Wife fed up with husband funding every life expense for late girlfriend’s sister. AITA?
"AITA for telling my husband to stop spending so much money on his dead girlfriend’s younger sister?"
MerakiMist
I (28F) have been with my husband (34M) for almost a decade. We have three children (6F, 3M, 2F) together, and we are currently expecting our fourth child. He is an amazing father to our kids and I couldn't ask for a better husband.
He also has a very close friendship with his late girlfriend's younger sister “Clara” (20F). 17 years ago, my husband's girlfriend, who was also his childhood best friend, passed away at only 15 years old, in an accident that my husband survived.
My husband has known Clara since she was a baby and he treats her like his own little sister. Her family had a lot of financial problems, while my husband has a very high earning career.
He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use. Clara's home life was very dysfunctional, especially after her mom went to prison, and she views my husband as a kind of father figure.
He always attended her dance recitals, school plays, and sports events. He brings her along to our family vacations. She visits our place at least once a week, often staying overnight, and our guest bedroom has pretty much become her bedroom now.
He's spend a lot of money on her. Any gift she wanted, he would buy for her no matter how much it cost, like electronics, jewelry and designer clothes. He bought her a car for her 16th birthday, even when she hadn’t gotten her license yet.
He paid for her to have custom made dresses for both of her proms. He was extremely supportive of Clara during her pregnancy, paying for her daughters (3F) expenses and helping Clara look after her. He paid for all her college tuition, school supplies, as well as her living costs.
Recently, Clara got engaged, and my husband told me he wanted to help pay for the wedding and buy her her own house as a wedding present. I said this was getting out of hand.
I understand that he feels guilty over surviving the accident that killed his girlfriend, but we've got a lot of expenses coming up with the new baby. He says he sees Clara as part of our family and he can afford to take care of her as well as our kids.
I said that it was sweet how much he cared about her, but he shouldn't be prioritizing Clara's needs over his actual family. He says that he's not taking care of her out of obligation or guilt, but because he's developed a genuine bond with her, and there's no reason he shouldn't use his own wealth to help her out. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Famous_Specialist_44
I guess if you all have stacks of cash and there is money gathering dust and your kids are set for life and it's his money then he can do whatever he likes because it doesn't financially negatively impact you.
If however the money he spends is needed and you and your kids miss out because of his generosity then he shouldn't be gifting it. I can't judge because I don't know how wealthy you are.
lovetotravelanytime
OP, Part of being a parent is teaching a child how to stand independently and to save for her goals. Your husband needs to take a big step back. Maybe CONRIBUTE towards her wedding with a cash gift and provide a down payment on a house but she will never learn how to manage her money if he keeps giving her massive hand outs.
Truly. The kindest thing he could do now is to stop fully financing her life and to begin working with her, teaching her how to manage money properly. THAT is what will give her the single best shot at a bright future (beyond starting life without student loans).
Buying her a house will rob her of the joy of being a self sufficient adult. A down payment as a gift is one thing but he absolutely can not co-sign her loan or pay for the house outright without robbing her of becoming a fully independent adult.
YeiCortez01
"He says he felt guilty letting her struggle while he has all this money he doesn’t use."
After he funds his retirement savings, your retirement saving.
After he pays for your kids' college funds, your emergency cash fund, pays off the mortgage, pays off any and all car and student loans, pays off any credit card debt, then I guess he can contribute to Clara.
But this charity needs to be cut off once she is married as she will be partners with her own husband. And he should not be supporting her child for another 20 years; in other words, do not let that get started. NTA.
Reasonable-Sale8611
How much extra wealth are we talking about here? If his paying for Clara's wedding means that you won't, as a family, be able to save for your own children to go to college, or for their future weddings, or for your own retirement, then you probably need to start putting in some boundaries.
And, unless he comes from more or less unlimited wealth, then his spending on Clara is probably affecting what you as a couple save for your children. I would not be ok with that, personally.
Friendly_Drummer4616
NTA. You need to put an end to this nonsense. FOUR kids and a wife he thinks it’s appropriate to buy her a house. Your married. He doesn’t get to make financial decisions by himself. He’s out of touch with reality.
I would also require he starts to put distance between himself and her. She is not his family. Sounds like he’s doing this out of guilt and it’s not fair to his wife and kids. He needs to seek counseling.