'AITA because my friend/coworker thinks I’m not making enough time for him?'

"AITA: My friend/coworker thinks I’m not making enough time for him?"

My (F26) coworker (M26) who I’ve hung out with outside of work quite a few times now, told me he needed to talk to me after work because I had done something to upset him.

When we talked he said that he thought I wasn’t hanging out with him enough (we work together 40hrs a week).

And that I was making time for everyone but him. I went on a walk with another coworker during our lunch break (because I felt bad I hadn’t hung out with him even though I said I would) and this really upset him because I said no when he’s asked to join me before because I really prefer walking alone and using my lunch break to have a minute to myself.

He was upset that instead of going to his Christmas party later this month I decided I was going to spend time with my sister and our best friend because our friend just got back from being away for three weeks and I don’t get to see them very often. Also we have 2 work holiday parties we’ll both be at.

I work full time, am in school, have a partner and family/friends I’m trying to see for the holidays and he’s upset I haven’t hung out with him outside of work in like three weeks.

This is the second time he’s told me he “needs to speak with me” for doing something wrong, the first time was that at a Halloween party I was talking to our other friend more than him which I think was super weird. I’m starting to just feel exhausted being friends with him. Am I a bad friend or is he just clingy?

agap87 writes:

NTA, he is being excessively entitled over your time and energy. I would be having an informal chat with your manager about this whole situation as well, in case he turns nasty about it:: you've put it pretty well in your post.

At one place I worked, someone set up a lunchtime walking group where anyone who wanted could join in whenever they could take a lunch break at that time. Is it worth setting that up to make it easier to share 'social time' with multiple people once a week - and have your other lunch breaks as 'you' time?

It could also be a good 'test' to see if he will accept you spending social time in groups where he is present, although that shouldn't be your main reason for setting up a group!

play7 writes:

NTA. This is very odd. This sounds more like kindergarten or middle school than a professional work environment. I think you just need to have a frank discussion:

"Frank, I like you and enjoy talking to you at work. But I have other responsibilities outside of work, and, when I am here, sometimes I need to get away by myself for awhile. It's not appropriate to scold me, or anyone for that matter, for not socializing the way you want, and I need you to stop."

lowblance writes:

If you like your job and don't want to leave, you can manage this. Document every time he wants to see you outside of work and let him know you have school (an assignment due, a test to study for or a group assignment).

If he asks to speak with you after work, suggest you just talk now because you have an appointment right after work. If someone asks you to join you on your walk, politely decline because you have make some personal phone calls. Those can range from doctor's appointments to clarifications in your study group. NTA and you aren't a bad friend. I think he wants more than that.

gangre writes:

NTA. Sounds like he's dating you without you realizing it

effect98 writes:

NTA. I mean I guess it's good he wants to have open communication? He's just projecting his needs on you. it sounds like he needs more friends or he has a bit of a crush. Friendships should not feel like obligations.

Unless you want to torch this friendship, I'd just let him know that he's guilting and manipulating you and it's making you uncomfortable. That you are allowed to have other friendships and yes (gasp) prioritize them over a work friendship. Your sister and close friend definitely trump him.

People you don't see often trump people you see every day. Don't be an AH and tell him he doesn't matter or that he's exhausting, just tell him that he's stressing you out and that you can't always prioritize his friendship over your own mental health and other close relationships. Not everything is a snub.