"Found out my GF is friends her with past dating app hookups. Am I overreacting?" UPDATED

"Found out my girlfriend is friends with 3 of her past dating app hookups."

I (M23) and my girlfriend (F22) have been together for about a year. We met on Tinder and then went on a date soon after that. Pretty much from the moment we saw each other we knew we were right for each other. In fact our first date ended up being 12 hours long because we just didn't want to leave each other.

We went on a few more dates and then became exclusive very quickly and our relationship since then has been incredible. We both absolutely see a future with each other and are planning on staying together as long as humanely possible.

Now, I know that my girlfriend had a phase in the approximately 6 months before we met where she was getting around. We haven't gone in depth (I don't want to know) but we have discussed it, and I've heard mutterings from her friends too. I think she hooked up with 6 or 7 pretty much random people during that time.

No judgement from me, I've done similar things too, and I have no reason to think that she ever hasn't been faithful to me or hidden me from anyone. She was posting me on instagram after like a month together, she actually deleted her snapchat when we started dating, and I know for a fact she doesn't have dating apps anymore. We agreed to just not talk about our intimate pasts now that we were together.

About two months ago, she told me that a guy she met on vacation last summer was moving to our city, and had asker her if she wanted to show him around, and she said yes. We both went and gave him a tour and got dinner. He was honestly a really nice guy, and smart and interesting too. I was a bit surprised that she'd met a 28 year old professional randomly on vacation, but whatever.

Since then, she's been getting lunch or drinks or dinner maybe once a week with him when I'm busy, and then another day of the week we'll usually go on a double date with him and one of the many women he's involved with.

I was totally fine with that and happy to have some more friends, but recently I was hanging out with my girlfriend and her friend group, and one of her friends made a joke about the guy being very generous. I kind of shrugged it off, but I was curious and later asked my gf if he had slept with her friend.

She laughed and said that no, she'd actually slept with him when she was on that vacation after they'd met on a dating app. I was kind of floored that she hadn't told me that was how they'd met, but she said that I hadn't asked and that we'd agreed not to discuss our former conquests.

She told me that in fact it was sleeping with him that had made her decide to settle down, because he's apparently a very promiscuous man, and she'd realized that for her that kind of promiscuity was cheapening all intimacy.

She also told me that after she realized how promiscuous he was she was revolted by him, and wanted to be in a committed relationship, but that she still did like him as a person. I asked her if they'd been in contact at all before he moved to our city and she said that occasionally they liked each others instagram stories, but that they hadn't actually messaged each other anything.

She could tell that for some reason finding this out upset me, and she told me that I could read their messages if I wanted, and that she would also stop hanging out with him one on one if it bothered me. I completely trust her though so I said no to both.

I then asked her if she made any of her other friends the same way, and she told me shed hooked up with two other people she's friends with. One is one of the girls in her friend group which I never suspected, apparently the other guy told my girlfriend when they slept together that she should be with a woman, so when she got back from vacation she did.

My gf said that it wasn't for her, but the girl was very cool and they had a lot in common so they stayed friends. She had a similar story with one of her male friends, basically they met on a dating app, hooked up, but realized that they were not compatible at all as romantic partners.

I don't know why finding this all out upset me so much. I trust my girlfriend entirely and know she would never cheat on me, and she offered to let me look at her messages with any of the 3 and to never spend time with them alone again either.

She also apologized for upsetting me and said that if she'd known I cared, she would have told me before. I really don't know what to do, as it's really bothering me, but at the same time I don't feel like she's done anything wrong.

What do you think? Is he overreacting? Or is he right to be suspicious? This is what commenters had to say:

bingbangkelly said:

Part of maturing is telling your partner about things that bother you, while admitting that the feelings might be more to do with yourself than your partner, and asking for your partner's help in addressing the weirdness.

It's not small of you to tell her that you'd appreciate if she would reduce her contact with people that make you uncomfortable. If she does, great. If she doesn't, then maybe she's not doing anything wrong per se, but it might be a sign that you guys have incompatible views when it comes to who to stay friends with.

I agree that if you guys agreed not to talk about previous conquests, then she didn't do anything wrong, but I also see why you're bothered that some previous conquests are still in her life. It seems like she cares about you and is willing to concede some of her privacy to make sure you can still trust her if she's letting you know you can read her messages, so that's a good sign.

