'AITA for secretly recording my dad's girlfriend?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for secretly recording my dad's girlfriend?"

I’m M20, and I was a former foster kid. I was never adopted before I "aged out," but I was placed with "Joe" when I was 10, and we were long-term matched by the time I was 14.

Joe’s the only real family I’ve ever had, and I consider him my dad, even though the whole adoption thing never happened. When I first moved in with Joe, he was married, but his wife passed away suddenly when I was 12. That was tough on both of us, but we managed to get through it together.

Now, Joe’s been dating his current girlfriend, "Sarah," for about two years. She didn’t come over much, and when she did, it was pretty brief. But three weeks ago, she moved into our house because she lost her job and couldn’t afford rent anymore.

I don’t know if she was always like this or if moving in has brought out a different side of her, but Sarah’s been acting really strange.

Whenever Joe isn’t around, she completely ignores me like, won’t even look at me when I speak, won’t answer questions, nothing. At first, I thought it might be some kind of anxiety thing. But now it started getting worse.

For example, when Joe’s at work and I’m in the lounge watching a movie, she’ll come in and start blasting TikToks on her phone or playing music, totally disregarding the fact that I’m there.

When I ask her to turn it down, she just flat-out ignores me. And it’s not just the ignoring that’s the problem. She’s started saying some pretty nasty stuff about me, too.

She’s FaceTimed her friend while I was in the room and talked about how "lazy" I am and how I "don’t contribute anything to the household". Yesterday, I was sitting on the sofa watching the new Deadpool movie when she came and sat across from me, FaceTiming her friend again.

She started talking about how she and Joe are trying for a baby and how excited they are because “neither of them have had children before.”

Those exact words. It felt like a slap in the face. I know Joe wouldn’t have said something like that because he considers me his son. So, either she’s making it up, or I don't even know what.

I haven’t told Joe about the things she’s been saying to her friend because I don’t want to mess up his first real relationship since his wife died. But this situation is seriously eating me up inside.

I mentioned the situation to a few people, and a couple of them suggested that I secretly record her behaviour when Joe isn’t around so that he can see what’s really going on. It seemed like a good idea at first, but when I talked to one of my close friends about it, he said that secretly recording her could just make things worse.

He thinks it might make Joe feel like I’m going behind his back and could cause even more tension, especially if Sarah twists it to make me look bad.

So, WIBTA if I secretly recorded her to show Joe what she’s really like, or should I just avoid it altogether? I don’t want to seem like I’m trying to sabotage his relationship, but I’m not sure what else to do.

Update 1 (with comments and responses from OP):

November-8485:

You need to talk to Joe. You can record it in case he doesn’t believe you, but you need to talk to him asap. And you might also have to work on your exit plan in case it backfires, which it can. People in love do strange things at times. NTA.

(OOP)

I don't think Joe would ever kick me out, but your right I should have a backup plan just in case.

khall20

So many parents kick out kids when a new relationship forms and the kid doesn't get on with the new spouce. Don't be blindsided by something that is a huge possibility.

Your an adult, Joe's GF could have the very easy argument that your an adult and need to move out so they can work on furthering their relationship -having a child together would absolutely be a reason he would side with her. Nta.

Out of curiosity you have only explained that you lounge and watch tv, are you contributing to the household in any way? If Joe's GF is contributing to the house hold I can see why she would have an issue floating you.

(OOP)

Well I’m still at college (Americans would call this high school) but it’s summer. As a foster care leaver Joe is paid ~£300 per week by the government to support me until I finish this will carry on until I finish University or until I’m 25 whichever is first. I also get Universal Credit which I use for most of my expenses.

High school is usually ends at 18 here also but I’ve had to redo some learning that I missed

Huge_Lime826:

Get your a$% off the couch and contribute to the home. Seems to me u r too stupid to realize that he will pick his girlfriend/bedmate over a 20 year old taking up space and pissing off his hot girlfriend You don’t realize it, but unless you start contributing your days are numbered.

So you’re off school for the summer why don’t you have a job to go to every day instead of sitting your ass on the couch?

(OOP)

Who hurt you?

Huge_Lime826

Nobody hurt me. but I did have enough common sense to get my ass off the couch and not play video games as a 20-year-old and then bitch about somebody who actually is contributing to the household. If he doesn’t believe the girlfriend is more important to Joe than he is,he has blinders on.

just wait until she has a baby. He needs to wake up and get his ass off the couch and contribute to the family. 20 years old is not a time to be sitting on the couch playing video games get a job.

Automatic_Mirror_825:

it's time to fly out of the nest, find a job, and / or college. Build your own life, you are an adult, young, male, with lots of opportunities.

Sorry_I_Guess

This young man didn't have a stable home until he was 10. He went through a traumatic childhood, and his life's trajectory is not the same as most people's, so developmentally it may be important for him to take a little longer to feel safe and confident.

Hell, he's still finishing his secondary education due to those complications. And you have literally no idea what "opportunities" he does or doesn't have.

