'AITA? I cut off my friend after she told my daughter she is adopted.'
"AITA? I cut off my friend after she told my daughter she is adopted."
Sorry in advance for any grammatical errors I’m frustrated and can’t think straight. I (M) had a wife with infertility issues, and we had the money, but she felt a certain way about surrogacy. So, we decided to adopt a baby.
Sadly my wife passed away a few years back and I have been taking care of our daughter. she is 13 now, we agreed to tell her when she’s 16 and even though my wife isn’t here, I was going to stick to that.
A close friend of mine and my wife’ knew everything that had happened with the adoption, my wife, etc etc and she came over about a week ago just for a visit as usual.
We ended up talking about my wife and how she was saying it’s been a long time, I have to stop referring to her as if she’s still here, as in calling her my wife to people (who know she’s no longer here) or not moving on. I am not ready to move and, I made that clear and I do not want to bring another woman into my daughter's life without her being in the loop.
We exchanged words, I told her that she has no place to say those things etc and that I want her out my house. She went to “say bye” to my daughter and left. HOURS later my daughter came to me about being adopted, she didn’t say my friend told her but I am sure as hell she did.
I called my friend after this conversation with my daughter and we argued til she admitted to telling her she is adopted. I told her I'm done and blocked her and she is texting me on different numbers hurling insults at me.
I will end up talking to my daughter more about the adoption thing, I didn't think 13 was a good age and I don't know how she will take it. I will most likely end up having my mother in law come over to help with this.. but AITA? edit: as I read this back I realise i do say “my wife” quite a lot. Sorry about the repetition.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. My dude. You told her you wouldn't think of "moving on" until your daughter knew everything. She immediately told your daughter everything. She wants you to move on with her. She upset your family dynamic for her own benefit. NEVER let her around your (and your wife's) girl again.
Glad I’m not the only one who read it this way. This is some incredibly manipulative behavior. Intentionally creating what could be a trainwreck for OP’s poor daughter. She didn’t do anything to be brought into this. That is one vile woman, what a freaking snake.
You’re only an AH for not telling your daughter sooner. All research recommends telling your child often and early, as in before 5. If I first found out at your daughter’s age, that would be trauma inducing.
NTA ex friend crossed every line and then decided to be vindictive. Don't wait to talk to your daughter. She can handle it. Be truthful.
EX friend is a vindictive "b" and you absolutely should not talk to her ever again. I'd also burn her world to the ground with any mutual friends family etc. Shunned for life. BTW "my wife" is okay to say for as long as you want. You just compressed over a decade into a few paragraphs. That's not repetition is much as story telling. That's how it works. NTA.
What your friend did was awful. While I question the decision to keep this information away from your daughter while others knew the truth (because stuff like this gets out), the fact of the matter was that this friend maliciously revealed a life-changing secret to harm you without a care for the impact on your daughter. I am so sorry that you are having to clean up the mess that this friend created.
NTA but drop this woman, anyone that vindictive has skin in the game and she has her eye on you. As to your daughter, talk to her about the adoption, explain to her why you waited so long to tell her, and apologize.
Nothing reinforces trust like admitting you may have made a bad decision, especially to a kid Ask her, once you do, if she agrees with your decision. Nothing makes a kid trust a patent more than a show of respect.
ESH. 16 is way too old. You should have been introducing the idea in small doses throughout her life so that it was natural to her and she wouldn't be in for a shock. However, NOT your "friend's" place to say anything to her.
YTA. Adopted children should be told they are adopted in an age appropriate way, as soon as they're old enough to understand. You did your daughter a huge disservice.
NTA, but this is something your daughter needed to know before she could remember. I'm adopted and in my house, it went something like "we're having broccoli for dinner, and by the way you're adopted." It's not something my parents made a big deal of and as a result I have zero trauma from it. The longer you wait the worse it will be for your daughter.
You can say my wife until you take your last breath. It's up to no one at all to police that. You're not saying it why you have a fiance for heaven's sake. You're saying it because she's very much alive in your heart and in your mind and in your memories.
As to telling your daughter something like that, she's an evil b-word. What kind of person takes out their anger on a child? Your right to cut her out of your life. You should tell your friends exactly what she did. Don't allow her to get there first.
Now that your daughter knows, don't avoid the subject. Sit her down today ask her if she has questions. Tell her you chose her. Don't let her think there's any anger surrounding her learning about the circumstances of becoming a family. It is a beautiful beautiful thing. Screw that so-called human being.