'My friend needs to borrow $5,000-$10,000 and I said no even when I could easily afford to gift it.' AITA?
"AITA my friend needs to borrow $5,000-$10,000, but I said no even when I could easily afford to gift the money?"
I don’t have kids, or need to buy a house (renting is a better option in my city), and have pretty inexpensive tastes. So, even though I’m not rich, I can afford basically everything I want and need in life and save money.
My friend has very expensive taste; clothes, dining, travel etc. always has to be expensive. We’ve gone on holiday a few times together, and they were overtly depressed if we stayed at anything less than a 5 star hotel. I’m not judging them for what makes them happy, just because it’s not what makes me happy.
Anyway, they’ve curbed the spending habit in an attempt to pay off their debt, but the interest rate is so high that most of their repayments are eaten up instantly. $5,000-$10,000 would make their remaining debt interest-free, and I could afford to not be paid back for it.
However, I’ve also been in their position before. If I had gotten a handout, I would have never learned how to be financially independent. Also, I’m historically a serial enabler. I’ve bailed out friends many times (~$10,000 has never been repaid) just because I can’t stand to see anyone struggle like I had to.
It’s chronic, I even paid for the hotel upgrades with this friend after seeing how sad they were in 4 star hotels. Have I just lost touch with the struggle now that I’m privileged, or is it true that helping people in need just enables them to never work harder?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
South_Industry_1953 said:
It is good to help a friend in need, but come on, "being sad in a 4-star hotel" and having a friend pay for an upgrade? That's not a genuine need, that's just taking advantage. NTA.
Tasty_Association353 said:
NTA. Loans make friendships weird. Also, all they need to do is to tighten their belts just a little- like miss one or two vacations abroad or not buy a thing they don't really need (like a purse)- to save that $5k.
Euphoric_Travel2541 said:
NTA. You’ve been very generous but this friend is not struggling. She is just quite spoiled and wants upgrades to luxury level all the time. There is a difference between wanting luxury and needing basic survival resources.
I’d help friends with the latter, but not with the former. Your friend can reduce her expensive tastes until she gets into better financial shape. Do not contribute.
BookkeeperNo1888 said:
Let’s be real here…these are not “people in need” and they don’t “need” your $5-10K. If you bail them out, they'll never really learn their lesson.
WhereWeretheAdults said:
NTA. Your friend has you confused. You are asking the wrong questions. The real question in all of this is why does anyone else believe they are justified in deciding how you spend your money. That is what this all boils down to in a nutshell. They feel like they have a say in your budget. That is the central fallacy in all of this that the manipulation and the guilt they use - intentional or not - is designed to hide.
You are successful and stable because you decided to live within your budget and prioritize your spending like an adult. You friends made different choices. That's their right. Now they are looking for someone to protect them from the consequences of their choices. That is not their right.
You can choose to help or not. You can choose how much you want to help. No one else has the right to dictate those choices for you. Anyone who tries to insist otherwise is simply trying to use you.
Here is the ugly truth you are missing in your calculus. You "gift" your friend 5K. They get out of debt. Next year, they will be back in the same place asking for more. That is the cycle. Wanting 5 star hotels they can't afford does not magically go away. You want to help?
Offer to pay for a financial advisor to help them come up with a plan to get out of debt. Watch their reaction. That will tell you how serious they are about changing.