The worst thing you can here (which most people do) is not address it. If you take that route, you're either going to be a weird version of yourself (and effectively punish your partner when you yourself admit that there doesn't seem to be a moral issue at play), or you'll successfully be "yourself" but will come across a future incident that shows you're actually still not okay with it.

Just don't be a dweeb that channels your upsetness AT her when you talk to her about this.

OP responded:

You're right, I guess I just don't know how to address it because I haven't pinpointed exactly what's bothering me. I've seen her interact with all these people and I can tell 100% that she has no feelings for them.

They're also all honestly nice people who I get along with well and I don't think they'd do anything to hurt our relationship, so I don't really want to ask her to cut them off. I'm just not sure why it's bothering me so much.

EljizzleYo said:

Personally, I think it's just common courtesy to let your current partner know if you've been intimate with someone you plan to introduce them to simply so that they won't be blind sided if someone else brings it up. The girlfriend probably didn't mean to be shady but a heads up would have been nice.

And sirwowcoolith said:

Those weekly dates they go on would make me nervous as hell.

He later shared this update. Buckle up!

I realized that I absolutely needed to speak to her about it. I also realized that there was a lot more about the situation that bothered me than I had initially thought including: everyone knowing they had slept together except for me, her friend joking about it in front of me, and my gf being seemingly dedicated to this man even when he first arrived to our city even though they'd literally just hooked up twice.

I decided to have a chill and open conversation with my girlfriend and express that the situation was bothering me even though I knew she hadn't done anything wrong. We started talking and she basically reiterated everything that she'd said before, and she also said that in the future she would tell me if we met anyone she'd been involved with.

She apologized for upsetting me and said that she would've told me if she thought it would bother me. So then I told her that I was honestly hurt that her friends all knew and joked about it even with me there, and that it seemed disrespectful to me. At this she was much less apologetic and said that she shares everything with her friends, and that she couldn't control what they said, which wasn't an answer I really liked.

She seemed to be getting irritated and a little mocking of me at this point but I kept going and expressed that I was also uncomfortable with how she was so eager to see him when he first arrived, even though he had been just a two night stand for her. To that, she was very honest but what she said hurt me a lot.

She said that he'd been a special experience for her, as he'd been the kindest and most respectful man she'd ever been involved with up to that point.

And she also clarified her comment about him revolting her- it wasn't really his promiscuity, more so that he was to her such a great man that he could be in a committed relationship with any woman he chose, but he refused to do so for some reason she couldn't understand.

Obviously that one hurt a lot although I was glad that at least it was clear she was being honest. She then said that even though she'd liked him a lot and felt that they'd had a special experience, she loved me and wanted to be with me. But that didn't do much to salve the wound.

Her comments as well as the comments on my original post had made me a bit paranoid about her cheating even though I was pretty sure she wouldn't do that, so I asked to read their messages, which she provided me without any hesitation.

Everything recent was completely kosher. They would just send each other the occasional instagram reel or post with someplace they wanted to go and then they'd make plans on when.

They also talked about books and philosophy a lot (I'm not very into either) though, and these were long and intense conversations. But in fairness, none of it was dissimilar from when my girlfriend has shown me messages with her other friends who have always been platonic. There was nothing that even suggested physical cheating.

So then I kept reading because I wanted to see what he'd said to her when he arrived in our city. I decided to go all the way back to when they first met though, which my girlfriend said I was free to do even though it was before we were dating. Initially it wasn't much, just them having a short convo and making plans to go out, and then making plans again to hookup. Then nothing after her vacation ended.

Until about 3 months later, after she'd come back from vacation and started getting with other guys. She sent him a long and heartfelt message that I felt sick reading as soon as I started it, but which she told me to finish.

Basically, she implied that she'd been sexually assaulted recently (she used the words "questionably consensual"), and she was writing to thank him for their experience together and the respect he'd shown her.

She said that she'd never been with a man who clearly liked and respected her as much as he did, and she thanked him for not only not taking advantage of her when she was in a vulnerable position, but also showing such care for her that everything they did was beyond consensual.

She said she'd never had an intimate experience like him but hoped she would again. And she ended it with a joke about how he was incredible in bed. To that he replied with an equally heartfelt message about how she and every woman deserved to be treated well, and then he said that he felt just from meeting her twice that she was a special woman, and he hoped they would meet again.

