'My 'friend' took advantage of me when I was in the hospital.' UPDATED
"My 'friend' took advantage of me when I was in the hospital."
I was away from my home for a month for a planned surgery plus recovery. This was a very intensive surgery. I'm six weeks out right now and I can still barely walk.
At the last minute, my hired pet sitter cancelled on me and I was desperate to find a replacement. I offered that money to a friend who was having housing difficulties. She was to take care of my house and pets. I let her stay in my home while I was gone, and I even bought $300 worth of groceries for her.
The agreement was for her to take care of my kittens and fish and to have the house tidied up before I got home. My car would be there in case of an emergency, but otherwise please avoid driving it; it's a lease and I have an allotment of miles I can drive before I have to pay extra.
After I was admitted into the hospital, she moved her own cat in, and also her boyfriend in.
When I got home, my house was an absolute disaster. Dishes piled up in the sink (took me four loads to clear), dishes and leftover food scattered around the house, cat vomit left to dry on the floor, bags of cat litter clumps in the hallway, half full trash bags left in the entry way, stains on the couch, floors and counters filthy.
There was a 3 foot circle of wood ash on the floor around the fireplace. They used up about 80% of my winter wood pile, so now I don't have enough wood to last me the rest of the winter.
So here I am, post surgery and barely able to walk, scrubbing the floors, doing dishes, taking out the trash, sweeping and mopping and vacuuming. But there's only so much I can physically do before I'm in massive pain. Well, you guessed it - I have been in massive pain every night since that first night doing too much trying to clean up after her. It hasn't even been a week.
She tried to negotiate with me to stay at my house for several more weeks or longer, "to help with the kids and take care of you." No. Not a chance. But I'm so weak right now that I had to play it as tactfully as I could. What resulted was her staying an extra two days, her useless boyfriend sitting on my couch, eating my food, watching me clean up and not offering to help. She, at least, cooked food for me the next day.
I called my two besties, a married couple, and asked them to come by to ensure these two left my house when the Lyft arrived to take them home. I told them hours beforehand to pack up and be ready to leave. They waited until ten minutes prior to finally start packing, and the Lyft driver had to wait a half hour for them.
As they were leaving, the boyfriend was questioning my friend and asking him how long they were staying. He grey rocked with excellence. The boyfriend was all, "I'm just concerned about her and want to make sure she has the help she needs. And I'll be back to help out as much as I can." That as^%$ole did absolutely nothing to help and made everything harder on me!
As soon as they were gone, my real friends sent me to bed and helped clean up my kitchen and living room. My kids also helped out. Even with that, I would still end up having to spend time over the next several days cleaning up after them. I still haven't tried to remove the couch stains, but at least my son vacuumed all the crumbs and such out of the cushions and cleaned up the fireplace.
And then, I discovered my car. I had given her permission for two non-emergency trips into the city, about 30 miles away. She also admitted to using my car "a little bit" while I was gone. I was too weak to make a fuss of it.
Well, it turns out they drove my car over 1100 miles! These parasites took absolute advantage of me while I was at my weakest.
So today, I sent a text requesting they pay me 30¢ per mile of unauthorized use, which adds up to $255. I'll either get some money back for my troubles, or I'll scare them away so badly that I'll never have to see them or deal with them again. Either way, it's a win.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
dilligaf_84:
Jeeeeezzzzusssss! I’m so sorry this happened to you OP!
OP responded:
Thank you. It's hard for me to enforce boundaries even when I'm at my best, but I'm trying to get better. I've been learning and practicing ever since I divorced my cheating ex.
RatedPG922:
Why in God's name didn't you ask your two "besties" right from the get go? Why did you ask some scumbag friend?
OP responded:
Yeah. They asked me the same thing. I was stressed and panicking and didn't think they'd be available with their jobs, especially since I live a good 45 minute drive from them. I figured it was easier to help a friend in need than to impose upon them. I suffered for my choice.
NutAli:
How old are your children, and where were they when these slobs were at your house?
OP responded:
Elementary school age. I have 50/50 custody of them, so they stayed with my ex while I was gone.
