblings and other family members) growing up and I don’t want my gf, my kid or her family to ever have to endure that.
content_print_6521 wrote:
It sounds like your mother has serious mental issues. She reminds me of my son's girlfriend, mother of two of my grandchildren who she ditched when they were 3 & 5 and fled the state having stolen jewelry, art work, furniture and collectibles.
She would create a situation of utter chaos, making the whole family miserable, because then she felt like she was in control. We lived with her for 10 years and the last 5 were complete and utter hell. You are doing absolutely the right thing forcing the sale of this property. You're completely within your legal rights and you're doing what's necessary.
When you get settled in your new place, make sure your mother doesn't know where it is. Any meetings in future, it must be a neutral place. And don't inflict her on your extended family. She is not their burden to carry.
Once this sale and relocation are complete, you'll be able to have peace and take care of your family the way you need to. A restart, if you will. Good luck and best wishes -- please give your little girl and her mom and big hug and a kiss from all of us here online.
OP responded:
Yes, unfortunately I’ve been hearing that a lot recently. From family members, my lawyer and other people I’ve spoken to about the situation or that have known her some time.
And wow - that sounds exactly like what I went through. It’s always normal, utter chaos and then her just fleeing…
And yes I agree with you on a fresh start once the sale is complete! Thank you for the kind words.
Quick-brain2524 wrote:
NTA AND You finally stood up for yourself Go on with your life without her Is your father still alive?
OP responded:
Yes but he lives on a different continent (he returned to his homeland) ever since he retired some years ago.
Five months later, OP shared an update.
As noted in part 1 (recap) - my mother and I had a huge blowout early in the year which resulted in me getting a lawyer and selling our co owned home that we shared 50/50. It was a landslide in court based off the fact she acted in bad faith towards residents (she’s a tourist) of the country my family and I live in.
With my lawyer we drafted a statement and provided a ton of evidence on the situation which made it easy for them to decide. She had zero legal representation during the back and forth and she even admitted to the judge she needed to throw us out forcefully and immediately because we were “rude” and “stressed her out” with our “nonsense."
She admitted to changing the locks on us and handing keys to the neighbors to prevent us from entering and potentially “damaging the home”. Like…what? Why would we do that? That’s OUR home that we started raising our family in.
The courts laid out all her bad faith acts and illegalities because we have strict rights as tenants and even more so because we have a child. The court didn’t take lightly to her harming us and borderline making us homeless in the winter time before finding housing. My forced court sale was approved immediately and she was ordered to pay a fine, my legal fees and hand over the keys to our place within 24 hours.
She sent a letter to the court demanding I pay her for travel expenses (tickets, trains, etc) because she had no idea she was being taken to court. The court denied, clearly. The drama didn’t end there. Our home took a bit of a hit because the market is bad, but I didn’t care because I just wanted to get out of this mess and get my money.
But in the end, my lawyer emailed both of us that it was sold and the deposit by the new tenant was paid so the home will be theirs on October 1st. When that email came in, my mother lost her mind and sent my lawyer and I about 5 frantic emails stating that price is “unacceptable” and it needs to be “voided ASAP” because now she wants to keep the home (huh?!).
Court orders don’t work like that as you all know - they are final. No ifs, ands or buts. She was even on record in 3 different documents to the court that she came back to sell the place but didn’t realize the home had a court order hold on it because I filed for it through my lawyer months ago.
Some of the emails she sent my lawyer and I were her offering me double the money if she can keep the place because “it will not be let go at that price”, “how could you sell it for 40% less than I paid for? Void it now!!”, etc.
She even went as far as asking for the information for the new tenant to contact him. My mother contacted our family back home and berated me again as she has for 9-10 months now. And my aunts and cousins told her “he did what he had to protect his family and you should honestly give him the rest of the money from the sale because you clearly don’t need it.
He has a family to support and that was his home to begin with. That’s where his life is” she called them all “backstabbing b**tards” and then hung up lol. I will receive a nice payout in a few weeks and she will lose about 2.5x what I will get. That’s a lesson to you, mother. You took it too far this time.
The internet was deeply invested.
Stunning_Response_74 wrote:
Yes, she got what she deserved. Now it’s time for you to cut her off completely. You got your pay, she got less than and now she never gets to see you, your girlfriend and your daughter. That would honestly be the cherry on top.😂😂
[deleted] responded:
I was gonna say just this, time to cut her off because she's unpredictable and toxic AF.
OP responded:
9 months no contact so far!
dream1234 wrote:
The fact that she has been toxic most of OP’s life, is leaving me wondering why he didn’t cut her off earlier. Since all of her relationships failed and in OP’s own words ”were demolished to bits."
OP responded:
Yeah I’ve tried it a few times in the past but she’s good at manipulating for long enough for you to believe something has changed. Shame on me honestly.
ResponsibilityNo3245 wrote:
The housing market being down should be a good thing for you. You owned 50%, you were gifted that 50%. If all properties are worth less it means you can probably afford a better house than you could in a hot market, you have a nice down payment.
OP responded:
You have a great point. Didn’t think about it like that!
Anoncommuter678 wrote:
I would force a sale of the house take your belongings out of it and never let your gf and child interact with this woman again. I would seriously consider whether you want to interact with her again.
But you knew what she was like and she showed you what it was going to be like when you were pregnant and you failed to support your gf and provide a stable home environment for him, one free from your mother. Shame on you.
OP responded:
Everything’s sorted. No contact for 9 months, home sold, and the bank wire comes in 3 weeks.