Engagement broken after fiancé's money grab for 'nonexistent' daughter. AITA? UPDATED
"Future ex-fiancé is angry because I don't want to share my son's money."
I (f, 35), met my fiancé 2 years ago. My son (4) gets on well with him and my ex-husband (my son's father) also likes him. Now to the point: 3 years ago I won a large sum of money in the lottery.
Not millions, but enough for a nice life if I work normally and a good start for my son later. 75% went into a savings account that my son will have access to when he's 21. My fiancé always thought he had plenty of money and never let me correct him.
I insisted on a prenuptial agreement and for that the finances were disclosed. Now the amount in my son's savings account is about 5 times more than anything my fiancé has. Completely enraged, he left the lawyer's office and ignored all calls for 2 days.
For me, that was the end of the relationship and I wrote to him saying that he could have the ring back. A week later, he was at the door. He would love me, but was in shock and now wanted details of where the money had come from.
He also told me that he had a 5-year-old daughter from a previous relationship and that it would only be fair to split the money so that his daughter could also benefit from it. He sees it as justified, as I got the money through luck and not through performance. I gave him back the engagement ring and kicked him out of my apartment.
Since then, I've been getting messages from various social media profiles and cell phone numbers that I would be the AH who is ruining his daughter's future. I only found out about his daughter that day. I never saw any photos or anything like that in the past years.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
What? Your ex fiancé suddenly has a 5 yr old daughter? Whom you never met let alone you never knew.
This alone is a reason to break up.
NTA. You dodged a nuke. Go treat you and your son to a fun day. The level of entitlement is stunning. Just remember..... not your child. Not his money. .... the trash took it self out.
You knew this guy for two years, got engaged and didn't know he had a daughter? And he's upset that you didn't mention your son's money?
Amazing_Box_3511 (OP)
Well i tried to Tell him about my finances. He never wanted to know. He always has been kind of: "yeah I'm the man, you don't have to worry."
Two months later, the OP returned with an update.
After receiving many of your tips, I took my son to his grandparents, informed the authorities and also my boss. Unfortunately, the police can't do much in my country as long as he doesn't commit a crime against me.
Harassing me on the phone and begging for money doesn't count as a crime. I informed my boss mainly because my ex-fiancé works for a company that we deal with almost daily. That's how we originally met.
In recent weeks, there have been many attempts by his friends and family to contact me, all of whom wanted to convince me to give him the money. But everyone hung up when I asked about his daughter.
When my ex-fiancé showed up at my work (he didn't normally have to do that after getting a promotion), my boss called my fiancé's company and explained that if he took one more step in my direction, all contracts would be canceled due to their unacceptable behavior.
This led to a meeting with my ex-fiancé's boss, my boss, and me. I didn't tell them every detail, but when it came to the money, his boss explained to me that my fiancé actually wanted to buy a large stake in the company and was allegedly just waiting for the loan to be paid out.
This made it clear why he wanted my son's money so badly. My ex-fiancé is actually a highly respected employee at his company, which is why his boss was reluctant to fire him. Especially since this probably wouldn't have improved my situation, and similar to the police, his boss considered it bad behavior, but it wasn't a criminal offense.
At the same time, my company is a very large client for them, and sweeping the whole thing under the rug wouldn't help. After a few days, I received the news that my ex-fiancé was being transferred to another branch of the company, several thousand kilometers away from me.
The company's purchasing department also clearly rejected the purchase. Afterwards, I found out via social media that my ex-fiancé actually has a daughter! A friend was still following him on Instagram to keep an eye on him, and when she looked at his tags from the last six years, she actually noticed his ex, and a look at her profile showed a girl of the specified age.
I contacted her and she willingly explained to me how much he actually wanted a child and how, when the ultrasound showed it was a girl, he left her. He broke off contact with the mother during the pregnancy and willingly gave up all his rights and obligations as a father. She herself is now in a happy relationship and her husband loves her daughter. She never asked my ex-fiancé for money!
Following your advice regarding the savings account, I contacted our financial advisor and can now say that I must apologize to you. It is indeed a trust fund, I just hadn't referred to it as such until then, as it is mainly referred to as a savings account in my country. But yes, it is a trust fund in the American sense.
I discussed with my ex-husband (the father of my son) once again how we would make the payout and, thanks to your tips, we have now decided on a staggered payout from ages 21 to 35 so that he has a contribution for several stages of his life.
The amount at age 21 has been chosen so that it can be used for college, but at the same time, it won't hurt too much if he squanders it. My question about AITAH was mainly because there were actually many people in my circle who called me that because I persuaded my ex-fiancé to sign a prenuptial agreement.
But for me, a prenuptial agreement was important for several reasons: To secure my son's money (now I know he wouldn't have been able to get his hands on it). I started a small business in addition to my main job (nothing big at the moment, but it's still mine)
I'm saving money so that I can eventually realize my dream of owning a house in Australia, and I didn't want to lose that money to him in a divorce. In retrospect, I can see how many red flags I overlooked on his part, and I will definitely be more careful in the future.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Protecting your son’s future doesn’t make you the villain, it makes you the only one in his corner while everyone else tried to cash in.
Girl dodged a whole financial horror movie. Glad u trusted your gut and didn’t let the guilt get to you fr.
More than you ex fiance 🚩 the people call you on his behalf are 🚩🚩 . Block all of them. You both are adults & nothing wrong in asking for prenup.
Um as a fellow Australian, I’m not sure what lazy police officer told you harassing calls don’t equal a criminal complaint.. but they are wrong. You can absolutely lodge a formal complaint against him if you have a record of all the call logs. And while it may not lead to charges, and court, the police can make a visit and tell them to stop. You can also inform your phone company about it if it continues.
Good on you OP! You're being a great mother. Have you looked at the Australian housing market? It's brutal, and keeps growing. You might want to consider buying ASAP before it gets out of your reach.
Amazing_Box_3511 (OP)
The plan is to save for another 15 years or so. I can't just now emigrate to Australia because of my son. He loves his father, who is very present in his life, and I don't want to drive a wedge between them. But I don't want to give up my son either, so we'll wait until it's clear where the future will take him.
NTA and congratulations on breaking up! Thanks to your ex-fiancé he showed his true character before you get married. How much of a horror it would have been if he kept quiet!