OP added:
My ex is a cheater and a liar and deeply hurt me with the multiple affairs. I would really really prefer not to have to rely on my ex for anything other than what is strictly necessary regarding the children.
xCyn1cal0wlx:
Are the fish ok?
OP responded:
Fish are doing well. Oh! And my water filter broke the night before I left and I had to spend another $70 on a new one! 😭 I'm just glad the pet store was still open when it happened.
Valuable-Job-7956:
Is your cat ok?
OP responded:
Kittens are doing well! Happy, healthy, well socialized. At least she took care of them well. People aren't all bad, and as much as she and her bf used me, at least my pets were taken care of. (I'm forever the "silver linings" girl)
fandomnightmare:
I'm so sorry this happened to you when you were just trying to help out a friend, even at a time when you needed the most help yourself. Though we all of course need to be discerning, please don't lose your beautiful kindness over this.
I hope your surgery went well, please take the best care of yourself and allow yourself to rest ❤️ (Saying that last party because I messed up my own C-section scar two weeks after I had my baby by cleaning and walking, and I'm guessing you had something at least as invasive if not more so to contend with.)
OP responded:
Thank you, hunny. It's been a little rough having to both clean up after my "help" and also take care of the kids. Fortunately, my older two have been incredibly helpful. And I've been feeding them with the slow cooker; super easy meals that last for days.
A girlfriend stopped by on Wednesday to take me to the pharmacy and go grocery shopping for me. Then she spent the evening playing with my kids, helping with homework, and even made dinner for us. She was amazing.
And I hired a nanny yesterday, and she's starting Monday to take the kids to school for me, and help me around the house a bit. I'm just going to have to bleed money for a little while.
OP added in response to comments:
• I do have external cameras. I've been meaning to get internal ones for common areas, but there's only so much I can afford at once and right now all my funds are going towards divorce and medical care. Once my divorce is finalized, I'll be spending funds on a restraining order against my ab%^$ve parents.
• I do have quite a few friends who have since offered genuine help, just most of them live far from me. They were just unavailable at the moment I needed them. When my hired help fell through, I was desperate to find someone. And I was too stressed to think of all my options.
• Changing locks is something I know how to do! I had to do it after the divorce when my ex's parents decided they could just waltz into my house whenever they wanted, because "it's the same house our grandbabies are in." (I bought the house off my ex in the divorce).
• I was so scared my medicine would have been taken that it was the first thing I looked through. Fortunately, the only valuable jewelry I have I wear (my ex never bought me jewelry; they're all pieces I bought myself after the divorce).
• I still have to check out the garage and see if things are where they're supposed to be. And yes, searching the house for anything illegal is definitely something I should do. It's just hard to do everything while recovering from surgery. I move slow, I'm in a lot of pain, and there's always something that needs to get done - including bed rest.
The next morning:
brownzeus:
You need to go nuclear and publicly shame them on instagram or Facebook, or even any active group chat. It's shitty behavior, and very sus the boyfriend said he wanted to come back to continue helping. People need to be warned of parasites like these or they will continue taking advantage of people.
OP responded:
I did. It got worse last night and I ended up sharing it all within a specific tight knit community that will spread the local word.
The next day OP came back with this update:
I didn't expect an update to happen so quickly. Honestly I didn't expect an update at all. You may call me naive. You're probably right. I just always try to see the best in people and hope they choose to be good.
It's time to use some names. Her name is Raven. I don't know if it's her real name, but that's what she introduced herself to me as and that's how I know her. Her boyfriend is Angelo. The cat's name is Alvin (he's a sweetheart).
A bit of background on me. I grew up in one of those "never rock the boat" homes where image was more important than anything else. If someone harmed me, hurt me, insulted me, anything, and I got upset, I was forced to apologize to them. My dad is also an explosive man.
He was fine most of the time, except for the times when he wasn't. When I was 18 he strangled me. I fled to the army. Got away for four years. Sent to war and got PTSD. My dad has only harassed me a few times since, over the years; the most recent was last June.
I ended up marrying an emotionally unavailable person who would later become a serial cheater and blame me for the affairs. For years I accepted that blame, tried to change myself and make myself better so they wouldn't cheat anymore.
