Man tells friend. her 'Forever Brian's' tattoo is a deal breaker for most men, even though Brian has since passed away. AITA?
"AITA for telling a friend that a tattoo on her chest saying 'Forever Brian's' is a deal breaker for most men, even though Brian has since passed away?"
I've got a friend named Ula that is relatively new as I've only known her for 4 years. She has a tattoo on her chest just below her collar bone that says "Forever Brian's". She got it when she was quite young (early 20's) about 15yrs ago when she was engaged to her first love who unfortunately passed away due to cancer, is my understanding.
I don't know the history beyond that it happened quite quickly and she got the tattoo after he passed away. I've been watching her date for about 4 years now and the tattoo has consistently been a sticking point for the 3-4 or so guys that I've seen her with.
Each one has said it differently but they've all said that they'd like her to get it removed or that it makes them uncomfortable enough to leave the relationship when it got serious.
Last night Ula and my wife were having a girls night together and I was downstairs enjoying some Baldur's Gate 3 when they both came down and asked for a "guy's opinion" and harassed me until I put the controller down. I warned them, repeatedly, that if they ask me for a "guys opinion" that I would provide one but it might be hurtful.
So, I asked the ladies if they remembered the movie Titanic? They both agreed. I asked them if they remembered what the core theme of the movie was. They both answered that it was a love story between Jack and Rose.
So I told Ula "Do you know who it wasn't a love story for? Rose's husband. Rose's husband married her, had children with her. Stayed married too her for roughly 60 years and grew old together, overcame adversity and successfully had a long life together.
But Rose didn't think of her husband or those memories together when she died 60 years later. She thought of Jack. All of that living that Rose and her husband did together meant little because in the end when she passed over she went to her first love, Jack.
I looked at Ula and said "That tattoo is written confirmation that they're not your forever person. Which is fine when your casually dating but what your indirectly asking for when things start to get serious is if they're willing to sign up to be your Rose's husband."
I agreed that Brian had passed away over a decade ago. I agreed it wasn't fair. I agreed that they were stupidly competing with a dead person. I agreed that removing it won't change how she felt about Brian.
My bottom line was this was a "one guys" opinion on the matter, which obviously all her previous boyfriends to some degree agreed with me on, as each one had raised it as a serious issue to them.
I wasn't trying to start a huge argument but that's basically what happened so I tried a different approach and told her, "Look, not trying to start any trouble but everyone wants to find their forever person.
What your doing is basically telling these guys you've already found yours and that's not changing so they keep it casual for as long as they can when you try to get serious they leave to protect themselves because no one wants to be a placeholder and it doesn't help how aggressively you defend it."
Shortly after she passed out on the couch much to my relief. In hindsight this should've been a conversation to have while sober.
So, was I too harsh? Was I an AH?
Even the next morning she was slowly crying and committing to removing it. Which I told her to talk it out with more than just friends and maybe seek out a professional opinion before removing it but I sure felt like a royal AH. It really felt like there was no winning here. Just a lot of hurt feelings and distant tragedy.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She could always just date guys named Brian?
My grandmother actually married two different guys with the same name. It’s doable lol.
NTA. They asked for your opinion. You gave it. Whether you are right or wrong (I think you're right), it's your opinion and it's what they asked for.
Him being dead makes it even more of a deal breaker. Nobody wants to try and compete with the dead love of her life. You were spot on comparing this to Titanic.
NTA, and that’s a good analogy. This isn’t some memento, this is a very explicit pledge to someone else.
Nah, she committed to remove it meaning you got through to her. She just had to process the pain of realising you were right first. Good analogy on-the-fly by the way.
NorthernCanadaEh (OP)
Thanks, I wish I could say it was on the fly but honestly....I've watched her relationships end over a few years so my wife and I had discussed the tattoo previously (privately, between us) a few times. This gave me a lot of time to consider how I would discuss with her should the topic come up.
Admittedly there is some variability for the relationships ending like communication issues or age differences leading to different expectations but that tattoo was always a common denominator and frequently brought up.
NTA. You laid it out perfectly. You didn’t judge or accuse, you simply pointed what she doesn’t want to accept: that her feelings about the tattoo don’t align with any of her potential partners feelings on the tattoo. Update me!
NTA. Unless you're married, and you know you will be for life, NEVER get a lover's name tatted on you. Or, never get your lover's tatted on you, end of story.
It's all about perception, there might be some men okay with it, but I agree with your take - she's tatted her dead lover's name on her (incredibly romantic in hindsight, no disrespect, may he rest in peace) which might elude to there being a hole that can never be filled. This point of view, if men think of it, might make it a deal breaker.