Persistent admirer's public crying and guilt tactics force woman to reconsider her favorite volunteer work. AITA? + UPDATE
"My 'friend' made an absolute fool of himself and I don't know what to do now."
I’ve had a very tough year with nearly every type of relationship in my life— romantic/sexual, familial, friendship, professional. You name it, it’s blown up in my face. I’ve been to therapy, it wasn’t great but I’m trying my best to learn from it and not give into avoidance and self-isolation. So that’s the background.
I (F24) volunteer at an animal shelter several times a week and there’s a regular group that goes at the same time, all of which are older than me. The closest one to my age is M28.
It seemed natural for us to see if we are a good match romantically, but ultimately I’m not feeling anything towards him and with everything else this year I’m fine with focusing on myself and being single. We agreed to be friends back in July and I thought that settled it.
In mixed company outside of volunteering (obviously), we’ve had a few drinks and some “deep talks” (as in absolutely trauma-dumping) and usually I’m opposed to this but thought being frank would help us be genuine friends and forget about the small amount of time we considered dating.
Well it turns out for the past couple months of having occasional conversations like this, it’s only served to make his feelings stronger. More than once has he said “we need to talk” and in those talks he’s said things like how he appreciates our close friendship, etc etc, relating to trauma dumping and trust and whatever.
Well last week during one of our little parties, I was joking about having a crush on someone at work, (I wouldn’t say it’s a real crush, we’ve never spoken, and I’m certainly not trying to initiate anything) and M28 burst out that he’s attracted to me and I should stop talking about things like that.
I went beet red and changed the subject. It really pisses me off that he thinks I should censor myself because of feelings HE has, that I’ve done nothing to encourage.
The next day, of course, I get a text that says “we need to talk”. I purposely skip the shelter but he insists that he comes over to talk at my parents house because it’s important. (Parents were not home) So fine, he comes over, we chat a bit and then I ask “how bad is it?”
He launches into some of his romantic history and how it’s so rare to have feelings this strong and I light up his day, blah blah blah. Excuse me for being callous but I’ve heard this all before. He wants sex. That’s what every single relationship and “friendship” I’ve had with men boils down to.
M28 starts crying because I won’t just force myself to be with him. I offer him a tissue and he sniffs and asks for a bandaid instead because he fell down earlier and scraped his knee. Oh my godddddddd.
It probably sounds like I’m shaming him for being unmanly but honestly idgaf about gender, if anyone came to my house crying because they’ve known me for 3 months and started begging me to get over myself and eff them and then ask for a bandaid for the smallest scratch I’ve ever seen, I’d think they were pathetic. My reaction to this situation is universal, I assure you.
I was nicer in person than I’m being here, but I don’t believe for a minute that I can continue our friendship as it was. Knowing he’s this desperate to get me in bed and literally willing to grovel for it, I can’t find an ounce of respect for him anymore, and having been around desperate men before I don’t trust him or feel safe.
He’s latched on to one of my favorite hobbies (crochet—weird, right?) and is trying to make plans incorporating that, but crochet is my favorite way to clear my mind alone.
It’s pretty obvious that despite everything I said to him, he’s betting on patience and ingratiating himself to me by asking me to teach him and make things together, he’s playing the long game to get his d*ck wet.
I don’t want to have to stop volunteering here to get away from him, and what I learned in therapy encourages me to get past this to maintain the friendship. Am I insane for being this skeptical of his true intentions? Is there anything else I can do to reduce his attraction, or is my pre-therapy instinct right to gtfo ASAP?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Interesting, I thought therapy was usually helpful with setting boundaries. I feel like you should consider finding a new therapist if this one is encouraging you to maintain relationships with people who don't respect you or your boundaries. You did have a hand in his trauma bonding with you, another sign that your therapist is failing you.
Find a new animal shelter to volunteer at, if there isn't another one in your area you should consider just finding somewhere new to volunteer if you like contributing to your community in that way. But maintaining any kind of relationship with him at this point is just plain stupid.
throwawaffleaway (OP)
Yeah I learned pretty quick after therapy that my exposures for social anxiety made everything worse. I’m avoidant as hell and have literally run away from situations I dislike, and this REALLY expensive famous program (I’m not kidding, people come from around the world) encouraged me to “say yes to everything” and it made my mental health a lot worse.
