wisespender
I (F38) just got back from a vacation with two of my longtime friends, "Kate" (F40) and "Mary" (F38). I've known them both since university, and we've always been close.
The three of us had been planning this Bali trip for a few months, along with our husbands and their kids (they both have children under 5, while my husband "Jake" (M45) and I are childfree). We agreed to split the cost of a four-bedroom villa three ways, and everything seemed fine at first.
Jake and I arrived in Bali earlier than the rest of the group because we had different flights. Once we got to the villa, we waited to choose rooms with our friends and didn’t mind when they both chose the ones with ensuites.
We had a great time during the trip—Jake and I did some couples activities (massages, hiking, dinners), but we also spent time with Kate and Mary and their families whenever it worked for everyone. To be nice, I even surprised them with massages to give them a break.
The only thing that made me uncomfortable was that whenever I ordered a drink (a cocktail before dinner, or a glass of wine with meals), I'd get comments like "Oh, you're drinking again?"
For context, I’m a social drinker and don't drink often, but we were on vacation, and I didn’t think it was a big deal, especially since our husbands were drinking too. I just ignored the comments so I could enjoy the trip.
On the last night, Jake and I made plans with the guys to go out, and Kate and Mary said they were staying in to pack. Jake convinced me to join him, and since it was the last night of our vacation, I didn’t want to stay in either.
We went out and had a great time. We got home at 1am and I passed out straight after. The next morning was a bit chaotic with everyone packing and checking out, but we all made it back home without issue.
We had booked business class seats back, so we were separated during the flight and said quick goodbyes at the airport. A week after returning home, I got a long text from Kate saying that both she and Mary wanted to reduce contact with me because I had "ruined their vacation."
They mentioned several things, like me drinking every night, that I wasn’t acting like a “girls’ girl,” that I booked different flights, didn't hang out with them enough, and that I was selfish for not helping with their kids. She even said I was just focused on partying and not acting my age. This message really hurt me. I cried after reading it, and I honestly don’t know what to think.
I thought I was just enjoying my vacation, but clearly, they had a very different view. I haven’t responded yet, and my husband has been asking what’s bothering me, but I don’t know what to say. AITA for how I acted during the trip?
wisespender
Thank you for all your kind words and support. Reading through the responses and seeing how many of you are upset on my behalf has made me reflect on how I initially planned to handle things. I was going to apologize, thinking it might be the easiest way to keep the peace, but now I realize that might not be the right approach after all.
I have also showed my husband, Jake, this post and the text message, and he told me to thank you for looking out for me. He’s actually pretty angry on my behalf about the text message. I showed him some of the comments that gave me insight on how my friends may have been feeling which has given us both a lot to think about.
He asked me what I wanted to do next and if I wanted him to respond to my friends for me. While I appreciated the offer, I told him I’m still thinking it over. He reassured me that he’s here for me no matter what, and if I decide I want him to step in, he’d be ready to say something on my behalf.
For now, I’m going to sleep on it and take some time before I respond or don't respond to the text message. If I do, I'll post an update. Again, thank you all for helping me see things a bit more clearly. I feel less alone in this now.
Top_Most_3528
NTA. They're just jealous and expected you to lighten their childcare load. They probably can't even admit it to themselves. Just because they have kids doesn't mean if you go on holiday with them you must stay and look after the children just because you're a woman.
They need to tell this bull to their husbands as well because there sure is a double standard there. Partying? They must be joking. You go on holiday to enjoy things. Food, beverage, and experiences. They just expect you to be "grown up" like them. Even though that's a completely unrealistic expectation.
They need a reality check, but they probably won't listen to it from you. I'd say my piece as to why I disagree with what they've said and then just back right off the friendship. If they're good friends, they will try to make amends. If not, you're probably no longer compatible, which sucks but you might be better off.
wisespender (OP)
You're absolutely right. I was planning on apologizing but actually I'm pretty hurt by what they said. I'm probably not going to do that now.
schaden_friende
Good. They literally expected more from you than their husbands when it came to childcare. They are mad at you for doing what their husbands did. The difference is that you don't have kids and their husbands do.
So if anyone should have held back on drinking, it was their husbands. Their husbands should have shared the load--not you. Holy internalized misogyny.
ratishi
This is the key point. Why are the fathers of the children not expected to help with the childcare, but you are? This is sexism, though perpetrated by women.
Useful_Context_2602
NTA. They are 100% jealous. There's a stage in life where child free people do better hanging out with other child free people. People with kids can't see past their family lives and don't understand why you might want to live your life. I've been that soldier. Whatever about meeting for coffee/lunch/dinner. Travelling with them is an absolute no.
broccoli5
NTA. They sound a bit jealous of your vacation experience. They had kids to take care of and they expected you to stick by their side, not drink because they couldn’t, not go out because they couldn’t, and they’re probably flabbergasted that you wanted to go out with the men instead of staying back with the women and children and pack.
I would respond and ask to speak in person if possible. Ask for clarification on what you did wrong and what they expected of you.