I finally filed for divorce at the end of 2024. When I called my mom for support, she took the side of my ex, downplayed the affairs, and told me to cancel the divorce and beg my ex back "for the sake of the kids."
It took me a long time to be able to admit to myself that none of this was my fault, and most of that was just this past year while I have been in therapy. Despite everything that happened, I always blamed myself, not them. I tried over and over to explain to them how they harmed me. It never worked.
It's not my fault that I had terrible parents. But it is my responsibility to take ownership of my healing. Fault is past focused, responsibility is future focused. We learn from the past, but we focus on the future.
I am now estranged from my parents as of three months ago. My mom does not respect that and keeps trying to find ways to contact me, including showing up at my house unannounced.
My dad has been s^%$talking about me to anyone he can. He battered my ex, threatened to sue us both for grandparents rights. As soon as my divorce is signed by the judge and finalized, I'll be talking to a lawyer about getting a restraining order against my parents.
All that is to explain what happened between me and Raven and why it was so hard for me to kick her out. Not only am I bad at boundaries in general, but also with major surgery I'm in a severely weakened state as I slowly recover. I'm so thankful for my best friends for coming in to help me.
I say all this to preface what happened last night. I am too nice. I know I am. But it's not something I want to let go. People do take advantage of me sometimes. I know. It's a risk of being kind, but I refuse to let my kindness go. I want to live in a world with kindness, and that always starts with yourself. I don't want to grow into a bitter old hag.
Despite posting my story only yesterday, the events took place last weekend. I returned home from surgery last Friday, and it took me until Sunday to actually get Raven and Angelo out of my house. I couldn't have done it without my two best friends, who helped enforce it for me. Even then they left behind several things.
Some clothes, her prescription medicine, her cat, etc. This was likely so they could worm their way back into my home, though I didn't realize it at the time. Then I spent all week taking care of my kids and slowly trying to clean house. Yesterday was custody exchange day, so now I finally have some time to just relax and recover.
Yesterday I also ran out of pain meds. I've been desperately trying to get more all week, but my surgeon is unavailable, my primary care physician is out of office, my gynecologist never called me back... Finally I just went to the ER for pain management. The doctor and staff there were wonderful, but it still took a total of seven hours. I didn't get home until after 9 pm.
At 11:45 pm, I got a phone call from a local number I didn't recognize. I answered. It was Raven.
She was in tears. She said the house she was staying at ended up being really dangerous, and she was scared and i was the only person she knew and she needed me to come get her. I told her I can't.
I can't get her, I can't drive that much, I just got out of the ER, I'm on pain meds that make it so I can't drive, I'm not going to put myself around druggies especially in my current state, and I can't bring her back to my home. I need my home to be for me. Her attitude immediately shifted.
The crying immediately stopped, the pitch of her voice dropped, and she said something about, "Fine. I get it. I'll figure it out. It's not your problem." She hung up. I don't remember exactly as my pain meds make my head fuzzy.
After that, she texted me. I'll copy and paste the response:
Raven: "I'm sorry I asked. And also you can tell me, are we not friends anymore, did I do something really bad?"
Me: "Call 911. You're in danger and so is everyone around you. Get the police to arrest them and get you to safety."
Raven: "I already did."
Me: "Good"
Raven: "I don't know what to do anymore. The cops are here but they won't help. It looks like the cops left doing nothin in the process. I'm sorry. It's ok, I'll figure out something."
At this point, I wrote a long message about how I can't have her back. However, I took a lot of the advice given to me on my last post - especially the criticism calling me a doormat, calling me naive, and saying this was my fault for being too kind.
Here's what I originally wrote but didn't send:
"You have to figure that out for yourself. I am not your rescuer. I have my own health to take care of and my own children.
Besides, I have given you a lot already and you took advantage of that. You left my house in shambles. It's taken me all week to clean up after your stay, and there's still more to do. I've torn stitches trying to make my home safe for my kids.
I'm not safe around you and Angelo. He especially scares me; I'm fairly certain he's dangerous. For the time being, you're not welcome at my home. If you show up, I will call the cops. Ditch that man, get stability in your life and I may reconsider.