"what I learned in therapy encourages me to get past this to maintain the friendship"
You need a different therapist, because anyone who tells you that you have to tolerate harassment for the sake of allowing your emotional abuser more access to you has their head all the way up their rear.
Four days later, the OP returned with an update.
So before I made my original post, I already had plans with a mixed group including M28. Before I dive in I just want to thank everyone that shared their experiences with ill-informed therapy, social anxiety, boundaries, and struggles similar to mine.
I wish I was in a place where I could trust my gut without other input, but at least there are kind encouraging people out there. So unfortunately the other people canceled (it was not on purpose, just things fell apart on their end) and I ended up being alone with M28.
It was okay. Later on in the day some of the others did show up, and we were playing around with those TikTok tarot readings just being silly. Well when it was my turn, the video that came up (of COURSE) was all about love and romance and I was like “ugh no way, this makes me want to gag”.
M28 immediately burst into tears in front of everyone because “I wish you had said that the other night, that I make you want to gag”. To be fair, there were some shots of alcohol involved before this. But still.
I generally had a good day and wanted to keep the vibe so I basically had to talk him down (also in front of everyone) and then once everyone left, he pulled me aside (shocker, huh) and I had to reiterate AGAIN that the stupid TikTok thing is literally just TikTok, my reaction was NOT about him, and had to defend my entire position in life AGAIN.
Then he asked if he could prove himself to no longer make a scene by helping me study for university. I said I wasn’t sure but obviously I’m not going to do that. It’s hard enough to focus on school without a weepy baby having tantrums next to me and probably checking me out when I’m not looking.
So, it’s sad and it sucks because I have to change my whole deal now, but I managed to find some other volunteer shifts that work with my schedule but it’s cutting down to one day a week.
I told the coordinator why and that I would like my new schedule to be private if possible and they agreed to take me off the email list and just know when I’m coming in. I feel bad complicating her job and also ditching the other volunteers but at least I still get to see the animals I’ve grown warm to.
I alluded to this being a pattern in my life in my previous post and comments, but truly this guy takes the cake. He really believes that every single thing I have to say revolves around HIM, like he takes up space in my head. Well, he does, in a negative way.
This week things seriously escalated on his end and I’m already tired of it. Surprise, M28, I’ve actually lived an entire life without you and I will continue to do so. Sorry you’re so insecure that your life can be totally encompassed by someone else this easily.
It’s sad but I doubt he will change. The tactic of “cry then guilt into more of what I want” is super easy to do. He sees every activity I do alone, joyfully, as an opportunity to commandeer that time and make it about him.
I was nervous at first he’d end up seeing this, I think he uses Reddit as well, but tbh I don’t care anymore. If he does see this, maybe seeing my side (because clearly he canNOT listen) might shock him into acting like a normal adult person.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
This guy is...a pathetic creep. Hey guy, if you stumble across this poor lady's reddit, please know multitudinous people, many of them women, think you're a super pathetic creep. Ugh, you did not deserve for this guy to ruin something you enjoyed, either. I hope he gets abducted by aliens and returned to his creepy home planet.
That's the beauty of the gaycation
Can we get “Update: UGHHHH there’s more” as a flair? That got a legitimate laugh out of me.
I would love to be on board with this as a mic drop moment but honestly OP still seems to be indulging her avoidant tendencies, despite her remarkable self-awareness. She doesn't communicate the situation to the broader group of volunteers. She doesn't firmly decline his "help" with university study.
She doesn't even really acknowledge that this has become sufficiently burdensome to justify changing where she volunteers; instead she chases the compromise of a schedule change to avoid the problem (and STILL feels bad for taking even that small step!)
She knows she's avoidant on an intellectual level, but I don't know that's she's connected that label to her behaviours effectively. It's like she's heard her behaviour described and acknowledges that the description fits, but that hasn't translated into changed behaviour. Obviously the guy is a pathetic loser. I hope that this experience gives OP cause to reflect and make some changes moving forward.