FTM gives birth; creates MAJOR boundaries with MIL's contact with newborn; 'She's already on an information diet.'
When this new parent is upset by their MIL's behavior, they ask the internet:
"Am I wrong for limiting when my MIL can visit my newborn?"
This isn’t my first post about this. I’m a FTM that just had a baby less than a week ago. My mom came down and helped me tremendously through labor which the baby came earlier than expected.
So my mom has had about a two week stay with us. My labor had no complications and everything went smoothly.
I did get some stitches but I’ve been moving around relatively okay with some exceptions of dull pains every now and then. My mom has been staying with us but has been cleaning, taking care of our pets and making me food.
I have a relatively decent relationship with my MIL. She can be a bit overwhelming. I had her on an information diet due to her breaking a lot of boundaries with my pregnancy. Her excuse was that she did not know it was inappropriate due to cultural differences.
I am not very comfortable with my MIL and things have gotten slowly worse after delivery. She called my husband crying because she couldn’t be there for the birth saying that she needed to be there for me.
After I gave birth, my husband took post birth photos to which she edited herself to compare my birth photos to hers. It may be cultural since her sister did that to my ultrasound photos with her daughter and my husband too.
I find it uncomfortable though. My husband requested that she doesn’t post the pictures and she asked if she could at least post that she was now a grandma.
She will be coming a week after my mom leaves for a week. My husband wanted her there for two weeks but I told her one week.
I never agreed to two weeks with him. He left it off by saying it wasn’t fair that my mom was coming for two weeks so I told him I’ll think about it and that it depends on how it goes. She messaged my husband asking if her visiting for five days was okay with him.
My husband told her two weeks was fine to which I completely lost my shit. I never really yelled at my husband until then and felt horrible for yelling with LO in my arms. I was pissed because my husband told me that he already told her two weeks. Basically that it was too late.
I called her saying that I told her a week because I wasn’t sure how I would feel and didn’t appreciate her messaging my husband about it but not me. She said that she was just asking if five days was okay.
I do feel bad for not letting her stay for two weeks but she originally was trying to stay for a month and a half with extended family tagging along with her. Without asking.
I found out because I brought up having to get a TDAP vaccine and she got passive aggressive and asked if everyone in her family had to get one since they would come as well. I feel like one week of living with us that’s two weeks postpartum is a lot to ask for.
I do feel like I overreacted though and went about it in an extremely aggressive manner. I feel like things have not gotten better between us. I did send her some pictures of the baby to kind of try to make her not feel left out.
She thanked me but in a way that made it seem like my child belonged to her saying that she was her gift and thanked me for taking care of myself to give her my child.
I don’t know how to go about this without upsetting my husband but at this point, I don’t want her around at all. My mom says that’s I’m being cruel about it and LO should have a relationship with her. But I don’t understand how people breaking boundaries is anywhere remotely healthy for LO.
Let's see what readers had to say about this:
criema writes:
Not wrong, not overreacting. As a FTM I can tell you're uncertain on this boundary. Your mom was there to take care of HER baby while you take care of your baby. The bond/relationship is so, so different. Plus as a mom she knows how to actually help you.
I haven't seen your exact words but it doesn't sound like an overreaction. Unless you insulted her or called her names, probably not an overreaction. It sounds like what might help is a week between visits where it's just you, your partner, and LO.
I think right now the focus should be on you and LO healing up and getting healthy. Not on her baby rabies. But she's going to go hard on your partner, that makes it difficult.
Boundaries are rarely cruel, don't let people gaslight you into thinking they are just because this is your first time.
folio7 writes:
What is it with husbands thinking their mother gets the same length of stay post partum? Do they want their in-laws invading their home after they get a vasectomy or colonoscopy?
And even in the room with them when they get it?!? It’s an entirely different thing to have your own mother help you during such a stressful time, when you aren’t up to making yourself presentable and hosting guests than to have your in-laws there.
I know some cultures do those extended stays, especially if the trip is very far. But why does their culture outweigh yours? “In my culture, people ASK before making plans. And they are willing to stay in a hotel.”
My parents thought they could stay in my bed when I moved into a one bedroom apartment 2000 miles away. I told them I paid for that bed and I paid for the apartment, so I will be sleeping in it. They stayed in a hotel. I also told them a 4 day visit is my limit.
creatlo writes:
Your mother was there straight away because she is *your* mother and *you* are the one that needed some personal and possible intimate help that *his* mother has no business being around.
She was there to look after you, whilst you looked after LO. MIL is not there for that reason and you do not want her help on the same level as you want your own mother present. MIL is primarily there to see LO, make it about herself and you can bet she won't be helping with chores, cooking, cleaning etc.
She certainly has no right to be inviting anyone else around - there will be plenty of time to get to know LO and your husband needs to appreciate there is a big difference between having your mother looking after her daughter and his mother just visiting to see LO. Anything you are not comfortable with in your OWN HOME is non-negotiable.
grace5 writes:
DH needs to understand that anybody coming to stay with you in these early days is not about the person who's visiting. It needs to be 100% about you and baby. Whether it's "fair" that your mom stayed 2 weeks and hius mom only gets one is irrelevant.
Once you're healed and settled and have parenthood and all that figured out, then and only then does the idea of "fairness" even become something to consider (and honestly, it's perfecty OK to say screw fairness, because life isn't fair anyway).
If you only feel comfortable with her being there for 2 days, then that's how long she should stay.
If you're OK with her being around for a week but need her to stay in a hotel so she's not on top of you all the time, that's fine to. Right now everything should be about supporting you as a new mother, and anything else is secondary to that.
miriandre writes:
Fair is not equal in this scenario. Your mother came to take care of you, to prioritize you, so of course she gets extra time as she just watched her baby go through a major medical procedure that requires 18 months of recovery, the first 3 being the hardest.
His mom is not, she’s coming to play with the baby. I bet dollars to donuts they will be aghast if you expect them to help or take the baby back because the baby needs you.
And the baby NEEDS you. It does not need anyone else, it does not want anyone else, just you. It is biologically wired to want and need you at this stage and you to respond.
So your baby’s needs come first in this scenario, then your needs, then your husband’s needs, then everyone else’s wants. Your husband is putting being his version of good son before being a good father and husband.
I wouldn’t worry about trying to be a “good wife” while he’s not worrying about being a good husband and father. You need to stand up for yourself and your baby.
I would set ground rules before she comes and he has to enforce them or she has to leave. Things like she has to have the TDAP shot, washes her hands before touching the baby, always give it back to you when asked or fussy.
There’s no bonding with a newborn, it doesn’t care that she visited, the baby only cares about you right now. It will take a few months of consistent caregiving to even care about dad.