'Found out I’m a product of an affair. Dad didn’t know. I accidentally blew apart my family.' UPDATED 2X

The truth can set you free, but it can also set emotional dynamics on fire.

"Found out I’m a product of an affair. “Dad” didn’t know, & accidentally blew apart my family. Here are my results."

Out of curiosity, I took a DNA test in November 2019. It showed up that I had a half sister and nieces. I was able to reach out to this half-sister in the same day and found my biological father as well. I was shocked, but not as surprised as I thought. I've always had questions because I don't share any traits of my "dad" - I look nothing like him.

However, he is the man on my birth certificate. He had no idea I was not his biological daughter. I confronted my mother about my findings and she lashed out at me, calling me a liar. My biological father knew this whole time but didn't find it appropriate to approach me about it because it wasn't a 100% positive thing. Up until a couple weeks ago, my "dad" and mother have not spoke to me.

I showed up out of the blue because I wanted to resolve the situation with them. My mom has always had a bad relationship with me. She still refuses to speak to me but my "dad" refuses to give up on me! "I have 28 years into my daughter and I will not give that up!" I am fortunate that he has accepted this. My mother on the other hand. I have 3 half-sisters, between my mother and two other women.

I have started a relationship with my half-sister who I initially contacted. She is kind. My youngest sister is in the midst of an identity crisis - believing she is "100% Mexican" and just a couple days ago deciding she is now of Cherokee descent. It's kind of weird how all of our mothers look very similar...biodad clearly had a type.

Commenters had a lot to say in response.

AmericanSpiritGuide wrote:

I think that, unfortunately, this is an all-too-common occurrence/side effect from these DNA tests. It can either rip a family apart or allow people to bring truth to light and begin healing decades-old wounds that can sometimes answer many questions and uncertainties held by the test taker.

I'm really glad you got your truth. If nothing else, it allows you to see everyone for their true selves. Your dad, for instance, is clearly a good and loving person who cares about you deeply and that's what truly matters. Your mother has also shown her true colors- maybe not as flattering for her, but you have to take it for what it is; maybe better to know than not to know.

AdorabeHummingbird wrote:

Man, as a male human being this would hurt me a lot. Almost makes me wonder if I should make it a policy to test any kids who are supposed to be mine, but I don’t think most women would take that understandingly. It’s nice that your father came to know of this later than earlier.

You would have wished to find this earlier maybe, but for your dad, I think it’s better. Being a young man, emotionally attached to kids, then you find out that all those happy memories and news about you making her pregnant were just lies. And you’ve been living with a liar and you actually have no biological kids (speaking generally). It would tear me apart emotionally.

OP responded:

I find that I'm on the other side of this as well. I would be totally understanding if my SO requested a paternity test. I would never mess around, but I would never want that doubt either. I can't imagine the pain that this has caused my dad.

I hope that me affirming him as my father helps, and that he knows I appreciate everything he's done with me, and for me. He spent a lot of time with me as a kid and help craft me into who I am today.

ZincPenny wrote:

This is a crazy story, but I'm glad that you know, I suppose it's better to know than to not know. In my case my parents were/are my parents, mom passed in 2007 and dad's not really been in my life much, he's a jacka$s.

My grandparents told me like 2 weeks ago that I have a brother and sister that my dad wanted nothing to do with and disowned and I don't know anything about them, family won't tell me anything or doesn't know and it's really frustrating. Also found out a secret aunt that my dad and my aunt and my uncle didn't know about. So I guess you find all kinds of crazy stuff via DNA testing.

OP responded:

I feel better knowing. It was one of those things I've had over my head since I was a kid. My dad's mother hated my mom, because she knew I wasn't my dad's child. She wasn't a moron. I wasn't a real part of the family and she didn't treat me like my cousins - I picked up on that as a little girl. My mom's sister also knew I wasn't my dad's child, but didn't know who my dad could actually be.

My mom also had a pretty shitty reputation. Everyone seemed to know something about the situation, except me. Funny I would have to use all of that later in life to help me piece together what actually happened. Crazy stuff is an understatement, haha!

