Bridesmaid bails on destination wedding over money, then plans 'multiple trips' with husband. AITA? MINI UPDATE

"AITA for telling my friend I can’t go to her destination wedding because it’s too expensive, but then also going on mini vacations with my husband?"

I am supposed to be a bridesmaid for my best friend, but I just got the destination package and it is almost $3,000 a person to go. I have my husband and 2 kids. So if I didn’t bring my kids (I would have to figure out child care for a whole week and manage to pay for Santa to visit our house. Edit: wedding week before Christmas.

I told her I can’t afford it, because we just remortgaged and did 50k worth of repairs on our house and I wasn’t expecting the trip to be SO expensive (my sister's destination was about $1,200 a person)...

My friend asked me what I was up to this weekend and I excitedly said I was going to comic con with my husband. And she sent me a LONG message that all but 2 of her bridesmaids can go and her fiance's friends can all go and she is very sad and depressed about it, can I just go and not my family, she gave us ample time to save up etc.

In the end I got the impression she was upset I said no to her wedding and am not trying at all to save up when I am going on mini “vacations” with my husband. I had a hunch we couldn’t afford the wedding from the beginning so I made sure I was the one to throw her an engagement party. I couldn’t afford to go to the bachelorette party because it was a $1,200 weekend.

I have cried about this whole situation many times and now I just feel absolutely horrible…AITA for not going to my bff wedding and AITA for going on trips after I had already told her we can't but I can try to make it work even tho it’s unlikely and at the same time I apologized to her profusely.

I’ve been in a depression over this and my husband said “I’m sorry I can’t take you on a vacation” so he surprised me with a day to comic con and a date night in the big city.

MINI UPDATE:

I messaged her back explaining myself (and even my financial situation (I know I shouldn’t even have to) and she became very upset! Telling me I should be saving $200 a month(I do not have) because that worked for her when she went to someone’s wedding.

Basically me not trying hard enough and wasting money that I could be putting into saving for comic con…so that basically demonstrates my priorities to our relationship…I am sad that there is now going to be a a strain between us. I’m very sad.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

PracticalPrimrose said:

NTA. Spending $4200 on someone else’s wedding seems crazy...you are allowed to have fun with your spouse and your family. I’d simply respond, “ I wish things were different.

But spending $800 on a mini trip with my husband doesn’t come close to covering the cost involved in being a bridesmaid in your wedding, which are totaling over $4000. I hope your wedding is luxurious and amazing. Unfortunately, I can’t make it happen.”

One-Day-at-a-time213 said:

NTA. As someone who had a destination wedding, it literally couldn't have bothered me in the slightest that people couldn't afford to go. We knew that when we planned it. It's why we had a party back here when we got home. We wanted a small wedding so it was win win.

What was frustrating is people who were supposed to be part of the wedding & pretended they'd be good to go up until it was time to confirm things, then dropped out after months of saying they'd 100% go. Even declining offers of financial help. After dresses etc had already been bought.

And people who lied that they'd booked up and told us on our way to the airport they actually hadn't and weren't coming. After food and seats and stuff was paid for. But the issue was the lying, not the not being able to go.

We had people say they couldn't afford to go and then go on a two week holiday somewhere else. It is what is is. We weren't their priority and that's fine. It's their money and their leave, we don't get to dictate what they spend it on.

Anyone who thinks otherwise is not a good person to be around. Everyone celebrated with us back home, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe your friend could have a celebration at home afterwards if there were multiple people who couldn't afford it?

Worth-Season3645 said:

NTA…paying for a destination wedding for someone else is far different than spending money on your family. And it seems you are not the only one who cannot attend her wedding due to cost.

Ornery_Ad_2019 said:

NTA. People who choose expensive destination weddings chose location over people. Thinking your friends need to spend $1,200 on a bachelorette and $3,000 per person to celebrate your wedding is breathtaking in its audacity.

andipandi16 said:

NTA - the entitlement and expectations people have around weddings these days is out of control. Your friend is totally allowed to have her dream destination wedding, but she should also accept it's not realistic for everyone to attend.

Even if you could save that much money, it's totally up to you how you would want to spend it. Plus, it sounds like you are caring enough to have thrown her an engagement party!

bumbalarie said:

NTA. You’re married with a partner. And kids. You don’t need to justify a decision that you and your husband make — and attend — as a “team.” Your “friend” is out of line & out of touch with reality.

Focus on your family — not the fantasy dreams of a narcissistic “friend.” You should be proud of your mature decision — not depressed. You have your priorities straight.

JariaDnf said:

NTA - destination weddings are a lot to ask of people, regardless of how close you are. She gave you time to save up LOL...how entitled people are these days. You need to spend your $$ in the best interest of your family and it sounds like this wedding just doesn't fit into the budget.

I'd rather take a trip that my kids could go on too, so don't feel bad. IMO , people that plan destination weddings should do so on the assumption that nobody that they are not willing to pay for will show up and then just be thrilled for anyone that does show.