For now, Alvin will be well taken care of."
Here's what I actually posted:
"I’m really sorry you’re in a frightening situation. I’m not able to help beyond encouraging you to work with emergency services and local resources.
I need to be clear that I cannot be your rescuer, and I cannot take on crisis support, transportation, or housing. I’m recovering from surgery and need to focus on my health and my children.
Due to what happened during your stay, including the condition my home was left in and the negative impact on my recovery from it, you and Angelo are not welcome at my home going forward. This boundary is firm.
If you show up here, I will call the police.
Alvin will be cared for.
I wish you safety, but I can’t be involved beyond this."
Raven: "So the stuff I left I can't get back? Not even my cat?"
Me : "Please send me a list of the personal items you want returned and an address where they can be shipped. I’m not able to arrange in-person pickup.
For Alvin, I will coordinate a drop-off at a vet or shelter, and you can retrieve him from there.
If you have a preferred vet, please let me know. Otherwise, I’ll select one."
Raven: "The stuff I don't care about, can you please just drop my cat off, that I can get him. And I'm sorry that I didn't take care of the house well enough, just please don't throw my cat away. Can you just drop him off at [local vet] like on Monday? Whatever time I'll be there, just don't take my cat away from me."
And that's it. I spent the rest of the night so scared they would show up to my house anyways. I already have PTSD from the army which leaves me super paranoid that people are going to attack me and harm me.
So whenever conflict comes up, I end up spiraling and panicking about it, imagining scenarios over and over. Fortunately my anxiety meds help. I locked all my doors and windows. I eventually fell asleep at 1 am. I've been up since 5.
On Monday, I plan to ask a friend to come with me to drop the cat off. And then after I leave I will inform her that she can get him. And if she can't, well, it's not my problem.
As for me, today I have some different friends dropping by to cook me dinner and help clean my house some more. I have also asked them to help me change the locks, thanks to all the advice I received in my last post.
Hopefully this is the end of it. I really just want to be able to recover in peace.
Edit: To answer some of the same questions that keep coming up:
1. Yes, I have cameras.
2. Yes, I am changing the locks, but I haven't been able to do so yet. I didn't get home from the emergency room last night until 9 pm, and I'm not in a position where I can keep running errands all day. I went to the grocery store this morning, and that took about everything I have out of me. I have friends coming tonight to help.
3. Yes, I have a credit monitoring subscription set up and I will be going through that when I have the time and energy. There's only so much I can do in a day before my body shuts down. Recovery from major surgery is absolutely exhausting.
4. No, I will not keep Alvin. I do not want to have anything that will invite Raven back into my home. For all of you saying I need to keep him - I welcome you to take him for yourself and subsequently invite Raven into your lives. Then you can deal with all this and I can recover in peace. I'll let you know what location I drop him off at, and you can go pick him up before she does. If she does at all.
Here's what people had to say to OP after the update:
ArtisticLicence:
OMG. Sounds like a Raven I know. Do you live in the Sunshine State? This is what AI is good for. Helping to reword stuff.
OP responded:
I'm on the other coast! California girl.
OP added:
I feel bad for the cat, but I don't legally own him and I cannot put myself in a position where she will try to use him as leverage against me or to reenter my life.
No-BS4me:
OP, I suggest having someone at your house when you drop Alvin off, because Raven may send some of her tweaker pals to rob your place while you're not there. Pain meds are irresistible for junkies....
OP responded:
Thank you. That's a good idea.
perpetuallyxhausted:
You should be proud of how you've handled this OP! Lesson to learn going forward though? Don't let people stay unsupervised in your home if you don't even know their real name.
OP responded:
Thank you! 💜 It's super common in my community for people to use a chosen name. I have one as well. Jessica is my chosen name. I don't tell people my legal name.
_aggressivezinfandel
Raven is sorry that she “didn't take care of the house well enough” wowwww
bug-hunter
10:1 that Angelo and Raven were trying to move in and become tenants.
SlitThroatCutCreator
Really hope the cat goes to someone who isn't out of their mind like Raven.