Future mother-in-law publicly announces engagement before the bride, 'within FOUR HOURS.' AITA?

"Fiancé’s mother posted/announced engagement publicly before we did..."

I got engaged recently (hurray!) and it was the most amazing day ever. My fiancé is M20s and I’m F20s. We called each set of parents to let them know, and within 4 hours my MIL to be posted about our engagement with a couple pics from our cell phones, saying she was to be a mother in law.

This was distressing to my fiancé and I as we were calling friends and family to tell them AND waiting for some professional pictures from our photographer before announcing publicly. We were also under the impression this was proper etiquette / social understanding to not announce big things (engagement, wedding, babies, etc) ahead of the couple.

My fiancé decided to call his mother and express his discontentment with it and it was an emotional conversation and she removed the post. She did get quite defensive and wasn’t quite willing to listen to his feelings about it, saying things like “I didn’t know” “I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry” etc. After that phone call, they seemed to just need cool down time.

Well, we got the photos from the photographer the next day or so and decided to share (since we’d finally made all our rounds) and she shared the post starting with “if they’ll forgive me, I’m excited…” which felt odd to us.

My family and our mutual friends thought it was odd and kind of self centered to share our engagement announcement like that. My fiancé called his mother and once again expressed discontent with that and that we didn’t want conflict around our engagement, as we believed that people would ask about that line.

Things got heated between them and she got defensive saying things to the effect of “tell me what to do, don’t tell me what you dislike” and “I just won’t share anything about you guys anymore” etc. His father stepped in and essentially said she didn’t mean harm and that my fiancé should apologize for upsetting his mother.

My fiancé explained that he didn’t feel like he was wrong and that he did not overreact as they claimed. An overall very heated conversation with pressure from his father to apologize and mend things as his mother was down about the conversations they’d had.

My family and our mutual friends all lean towards that this isn’t something he should apologize for, as he wasn’t mean and was trying to stick up for us, but we wanted outside opinions. Are we the AH by being hurt about this and/or not apologizing?

EDIT:

A lot of people are asking if we explicitly said to them not to share. We did not because we were under the impression that this was proper etiquette to not share ahead of the couple, and they hadn’t done much in the past to insinuate this might happen. We will be mindful of information shared with them in the future.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

ImpossibleReason2204 said:

“I didn’t know” and “I can’t say anything other than I’m sorry” do not sound defensive, and do not sound like she was not listening. These things sound apologetic. After that things go to hell.

This could easily have been prevented. By any one of you. She could have asked if it was okay to tell people, you could have let her know to hold off until you had made an official announcement. ESH, nobody behaved well here.

Financial-Break-3696 said:

NTA - but be prepared for a lifetime of this behavior from your mil. Don’t share anything with her until you are ready to announce publicly. As long as you and your fiancé are on the same page you’ll be fine.

becoming_maxine said:

NAH. Most of us don't assume our family are psychics. This is an age where everything gets shared on social media as soon as people are aware of it. When you chose a wedding date, when you are expecting that first child, if you do or don't want baby pics posted online...

Tell them you what you do and don't want shared. Especially with wedding and baby pictures. If you need to also show them how to secure their Facebook and make it so their posts can't be shared.

Worth-Season3645 said:

ESH….As to your original question, no. You are not wrong. No one should make public announcements until the people in question have done so. And your MIL was wrong for posting before you and her son had done so. I always ask my children if I can post before doing so.

But, from what I am getting from your future MIL’s conversation, (as you describe it), it sounds like she truly did not know this and she apologized and she removed the post. It sounds like she did listen to her son.

Where I think you were wrong, when she posted the actual engagement photos after you posted, I see nothing wrong with her statement…(if they’ll forgive me, I’m excited..how is that odd or self centered? And so people ask about it? She admits to being wrong, asking for your forgiveness and is excited to be your MIL. (Although, I think that could be changing). Even with her first post, she states she is excited about being a MIL.

What was the relationship like before? Is the MIL meddlesome? Does she often cross boundaries? Does not listen to what her son has to say? Has behaved unkindly towards you? If the answer is no, then yes, I think you both over reacted to the second post.
And how you go from here will determine your future relationship with your in laws.

HiddenWallflower13 said:

NTA. Why are there so many NAH and YTA? The MIL sends to lean toward narcissistic tendencies. She didn’t post she was excited her son was getting married, it’s she’s becoming a MIL- that’s sooooo weird and I’ve literally never heard anyone posting an announcement like that.

When she was called out, she was whiny and overreacted with her follow up post. Like the MIL is a grown woman, and she’s acting like a high schooler. It’s common courtesy to not share news that isn’t yours to tell.

I’m glad you have a partner that stands up to his mother! Congratulations on your engagement! I hope the planning process goes smoothly and you don’t have interference from your future MIL.

Overall-Hour-5809 said:

NTA. But I can see how she got excited and shared too early. It sounds like she didn’t mean any harm. I’d say don’t share anything with her until you’re ok with her passing it along. Otherwise everybody needs to take a breath and calm down. This should be a joyful time! Congratulations!

Brilliant_Ad2521 said:

YTA: you sound exhausting and childish.