AlbertTheGodEQ wrote:

What's the reason for your sister to believe she's "100% Mexican"? Sorry to know about your relationship with your Mother but good to see you have a fairly good relations with your "two dads", from what we interpret from this. Good luck with your family!

OP responded:

There is a lot to unpack there.. She might be delusional, or in the midst of an identity crisis, or both? My older half-sister was not surprised to find out about me. She was very open minded. I could have been met with the very opposite reaction.

The youngest one, on the other hand, was incredibly upset when she found out about me. I'm not really sure why. Her mother and biodad were never married. Upon getting to know her, she is infatuated with her social media presence. I can't come up with any other reason than delusion, or that she gets more Instagram likes because she is claiming to be Mexican and Native American.

I wanted to understand, so I asked my biodad if her mother was perhaps either of those. Biodad told me he "wishes she'd stop this shit" and then he had her mother text me, and she sent me an older picture of herself and my youngest sister (with very pale skin, leading to me believe she uses TONS of self-tanner) Youngest sister's mother is of Irish descent - fair skinned.

She was open to meeting me as well! Youngest sister claims to get her heritage from biodad, but we can see that isn't the case. It just bothers me that she is clearly using this to benefit in some way. When I first met her, she claimed to be a "pretty big deal" somehow.

I think that perhaps the "identity crisis" worsened when she found out about me because she doesn't feel special or something along those lines. Regardless, I don't really want to know her based on our interactions. It's fascinating how the nature vs. nurture comes into play. I am a bit mechanically inclined like my biodad and I've had an interest in cars, mechanics and taking things apart.

I work in Computer Science. I race cars. Biodad showed interest in bonding with me based on my interests. I think she was only pretending to be interested, because it could get her attention, and sees that I am legitimately into this without effort - suddenly, I'm the competition?

I wish I could explain it. I was SO excited when she told me she was into cars. I could have never imagined having sisters, let alone being able to possibly bond with one who was into the same things I am into. Maybe I'm a little out of touch when it comes to female relationships and the dynamic they bring?

emk2019 wrote:

Based on your post it seems that you have always had a difficult relationship with your mother. That said, I find it rather strange that your mother is the one who is most upset about this and, as a result, is angry with you. If anything, shouldn’t it be the other way around? I understand that these sorts of situations aren’t rational but I really don’t understand how she can be mad at you? What do you do wrong?

OP responded:

Right! That’s what everyone around me is saying. I believe I have dealt with this situation very well considering. I have started going to counseling to get a professional opinion as I believe most people around me have a bias, and share the thought that my mom is honestly a terrible person. I didn’t ask for this situation and it’s completely unreasonable for her to be upset with me.

She is only upset because I have undone a 28-year web of lies. Apparently she had lied that I was born 2 months premature to get it to line up with my “dad” leaving for deployment. Too bad she was screwing around on him and he is such a nice, trusting man - he had absolutely no idea. I think his initial anger at me was due to her manipulating him. It’s a lot to sort through, that is for certain!

emk2019 wrote:

Well I hope it works out for you. This is a difficult situation for you, learning that your dad isn’t your bio dad, meeting your bio dad and new siblings etc. it’s a lot to process and cope with and none of any of these things is your fault. It’s really unfortunate that your mom feels this way and is venting her anger (at what exactly ?) on you. Hopefully the situation will improve over time.

OP responded:

Thanks for reading my post. I believe I have already coped with the possibility of not having my mother around as I have essentially grieved the “loss” of not having her around my entire life. My “dad” is my rock so the possibility of losing him was absolutely devastating - which was initially what led me to seek counseling.

After scheduling that appointment, I was able to have that conversation where he said he wouldn’t give up on me and we have had several conversations since. I decided to keep my appointments to process the situation anyways although I see it as moving in a positive direction. I hope anyone else in a similar situation is able to take something positive from me sharing this.

annilenox wrote:

You can't control how she feels so you have to probably figure out how to just deal with whatever she is going to through. It is unfortunate she is taking it out on you when the situation you are all in is clearly because of her.

