'AITA for insisting my friend's GF pay her own share for vacation accommodation?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for insisting my friends SO pay their share for holiday accommodation?"

My friend (M47) and I (F43) booked to go to an island we'd both been keen to go to. We booked a 2 bed cabin and because of the popularity of the place we had to book and pay 10 months in advance. We split to cost 50/50. 2 months before we are due to go, he meets someone and they commence dating.

The holiday comes up, and understandably she was a bit uncomfortable with him coming with me. I was given an ultimation - either she comes or the entire holiday is called off. I didn't say yes immediately,, because I needed to check with the accommodation as the island has a limited number of guests allowed and I needed the okay from them first. My hesitation wasn't taken well, they thought I wasn't keen.

I got back to them within 24 hours and said I'd gotten the all clear for his girlfriend to also come and she could book plane tickets for her. A week later he informed me she had the tickets, and I asked him we we could discuss re-balancing the accommodation costs now that there was 3 of us coming - as it should now be a three way split.

I was surprised that he responded with anger. As far as he was concerned the accommodation was paid for and it was wrong and greedy of me to expect money from his girlfriend.

He told me that he was paying for the entire holiday for his girlfriend, so it was still going to be just him and me paying, so it was unfair of me to not pay for half. I told him that there's three adults, 3 people, three way split - if he chose to pay for his girlfriends third that was his choice and nothing to do with me.

He told me his girlfriend was going to buy me a cocktail to say thank you for the accommodation, but if I was going to insist on a split then I could forget it and buy my own "damn cocktails" as he couldn't beleive I was being so selfish. The thing is, a cocktail is $15, and I was currently covering half her accommodation costs ~ $600.

I don't think I was an @$$hole asking her/them to cover her share of the accommodation. I hadn't even met her yet, but they thought I should cover her costs because it was already paid for. AITA for insisting she pay for her component of the cost?

This is what top commenters had to say:

justhangingout420 said:

NTA pull out of the vacation if you can still get a full refund, this will not end up being fun for you.

AntelopeOld8683 said:

NTA. Make a deal with him: She pays for her share of the cabin, you buy your own drinks. Problem solved.

Spyryt1970 said:

Take someone really annoying with you. Just to even the numbers. And yes, maybe a bit of pettiness. NTA.

Seriouslydude-no-way said:

NTA but he should buy you out of the holiday and you can go somewhere on your own and not be the third wheel in the obsessive period of someone’s new relationship (coz that’s a lot of fun - not) or be expected to pay for half of your friends new GF’s holiday.

Ligmaballzss said:

NTA. Is it too late to get a refund on anything? I wouldn’t want to spend a single second with them considering they’re treating you like trash for asking for a simple contribution on a trip that the new girlfriend has weaseled her way into.

I would bet my bottom dollar that she’s either can’t afford and is insecure, or she’s just THAT entitled. If he’s paying her whole trip then he needs cough up more for the stay. Bad friend.

The consensus is: NTA.

The next day, OP shared this update:

Thank you everyone, interesting to see various lines of thoughts. It seems there's a split between people that think everyone pays equally no matter what, those that think a couple sharing a bedroom are treated as one person cost wise, and those that think the costs should be split taking into account the shared areas (1/3 per bedroom, 1/3shared spaces).

With this in mind &everything else going on I called the accommodation & discussed options, then called my friend. I explained to him that we'd made the agreement to split everything equally when there was only 2 of us going, but I no longer felt that agreement was fair.

I suggested the third option - splitting the cost of the communal areas three ways but set cost per bedroom & also stated that any food, activities etc wouldn't be split anymore, we'd each be responsible for our own & they could decide as a couple how they were paying for themselves.

It didn't go down well at all. He didn't see why he should be out of pocket because I decided to "go against our agreement that I'm paying 50% of everything". I stuck to it and said that I'd be willing to negotiate the accommodation costs but there was no way I was going to pay half for his GFs activities or her dinners and drinks,

and it was ridicolous for him to think I should be paying half of his GFs costs especially since she's a complete stranger and he'd already asked me to change all of our previous plans to suit her. He called me a b-word & told me I was acting crazy.

I stopped him & said that from that, I don't think this holiday going to work & I had spoken to the accommodation & I was going to cancel as of today.

I told him if he still wanted to go, then the accommodation would hold open the booking for him for 72 hours & if he confirmed with them I'd instructed them to hold onto $1800 as what he'd contributed to the booking & refund me the rest & his GF and him would have to pay the hotel to finalise. If they didn't confirm, I'd get the refund for the whole amount & then forward him his share.

He went quiet then told me that since I was 'changing the rules' at the last minute I should leave the entire accommodation payment because it wasn't his fault that I no longer wanted to go, leaving them in the lurch, and I would be ruining his holiday with his GF.

I told him I was cancelling & I would definitely not be paying for any accommodation I wouldn't be using. I might have been a little petty when I told him he'd still be paying for his girlfriends costs, it'll just be a little bit more than he was expecting because I was no longer going to subsidise them. I cancelled my flights & the accommodation and emailed him all the details.

Comments:

User1:

Wow, I am so sorry. They both are immature. I bet you she is young...offering a cocktail and then taking it back? She is young or broke or cheap...not someone you want to go on a nice trip with.

I would say, since there are so many requests by her, "this has become a trip more about her and therefore needs to be split 3 ways. How is it fair she gets to kick me out of the cabin?" Sadly you may lose a friend over this. He is obviously sidding with his 2 minute jealous girlfriend over a long term friend.

OP responded:

She's 51, so the oldest. I don't know her at all, never met her so can't say whether she's cheap or broke.

User2:

Who is this guy to you? How did you meet him, how long have you known him? I cannot fathom someone expecting this from someone else. It sounds like an oblivious, self centered sibling taking advantage of a family bond- type of entitlement. This can't have been the first time he has done something this inconsiderate.

OP responded:

I'd known him for 5 years, as a friend. Yes I've had some issues with him for lack of empathy regarding others and some general selfishness- he was a mid 40s guy that basically never had a long term girlfriend, I just sort of went with the "too used to doing his own thing" to pay much attention to it.

We have travelled together before together and in larger groups. I have issues in the past with his lack of planning, leaving alot up to me, but his entire personality seemed to change overnight when he started seeing this new GF.

Nothing was good enough, before he'd at least discuss things - talk options, this time was like hitting a brick wall. His way or no way - decided this was what was going to happen without talking to me, and then got angry when I wanted to discuss it first.

Here is the final update from OP:

Hi! I haven't kept in contact with them for obvious reasons, but through some mutual type of friends, I found out the following:

They planned to go but tried to find cheaper accommodation on the island so let the hold expire without making any contact with the accommodation. From my understanding, everything was booked up completely that weekend and for the next 6 months. They lost the option to use the cabin, and someone else immediately booked it when it became free (there's a waitlist).

I received back the full deposit and immediately transferred his portion to him as I stated I would, never got an acknowledgement he received it but it was an account I had paid into previously and my bank assured me it was good.

A mutual friend told me the ex-friend was pissed off, as - against my advice - he had bought non-refundable/non-transferrable plane tickets and refused to buy travel insurance, so he's out the cost of those fares (about $3,200), and that because I pulled out, his holiday with his girlfriend was totally ruined and I owed him an apology and the cost of the fares. Not going to happen.

Myself - I've booked a holiday back at the island where I am in a single apartment by myself 😀 and plan to have an awesome time.