'AITA for telling my friend I share everything with my wife and don't believe in bro code?'

"AITA for telling my friend I share everything with my wife and I don't believe in bro code?"

My friend and I have been friends for twenty-five years. We know each other well. We're both happily married. We never really dive into deep talks or anything like that. He has said things before that really weren't appropriate about women (not cheating or anything) and says haha bro code. I have told him forever that I don't believe in bro code.

IMO if you can't say something in front of your wife then you either shouldn't be saying it, you should work on your communication, or you're not as compatible as you thought. Plus I'm not protecting someone if they do something that goes against my own personal moral code. I mean if he killed someone I'd be there with a shovel and a hole and not tell anyone, there's always exceptions.

Much later he wanted to talk to me about something and told me it was in confidence and I told him again, something he already knew, that anything he tells me he's telling my wife too. They have also known each other nearly twenty years and get along great. We lived together for almost a decade - any time he wanted to talk about something he'd go to her and he knew that she'd tell me.

There's nothing I don't tell my wife. Same for her. We both believe communication and openness are the key to a happy relationship, and we are pretty effing happy. We basically never argue or disagree and both of us know each other down to the core.

So this last time after telling him again that anything he confides in me will also go to my wife, he got upset. He contacted all of our friends and asked them if they'd go running to their wives when someone confided in them and they're all on his side.

I understand that it's not normal, but he has always known this, so it's not like it's a surprise. AITA for not wanting to keep secrets from my wife and being open about that?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

DJJINO said:

People are going to come at me for this but I believe what friends share should be kept a secret. Why does your wife have to know something about your friend that he wants kept secret? Unless it directly affects your wife, why does she have to know everything about everyone?

DivergingParallelism said:

YTA your are ready to help him burry a body, no questions asked (and no wife present) but you can't have a private conversation with him? You might want to check on your moral priorities

RandomGirl42 said:

"I mean if he killed someone I'd be there with a shovel and a hole and not tell anyone, there's always exceptions." So... if he killed a woman, you'd help cover it up, but if he just tells you something inappropriate about her, you share your moral outrage with your wife?

YTA. At the minimum, a stupid one because you didn't even think about what you're implying with your posting, or possibly a really massive self-righteous one because you really meant it.

Western_Falcon_70 said:

You’re mistaking BroCode (kinda like “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”) with “that’s not my information to share." You have a great relationship with your wife-you’re lucky, but you’re saying to your friend that he can’t share personal things just with you. If he wanted to tell your wife he would; but not everything is yours to share. This is a basic tenet of friendship.

If he does things you are morally against stop being friends with him. If he just wants some basic trust that what he says to you isn’t shared with your wife, learn to keep some things private from her. Share everything with your wife about YOU doesn’t mean share everything about OTHERS. Sorry YTA for over sharing.

puzzlebuns said:

YTA. You don't need to blab everything to your wife. Obviously if it's something that concerns her or if she asks about it then tell her. But if it's none of her business, why cant you keep your friend's confidence? That's just basic discretion. If you can't even be discrete for the sake of your friend, then you're not really their friend.

CarefulLab7833 said:

YTA. If your friend wants to discuss his erectile issues or something else, are you going straight to your wife? There’s not having secrets, then there’s being whatever you are. YTA and a bad friend.

And Friendly-Client6242 said:

There’s a difference between “keeping secrets” from your wife - things that would impact her but you’re choosing not to tell her; versus keeping someone’s confidence - information that has nothing to do with your wife and you telling her is just gossip.

My spouse and I also have good communication, and we don’t keep secrets. And also, if a friend needs someone to confide in, they know they can trust me with the information since it isn’t mine to share. NTA for being honest about who you are. Just be prepared for people to decide you aren’t the right one to confide in.

lllollllllllll said:

Do you run home and replay every single word you and your friends say to each other after a hangout? Like it’s not budding stuff from her it’s just not reporting every little thing

And OP responded:

I don't "report", but we do talk about shooting the shit with friends and what people said. It's not like I have an eidetic memory. I'll definitely be like "oh Carl's mom is having issues with that cough again" or "haha Billy almost tripped on his face trying to swat a fly."

I have such a shit memory that 99.9% of what was said/did is going to fall by the wayside, but if I could just replay the entire day? Yeah, I'd tell her play by play. She'd do the same. I'm shit at small talk especially after twenty years of being together - what else do we have to do?