With that being said, the only reason I can think of that she would be mad at you (and I do not believe she should be and that she is in the wrong) is because you didn't go to her first where she could try to talk you in to keeping her secret. That would have been a terrible position for you to be in and very selfish of her if that were to happen.

This may not be the case, but it is hard for me to see another reason she would hold such a grudge.

OP responded:

When I initially went to her about it, I had already talked to my biodad & sister and she was very upset that she would have to tell my “dad”. I gave her the option to be honest & she kept up with the lie until I let her know what I found.

She did insist on keeping it a secret, told me to force my half sisters never to say anything to anyone ever (“it can just be your girls little secret”) which seems bizarre and also very unreasonable. I’m not going to try to force other people (that I just found out about) to do something out of her sake. She needs to own up to her “mistake."

My mother even went as far as saying she wished she terminated her pregnancy. I am her only child, too. I was raised with two “half-brothers” from my dad’s two previous marriages. The oldest is in full support of me regardless of what happens in this situation which is nice.

OP when asked about her mom.

I believe she is very mentally ill. She is an alcoholic and exhibiting narcissistic personality traits. I don't know how my dad deals with her honestly. My dad is 70 years old.

She has had a very "cushion-y" life so far and hasn't worked in a very long time. My mom will be 54 years old and has done absolutely nothing in her life except be miserable. I think she desperately needs help, but I don't think she will ever reach out.

My aunt (who I also found out isn't my "full-aunt" but a half) believes that my mom had every intention of abandoning me, or leaving me with my grandma. My aunt feels bad that she didn't step in regarding my upbringing but I assured her it does no good feeling bad about it now. It is fascinating though the patterns I have found here.

My grandma (My aunt & mom's mother)'s mom was about 20 years younger than her husband. My grandma messed around with another guy and married up my grandpa, who provided her with a very cushion-y life too. I'm just fortunate to have come out of this whole situation as self-aware and patient as I am. I am terrified of alcohol though.

In my 28 years, I haven't even tried it. I can't bring myself to do it based on what I was subject to growing up. I can confidently say that I am a break in the cycle of abuse though. My mother might have resented me my whole life due to knowing that I wasn't my dad's daughter, too. There are a lot of moving pieces to the situation!

Roughly a year later, OP shared an update.

A little back story if you don’t feel like looking in my previous post history. I found out about my birth givers lies in 2019. I have finally been no contact with my narcissistic mother after finding the truth by doing a 23&Me DNA test. I found my biological father, which happened the day I got my results in 2019 because he was a family friend.

I have got to know him along with one of my 3 sisters (the youngest sister hates me for some reason and I believe this revelation prompted her to take a DNA test to see if I was making things up - turns out we share 31.2% of our DNA!) My ‘dad’ - the man on my birth certificate - decided he would throw me away.

I bought him a new phone so he could keep in touch with me but then he went back on his word. I gave him one last chance by inviting only him to my wedding but he refused and threatened me with a no contact order. On the happy side of things, my brother (‘oldest of dad’s biological sons - he has 2) came to my wedding and was so happy that I invited him.

I hope this is finally the end to this ordeal because it was a lot to process over the past couple years. I hope anyone reading this with a situation similar to mine - just remember; there are people out there who love you. You may not choose your blood family, but you are able to choose who you consider family.

Edit: I just want to thank you all for taking time to read my story, commenting and sending me messages. You are all wonderful people and I truly appreciate the outpouring of love I’ve received. Thank you!

The comments kept rolling in.

HogglesPlasticBeads wrote:

Holy cow! It sounds like you still have some support (old and new siblings!) but I'm so sorry how this has gone for you. Do you mind my asking: you noted you invited "only" your dad to your wedding, is he still with your mother?

