Friend refuses to be Man of Honor for bride with homophobic groom, 'it's not Adam and Steve.' AITA?
"AITA for not wanting to go to my friend's wedding, even though she’s marrying a homophobe?"
My (24M) best friend (24F) is getting married in a month to a major homophobe and she invited me to the wedding, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable attending. (I’m gay).
So for a little background, me and my best friend met when we were in 4th grade and have been inseparable since. We have had so many classes together, done so many things together and have been there for each other through everything.
Her grandmother passing, my parents separating, I mean she’s my rock. Everytime we were going through a rough patch in our own lives, we would always be an open ear to the other and knew how to make the other feel better.
My bsf, who we will call Katie now (fake name obv) has always been the kinda person to ask for advice, and then end up doing what she wants anyway. Whenever she met this guy, her now fiancé, she would ask me what I thought. I guess the “best friend test.” I wouldn’t say I’m a judgemental person, but I pick up on vibes. and this guy gave me major homophobe vibes.
I picked it up from the first time I met him. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because Katie normally had a good judge of character, and he made her happy. I’m not very feminine, so he never liked me because he always thought I was after his woman. He never believed it when either of us said I said I didn’t swing that way.
As time went on I guess he wasn’t as worried about me, and got more comfortable, and he said some out of pocket things. Subtle gay jokes here and there at first, then blatant remakes about how 2 men shouldn’t be together, how the Bible says “Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve,” how 2 guys can’t properly raise kids.
And honestly every rebuttal to gay marriage under the sun. Katie didn’t seem to acknowledge any of these remarks, despite me bringing them to her attention. So here’s the situation. Katie is getting married next month and I’m supposed to be the man of honor.
But I feel like I would be doing a disservice to myself if I attended, seeing as she’s marrying someone who doesn’t support my existence, and I’m not sure what his thoughts on me even being there even are. I honestly don’t want to be there, and I hope this wedding falls through.
I haven’t expressed these emotions to her yet, as I don’t want to ruin it for her. I'm afraid if I do it would push her away. But I’m also afraid if I don’t and go through with it, I would lose my best friend anyway. So, Reddit, AITA? Should I cut my losses? I'm at a loss right now…
Here's what the top commenters had to say about this one:
carmensandiego77 said:
NTA. Absolutely skip the wedding. Sorry, Katie, you don't get to have a gay best friend AND marry someone who thinks gay people don't deserve rights and basic human decency.
"Katie didn’t seem to acknowledge any of these remarks, despite me bringing them to her attention." <-- this is giving me the sense that everyone here is too passive. Ask her flat out: "Are you OK with the homophobic things he says or not?"
If she claims she's not, "Then why are you marrying someone like that?" No more dancing around it -- make her admit it out loud. She'll either realize her mistake or she'll lose a friend, but that's on her.
UnhappyGrowth5555 said:
NTA. Honestly, skipping her wedding isn’t what will drive her away, it’s the fact that she’s marrying someone who doesn’t accept your existence. I’m so sorry OP, your friendship is on its way out whether you attend or not.
NotNormallyHere said:
NTA, but you shouldn't be friends with someone who would be with someone like that. Even if you weren't gay.....he's deplorable, and she is as well by association and tacit approval. You should no longer have anything to do with either of them.
beito14159 said:
Esh. Her for being with a homophobe but why on earth did you accept being man of honor? And you want to now dip a month before? You shouldn’t have accepted in the first place and have just made everything way worse.
NapalmAxolotl said:
NTA, but. First, I'm sorry, but you're losing your best friend. If you bail on the wedding, she will hate you and blame you for everything. I actually advise you to go through with it, be the man of honor, and then pull back and spend less time with Katie, more time with others. That way you're not burning the bridge with Katie, and if she wises up and gets divorced, you can potentially be close friends again.
SaorsaAgusDochas said:
NTA. I’m sorry hun, but you’ve already lost your best friend. You lost her a while ago. Because a person who tolerates homophobia from a partner, is a homophobe too. Her desire to get male validation was stronger than your friendship.