As long as his father is happy to have him there, who are you to tell him he needs to leave home? What a shitty, presumptuous thing to say.

Silent-Prune8103:

Going to school isn’t “contributing” to the household. Doing chores, taking out the trash, preparing dinner, doing laundry, sweeping the floors, vacuuming, doing repairs around the house.

Contributing in the sustainment of your family’s home and health of it so it doesn’t burden others. That’s responsibility. If she finds herself or Joe doing all of this then I would be annoyed as well. You’re an adult, as an adult you should be contributing without being told to the responsibilities of maintaining the home.

I would say getting a job as well at your age. Many folks go to school and have a part time job. But if that’s not the case you can help around the house.

I guarantee if you’re doing those things…Joe and possibly her will have a different positive opinion of you.

Before OP's second update, take a look at some other top responses:

NTA. You should record her. But then I'd talk to your dad about what's been going on. Don't play him the recordings unless it seems necessary. Or you can let him know that you have recordings and he can see/hear them if he wants to.

Fact is, she's trying to drive you out (and trying to get pregnant with Joe and have him support her). If he asks her about what you say to him, she might well deny it and it's good to have the evidence.

Yes, you'll be sabotaging and likely ending that relationship (edit, or rather revealing her behavior that would accomplish that), but given her behavior he should really know how she behaves when he's not around. I would want to know in his shoes! (that's really key for you to know)

So ironic that she accuses YOU of not contributing to the household; what is SHE contributing?

hamflower writes:

Op, your father deserves prompt honesty, and you should not be hesitant to give it before he makes a terrible mistake in marrying her.

The trick is to emphasize how you want him to be happy and you see she does, but thats why you have hesitated to talk to him about her behavior. It makes it clear it is for his AND your's sake you speak to him and sets a non-combative tone from the start.

Sit your father down and ask him "I am your real son right? Like, you consider me the same? I always thought you did, but Sarah said something and it's making me doubt that and it's eating me up inside."

Get his answer and say that you really like his gf and have really tried to bond with her as family, but she completely shuts you out when he isn't at home. She won't even answer a question or look at you when you are trying to get to know her and it makes home feel cold and dark when it used to be your sanctuary.

Tell him you 'want him to be happy" and thats why you haven't said anything before because "I didn't want to be selfish, but it's hurting too much and is only getting much worse. It's making you doubt the people who say they love me actually do. I feel I lost my sense of security and it's like my life becomes more 'grey and pointless' every time I think about it"

It's all about delivery. Don't get too emotional and distracted, no need to go on tangents, but being brutally and emotionally honest can be necessary. You MAY need to grey rock a bit, but only if necessary. He seems clueless, so maybe not a TOTAL AH. You are absolutely NTA.

gargamel writes:

NTA. But dint record anything. It won't help and it might hurt you.

Tell Joe what's going on and how it affects you. Sarah will likely deny it but in that case she would deny it even if you recorded it. And a recording is never the perfect proof you expect. She can explain away a recording just as well as she can explain what you just say.

But if you record, Joe might be more likely to think you're doing something fishy and possibly even trying to frame Sarah. Also, Joe might plain be hurt that you don't trust him and think you need covert recordings for him to listen. Talk to Joe. I hope it all works out for you.

Update 2:

I decided to talk to Joe directly instead of secretly recording Sarah. I thought it would be more mature, sensible, and non-confrontational to handle things face-to-face. My mindset was that if he didn’t take it seriously, then I’d consider recording to show him what was really going on.

When Joe got home from work, I asked him to talk privately in my room. He seemed a bit confused at first, but I made it clear that I wasn’t trying to sabotage his relationship. I just needed to tell him that some things Sarah was doing were making me uncomfortable.

I reminded him about how she ignores me and mentioned how she plays videos while I’m watching TV. But when I told him she said that he didn’t have any children and that they were trying for a baby, he looked really upset.

It felt a bit awkward, but Joe called Sarah into the room to talk with us. He asked her if what I said was true, and she immediately denied it. You could see from her body language that she was lying.

I’m not sure if she just never expected me to say anything about how she’s been treating me or what. Joe firmly told her that this is my house not hers and that while she’s a guest here, she can’t be disrespecting me.

Things got a little heated, and in the end, she apologised to me, though it was through gritted teeth. I accepted the apology, even though I’m not sure it was genuine.

After that, Joe asked if I was still comfortable with her staying with us. I said I was because I didn’t want to break them up; I just wanted to tell him what was happening.

However, she decided to stay at her friend’s house for the night, which made the situation feel even more tense. I can tell Joe is really upset now, and I feel super guilty for making him feel this way.

He insists it’s not my fault, and we ended up having kebabs for tea, but even so, I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve caused a huge fight between them. Joe went to bed early, and now I’m stuck feeling bad about the whole situation. I just hope that whatever happens next, things will settle down. Thank you everyone.