Bride called 'selfish' as wedding planner friend quits in tears, accuses her of betrayal during engagement party. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA? My friend cried at my engagement party and blames me."
I have a friend of about 10 years, let's call her Elle, that I asked to help with my wedding by being my day-of coordinator. I'm a wedding planner myself, I just need someone I can trust to pull off the timing.
She is a wedding planner in NYC for high end clients so I know just how skilled she is first hand. She was thrilled to work with me. For about 8 months, we met for coffee and chatted every so often to catch her up on my plans. It felt like an absolutely perfect fit.
Fast forward to my engagement party. My MOH hosted the party and my bridesmaids put it all together. It was a beautiful masterpiece and could not have been ANY better. It was magical. Until about 1 hour before the end.
All of a sudden my friend Elle is in tears. She informs me that she remembered that today was the anniversary of a really traumatic event in her life and she was having a panic attack. I was so concerned for her and I wanted her to have her privacy and know that I was there for her.
I sat with her after my MOH consoled her and we hugged and cried together as I talked her thru it. She said she wanted to rejoin the group but ultimately ended up leaving after going to the bathroom without saying anything to anyone. We sent her some texts but knew she would need some time and space before she replied.
The next morning, I wake up to a voicemail from Elle saying that she'll no longer be my coordinator because she felt unsupported and betrayed while she was going through a crisis.
She felt the party shouldn't have continued and we should have focused on cheering her up as a group. She also felt unthanked for planning my party. I was pretty shocked. Not only by her accusations, but... My BRIDESMAIDS planned my party and my MOH was the host... Am I missing something here?
I apologized to her and told her I really thought I had tried my best to comfort her and help but that really was not good enough to her and sounded like excuses. I cant stop thinking about how I just feel like I have whiplash about this whole thing.
It was supposed to be, and was at first, one of our happiest days leading up to our wedding, but the hours and days following it have just felt like a dark cloud. Now we are 6 months away from the wedding with a lot of loose ends and a bruised heart Am I overreacting?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm sorry...? After what I'm assuming was over a period of time worth of discussions about the engagement party, (and just friend to friend conversations because that's what friends do, since she didn't plan or host it), how did it take until 1 hour before it ended for her to REMEMBER the anniversary of a tragic event?
PrettyPromenade (OP)
I think theres a lot to be said for not realizing what day it is so I wont sit here and speculate that. But one thing I will say is that throughout the past 4 months that the party was being planned, she never once mentioned it when I told her the date, sent her the invitation, and we made plans for her to come to town surrounding the date.
Her goal was to attend the party and also make a weekend out of wedding planning before and afterwards. About 3 days prior to the party, she did tell me a story about this traumatic event but I had no context for how long ago it happened or that I should know this weekend was going to be an important date in that story.
I felt oblivious to the small details I ended up being held responsible for. I'll be honest and say that I wouldn't move my party if it was already planned but I would understand if she couldn't come.
A high-end wedding planner should know that the wedding festivities go on despite their own feelings. Trying to hijack your attention from your own engagement party reeks of deeper issues.
If you feel she deserves one good conversation and maybe a chance, it seems reasonable, given her previous reputation. However, if you think separation would ease any anxiety, you would be well justified. NOR.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey everyone, I have an update. My ex-wedding coordinator, after apparent deliberation in the past few weeks, is saying she realizes now how selfish she had been and how poorly she treated me at and surrounding the party.
I feel like my MOH must have said something to her. I only know what I've been able to gather from her 45 second voicemails that she's been leaving me before they cut her off.
She seems to be sincere in wanting to apologize face to face, and that's okay I guess, but I'm just struggling with whether or not it's even right for me to be friends with someone like this, even if they're not invited to the wedding and don't live near me.
And HOW do you be friends with someone you wouldn't invite to your wedding, not because the guest list is full, but no matter how long or short the guest list was...I haven't heard her out yet but she is asking for some form of communication with me.
I don't even think I'm willing to have a conversation with her to take her apology but would probably prefer her to write it to me instead whether that be email, text, or if she prefers handwriting.
I just don't want to be caught in a torrent of rebuttals and "but"s tacked on to the end of what was supposed to be an apology to me. I'm terrified of getting baited into a conversation where I feel yet again cornered and bullied because she turns it around on me somewhere. My head is a little spinny. Halp?!
The OP then quickly returned a few hours later.
Just to clarify, I never received any apology in the voicemails she left. So, whether or not I speak to her again, I don't consider it "apology accepted" at all. She is not "forgiven".
Also, she was never going to be my wedding coordinator after the day she tried to withdraw. There is no changing that. I am an experienced event planner and have learned that when a vendor lets you down big the first time, you let them go forever.
It wasn't going to be that way with our friendship until all of this went down. I let her know that I did receive her voicemails but dont wish to speak to her and have nothing left to say outside of what my MOH likely said to her (from all the crying I did to her while I was processing all of this).
I let her know a few more things I felt she should know and that she can write to me but I wont be responding as if it's a back and forth; this isnt up for debate. I'll update here again if/when she writes.
For anyone that was interested: I got an email from Elle today and she was too pissed off at me for unfriending/unfollowing her on Social Media so she told me that she didn't have time for my BS.
It was as short as that, really. So there's nothing left to do or say and maybe I won't forgive her but I'll do my best to forget about it. Thanks to everyone that commented and was invested. Each of you gave me a little support.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Some people really can't digest other's happiness.
It sounds like you're not really interested in being friends with her, totally fair, and I'd feel the same tbh. If it was me, I'd probably text and say hey I got your messages, I'm not in a place where I want to be talking to you right now and just want to focus on wedding planning and events. That you appreciate the apology and maybe you'll reach out after the wedding.
That's probably what I would do. If her apology is genuine, she'll quit bugging you after that. But it sounds like she's got main character syndrome in spades, so she might put up a fuss. Then you can say you're not looking for drama right now, and if she doesn't leave you alone, you'll have to block her until after the wedding.
PrettyPromenade (OP)
You're right. I'm not anymore. I think at first I felt like it was just another lost friendship. Because I've had to draw these lines in the sand before with friends who were the kind who are always "down on their luck" but always making decisions to get themselves there. When things would go sideways between us, I would always feel guilty, even if I was the one with the grievance.
I wasn't emotionally mature enough to understand that someone can be mad at you but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. I was never able to tell before. Now, it just takes me a while to come around. Its a little easier So thank you for your feedback (and everyones here, even if I didn't respond personally).
Wedding coordinator is supposed to save you from stress, not be the cause and reason for it.
Believe them when their true colors are exposed. Because once they show who they are, you will find out you need to drop things fast. Elle is a headache.