'I just found out my wife went home with another man from the bar Saturday. Can we come back from this?'

"I ‘27M’ just found out my wife ‘26F’ went home with another man from the bar Saturday. We have two kids age 2 and 3. She doesn’t know I know. Is there any way we can come back from it?"

My wife of 7 years had an affair Saturday night. She said she was going to the bar with her dad and wound up sleeping with an ex boyfriend from 2018. I was home with our two young daughters, oblivious to what had happened until one of her friends confronted me today and broke the news.

The best part of it all is that I found out about it while on the way to meet the wife for the very rare child-free dinner and because I was afraid of making a mistake out of emotion.

I had to sit across from her with this knew knowledge in my stomach while she talked about our plans to start trying for baby number three (IUD comes out tomorrow), how much she’s enjoyed staying home raising our kids, and how much she’s appreciated everything I do to allow her to stay home and focus on being a mother to our little girls. I wanted to vomit.

I have tried my best to not let on that I know, but she was extremely lovey-dovey tonight and she is usually very disconnected with me and the kids when she is at home. Her friend made it clear that my wife is adamant she’s taking the secret to the grave, that the sex was unprotected (why did I say yes to the details!?), and that she’s continued talking to him this week.

The friend also said she’s fairly confident it was a one off mistake, but that she doesn’t seem to understand the gravity of what she has done to our family. I am heartbroken for my children who will forever have their lives altered because of their mother’s decision. It’s burning a hole inside of me. I’m laying on the couch at 2AM shaking, still unable to process it, and terrified of what the next few days will bring.

I guess I’m halfway venting, but also looking for advice.

When I found out a handful of hours ago and realized there was no room for this to be a misunderstanding I immediately thought divorce was the only path forward. I can’t imagine I’ll ever trust her again.

On the other hand I love her. I feel bad for her in all of this somehow because she comes from a family where things like this happen. Her mom abandoned her when she was a kid and she has no real reliable family. I can’t see how she could possibly land on her own feet and I don’t want my babies to be put in bad circumstances because of her lack of options.

The family she does have is where I’d assume she’d go but they are all drunks and drug abusers. How do I move forward from here? I will survive whatever path I have to take, but what is the best path forward for my relationship with my little girls. I am lost. Any advice is appreciated.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

VacationDadisMad wrote:

Why torture yourself by not confronting her? You need to air it all out or it will eat you up. I know confrontation can be scary but at least it’ll all be out there. Absolutely do not conceive a child in this moment. Adding another person to the situation only complicates things/feelings way more.

You also need solo therapy as well as couples. This is professional grade problems that Reddit cannot solve. And you didn’t deserve what she did and I’m sorry. I’m sure her telling you how much she appreciated your support in letting her be a stay at home mom only hit you even more.

OP responded:

I was just so overwhelmed with emotion I was afraid I’d say something I’d regret.

LincolnHawkHauling wrote:

However you handle this DO NOT GET INTIMATE WITH HER. She could be pregnant right now and if you’re tied into that mess it could complicate things even further. Speak with a lawyer and examine your options.

Explain what your wife’s living situation will look like (dangerous) and see if that will give you the advantage in determining custody. You better snap out of your indecisiveness. She lied to you and went out to get raw dogged by her ex-boyfriend.

She knew that would destroy you and her family but she did it anyway. She doesn’t even appear guilty or remorseful. You can bet your a-- she will be cheating again when she feels like it. How could you ever expect to trust her again going forward? The stress would destroy you and your daughters need their father.

Fun-Commissions wrote:

Divorce is the only way forward. This story made my tummy hurt. She has no intention of being honest with you - no respect for you, she is still communicating with him - ergo definitely not a one time thing - and the way she is acting all extra affectionate and like nothing is wrong. That is so repulsive. Don't love someone who treats you with such callous disregard.

Oogy_boogy_I_am wrote:

You start at the beginning by finding out where you stand with things. The reason why we tell people to go and speak to a lawyer is because it's a necessary part of that - where you stand if it comes to that. As painful as it is right now the next couple of weeks and months will be you finding out things.

You'll be finding out about the legals and financials about marriages breaking down. You'll be finding out about her and what she has been doing (even right in front of your eyes). You'll be finding out about friendships and about family support. And most importantly you'll be finding out about yourself and what you can and can't handle. The life you thought you had is sadly over.

What comes next will be up to how you wish to handle things and what your end goal will be. So part of the above is you answering that question. What is it (realistically speaking) is that you want. There is lots of advice you will get and all of it is worth reading and listening to. Again, you need information and you will need to sort through it all and use some, all or none of it to make your decision.

So how do you move forward? One step and one day at a time mate. You move forward slowly, methodically and with as a clear a head as you can muster. You do not have to make a decision on anything until the time comes. You must though refrain from hooking up with her.

Nothing will make things worse than her falling pregnant. So take that off the table and use whatever reason you can think of. If it means you have a 2 month long headache then so be it. I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. No one deserves it. But please know that you will get through this, you will survive this and you will come out the other side.