OP responded:

Yes, my ‘dad’ is still with her but I believe she is parasitically manipulating him. She believes that I must apologize for uncovering this lie. I refuse. He has somehow sided with her that I owe her an apology. It is a stalemate. I miss my dad so much. But I am glad my mother is 100% out of my life.

HogglesPlasticBeads wrote:

I just can't wrap my head around he's still married the person who lied (and presumably cheated) to him but blames you? I'm sure you miss him but how do you throw a whole kid out but stay with the wife????

OP responded:

I can’t either but I’d rather not spend the time trying to figure out why it is the way it is. I think my mom has spun the story in such a way that he believes I am wrong. Or that I am a liar when in fact he is living with the liar. I’ve done nothing besides take a DNA test to see if I would uncover if I was more susceptible to certain things like celiacs, etc and I am.

OP shared more on her parents in another update comment.

I’ve never had a good relationship with my mother. I think I’ve spent the majority of my life mourning for a relationship with a mother figure. Mine always chose the bottle over her only daughter - me. My ‘dad’ always boasted being a man of integrity, and essentially having a spine but when this all unfolded it made me realize what little integrity he has. He couldn’t stand up for what is right in this situation.

I see him as a small, spineless and weak man because of it. Someone I look up to, fell apart in front of me. My birth giver has caused many issues for our family. She has managed to put a lot of distance between him and my two older brothers.

They went years of not talking because of something BG took out of context and due to his severe anger problems, would take that out on my brothers, their wives, their poor kids. It’s just a cycle and he acknowledges it however, he lacks the will to do anything about it. I know she spends all his money on frivolous, pointless objects to fill some void in herself. Do you know the show called hoarders?

The house looks like that except it’s a lot of new objects, never unboxed. God forbid you use something like a blender. “No! It’s new!” But yes BG, it’s 7 years old. When you gonna use it? Then there are more blankets, towels and food rations and the basement is reminiscent of a Red Cross disaster shelter.

She’s a disaster prepper and doesn’t even realize it. Regardless, she keeps buying more, and more - and the house has definitely become a fire hazard and ‘dad’ is totally complacent in the matter.

OP shared a bit more on her mom.

Another thing to point out, I believe she has a tremendous amount of credit card debit that ‘dad’ is unaware of. A cousin of mine found my grandfathers checkbook and noticed there was a check made out to her for $25,000. Cousin also noted to me while assisting our great aunt after back surgery that there was a check to her for $10,000.

It makes sense - she doesn’t work and she’s spending copious amounts of money on dumb shit that has no purpose (fake rings, hundreds of jeans, shirts, poor quality Chinese goods from Wish, etc) I used to get daily digest of my old address and each day there would be 3-4 parcels arriving.

She’s very good at hiding these things. ‘Dad’ is just completely unaware because he never sees credit card statements as he is busy building a cabin so she can wipe up her tracks and make minimum payments on these things without him catching on.

Bxgyrl416 wrote:

I can understand being angry and feeling betrayed by a partner who cheats on you and lies to you about a child’s paternity. I cannot accept or understand kicking an innocent child to the curb after raising them for 20+ years and believing they are your own. That never sat right with me. I hope you are thriving and dealing well with any emotional fallout from this.

OP responded:

I am doing much better now. Took a while to get here but I’ve made it. I was making the mistake of trying to apply logic to an illogical situation and kind of “spinning” my wheels to speak. There is no logic here. None of it makes sense. I can be at peace though without these people in my life.

cnylkew wrote:

What in the results gave the affair away?

OP responded:

Biological father was married and my birth giver was sleeping around but then picked my ‘dad’ as my father because he made good money. Perfect host for the parasite that she is.

tripwire7 wrote:

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I can't believe how people like your mother can willfully cause so much pain to THREE different people when they choose to hide false paternity like that. Who would do that to their own child, it boggles the mind.

OP responded:

It boggles my mind as well. I suffer from several chronic diseases that are not present in my family so I wanted answers. Naturally as an adult, I started out with a DNA test.

Good riddance to OP's family, hopefully she's able to find some peace moving forward.