Man who broke off engagement over kids fosters 15 children, leaving ex furious. AITA?
"AITA for fostering after breaking up with my fiancée over not wanting kids?"
I (29M) and my ex-fiancée (30F) broke up in the summer of 2021, about a year before we were supposed to get married. It wasn't an easy decision, but it became clear that we had fundamentally different views on our future -especially when it came to kids.
I never wanted children. I've never been good with babies, I didn't have a father growing up, so I never had a good role model, and I just never felt the need to have my own biological children.
The idea of raising kids from birth, dealing with sleepless nights, and making that lifelong commitment never appealed to me. She, on the other hand, wanted kids more than anything. She loved babies, was amazing with little kids, and always talked about what kind of mom she wanted to be.
The more we talked about it, the more obvious it became that neither of us was going to change our minds. I didn't want to hold her back from something that was so important to her, so I ended the engagement. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I knew staying together would only lead to resentment.
After our breakup, I started learning more about the foster care system. I hadn't thought much about it before, but the more I learned, the more I realized how many kids needed safe homes. I started by donating to organizations, supporting foster parents I knew, and sharing information online. But I still felt like I wasn't doing enough.
At first, I thought fostering was out of the question for me. I was single, and I assumed they wouldn't even consider me. But then, a social worker friend of mine told me how much need there was for foster parents. That conversation changed everything for me.
I had a decent job, a house with a spare bedroom, and plenty of savings and I realized I was in a good position to help. So, I spent some time getting my everything ready and started the process. Before long, I began fostering some kids, mainly for a few weeks at a time.
So far, I've fostered around 15 kids. My most recent placement is a 7-year-old boy who's been with me for two months now. He's been through a lot-bouncing between different homes, struggling in school, and dealing with a lot of fear and stuff.
But over the past couple of months, I've seen him open up. It's not always easy, but I care about this kid deeply, and I'll always fight for him, whether he stays with me long-term or not.
Recently, my ex found out that I had become a foster parent through mutual friends, and she absolutely lost it. She sent me a long message accusing me of lying to her, saying I had wasted years of her life and broken up with her for no reason. She said that if I could foster, I should have had kids with her because "it's the same thing." She told me I was a hypocrite and that I must have secretly wanted kids all along.
At first I just ignored her because I thought she sounded crazy, and I knew it wasn't the same thing, but then I started to get tired of the constant messages and messaged back, basically just telling her that it wasn't wasn't same and I hadn't lied to her.
She refused to listen and accused me of being selfish for not compromising when we were together. She even suggested that I should have just "gone along with it" if I was willing to take care of kids now.
I do feel bad that she's hurt, but I don't think I did anything wrong. I was honest with her about not wanting children. My views on that haven't changed. I just found a way to help kids who are already here and in need.
Other people are on the fence about it. Some agree with me saying it's not the same thing, but some others can see where she's coming from too and think it was sly from me to do that after we broke up. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
"She said that if I could foster, I should have had kids with her because 'it's the same thing."
Sure, the same thing, if you simply ignore the many differences big and small. Makes sense. I bet she'd be furious if you became a school teacher, too. NTA.
"She refused to listen and accused me of being selfish for not compromising when we were together."
Nothing says "selfish" like fostering kids lol.
I don't think it has anything to do with being a foster parent. It's the fact he was dead set against being a parent, caregiver and having that role. So much so he broke up with her over it. The 180 degree turn around is the issue she has with him. And does come across as an AH move. But it's her issue not his.
Normally you don't go from dead set against having kids or being a caregiver and breaking up with someone who wanted kids, to then taking on a parental role. It is hypocritical, even if it's not "the same" as having your own flesh and blood, it's still parenting/caregiving which, blood related or not is the same thing. She is allowed to be angry, but what she shouldn't be doing is contacting him. That's what makes her an AH.
There's also a pretty substantial difference between taking in kids who are old enough to bathe, dress and feed themselves and are toilet-trained to dealing with an infant. The sheer scale of life disruption parents experience in the first year is beyond description.
It's super rewarding and full of delight, but as a mother I don't know how I would have made it through the rough patches if I hadn't been able to remind myself you wanted this, you wanted this more than anything. Those times were incredibly rare for me but we got super lucky and basically have the best and sweetest baby ever. He's a bundle of pure joy most of the time. Babies are hard.
NTA because it isn't the same. That being said, from her perspective it's probably more black and white. You broke up because she wanted children and you didn't, and now you're taking care of children. Objective observers will note these are different things, but an angry ex who feels she was strung along until 30 likely won't acknowledge the nuance.
NTA Fostering abused kids is light years away from having kids. You are helping children who have been neglected and abused when you can. Helping 15 kids is very different than having 15 kids.
Your ex is still angry with you for not wanting her dream. Perhaps it’s time to stop talking to her at all? Instead of her moving on, she’s stuck blaming you. You’re doing a great thing by fostering. There is a desperate need for foster parents. Don’t let others influence you.