After that, they kept in loose contact, but it was just swiping up on the occasional instagram story with a comment or question, and never anything further than that. When we started dating and she posted a picture with me, he swiped up and asked if we were dating, and she said yes. He said something along the lines of me being cute, and that he hoped she was happy.

They basically didn't speak until he moved to our city and messaged her. He made it clear in his message that he knew she had a boyfriend and that he understood if I wasn't comfortable with them meeting up, but that he did like her in a platonic way as well if she was interested in showing him around.

This really upset me, as I realized that even he thought I should've been informed and he wouldn't have hung out with her if I'd said no, but she didn't even give me the opportunity to decide or express my feelings on the issue.

I asked her why she didn't tell me even though it was clear she should've, and she basically broke down and admitted that she really liked him and wanted to see him even as just a friend, and that she thought I probably would've been uncomfortable with it even though she would never cheat.

She said that's why she brought me along on the tour, so that we would all know that she would never be involved with him physically while we were together. This really broke me, as it seemed clear that between me and him, she would always choose him.

Even without the physical aspect, it seemed like she greatly preferred him to me as a person, and I know from her messages and her friends jokes that the physical aspect was better with him too.

I asked her why she wouldn't just be with him then, and she said that he wasn't looking to settle down and she was, so there wouldn't have been any point in breaking up with me, who she did like and had a good relationship with, just for a chance with me. She said that being friends with him was enough for her.

I then asked her pretty much point blank what she felt for him, and she admitted that she was in love with him, and that she'd only grown more fond of him since he'd come to our city and they'd gotten to know each other better. I think she'd realized at this point that we were going to break up and so that she might as well be completely honest.

So yeah obviously after that I called it quits on the relationship and she left to stay with a friend (you'll never guess which one!). Said "friend" then messaged me to say that he was really sorry about the situation, and that he'd never done anything to undermine our relationship, and that if there was anything he could do to help me I should feel free to message him.

I decided to block them both on everything for the time being (except for my ex girlfriends number as we have to figure out some logistical things).

So yeah obviously after that I called it quits on the relationship and she left to stay with a friend (you'll never guess which one!). Said "friend" then messaged me to say that he was really sorry about the situation, and that he'd never done anything to undermine our relationship, and that if there was anything he could do to help me I should feel free to message him.

I decided to block them both on everything for the time being (except for my ex girlfriends number as we have to figure out some logistical things). I spent the next couple of days getting drunk and going out with the few friends I have who I didn't meet through my ex.

All of our "mutual" friends haven't been replying to me or have said point blank that they are her friends not really mine and that they would rather remain friends with her and not me.

Then, a few days after the breakup, one of my friends who knows my exs "friend" (I found out that her and all of her friends call him the stallion so I guess I'll refer to him as that), sent me a pic he'd posted on his instagram story. It was a mirror selfie of him with his arm around her kissing her forehead. They were wearing matching outfits and it was set to music and everything.

What was the worst about that picture was that she was clearly so, so happy, like she had a twinkle in her eyes that I've only occasionally seen her with, and never when she was talking or interacting with me. He also posted a picture of them at this music festival, and then a picture of her in only his shirt in his apartment opening a bottle of wine.

My ex and I figured out what we were doing with each others stuff and things like that, so I blocked her number and will probably never speak to her again. She didn't apologize to me or anything.

So yeah I feel like absolute shit. Not only does it suck losing the woman I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with, but the worst part is that she chose another man over me. She clearly preferred him the entire time, and just settled with me for a while because it was easy. But I have no doubt that she would've left me for him at any second if he'd wanted a relationship with her.

I mean frankly she was out of my league in many ways, but it feels terrible to realize that she chose another man over me just because he was better than me. I've also lost a ton of people who I thought were my friends but who I guess were really just hers. I've been wallowing in self pity for a bit now, but I'm starting to move on and work on myself.

I probably will not be dating at all for a while, as I really feel terrible about myself. Our city also isn't that large so I'm sure I'll see them around together which I'm not looking forwards to. Anyways sorry for the depressing update but thank you to everyone who commented and helped me out, I appreciate everyone even thought this didn't turn out well for me.

TLDR: confronted my girlfriend and read her messages, she admitted she purposefully didn't tell me they'd slept together so that she could remain in contact with him, she admitted she was in love with him, we broke up, and she's now staying with him and they're posting romantic pictures together on social media