'AITA for gatekeeping my late aunt’s Kugel recipe?' 'I had searched endlessly for it.'

"AITA for gatekeeping my late aunt’s Kugel recipe?"

This may sound silly, but I’m in a little family squabble over kugel (a Jewish noodle casserole). Just last week my aunt passed away. I was home alone with our elderly dog while my husband and kids were away visiting my in-laws. That’s when I found out. So, I was unable to attend the funeral.

Less than a month ago, I had found my old recipe book that had gone missing 8 years prior during a move. I had searched endlessly for it because it had held my aunt’s coveted Kugel recipe. Over the years, I tried getting the recipe again from her and other family members, but none of them tasted the same.

When I found my book and read the recipe, I realized that the reason none of them were the same was because I had written it in her kitchen as we made it together. I wrote down everything she said, including her funny "measurements" like “1 cup, or 2...maybe ¼ box” It wasn’t just a recipe, it was a memory.

So, when she passed, I shared the story on Facebook. My cousin, her son, asked for the recipe. Of course, I sent it to him. But, then he asked me to post it on my Facebook. He even went as far as saying that if I didn’t do it, he would. I told him it felt odd and asked why. He said it would be nice so that anyone could make it.

I usually don’t like gatekeeping, but this feels different. This recipe took me years to recover. Even her own kids didn’t have it. It just feels like something that should stay in the family. So, AITA for not wanting to post it online for everyone?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

conbird said:

I would suggest looking up “ring theory”. It basically posits that in a crisis, including the death of a loved one, there are rings surrounding the center of the grief. People in the different rings should “comfort in, dump out." So, for example, if a close friend dies, you should comfort their spouse/children, and seek comfort from others who were less close to the friend than you were.

In most (though not all) cases, a son is going to be closer to someone than a niece. The comfort he is seeking is the ability to share something of his mother’s that means something to him - whether or not you think it should mean something to him - without creating drama/strife with you, his cousin.

To withhold that comfort from her son, in order to bring yourself comfort, strikes me as cruel. Also, assuming your aunt was a loving mother, I would think she wouldn’t want you to stand in the way of her son doing whatever small actions he thinks will help him cope with her passing.

YTA. Unintentionally, but I would never forgive a family member if they tried to put their fairly minor needs above my own while I was coping with the death of a parent. This sort of thing is relationship destroying.

Evening-Cry-8233 said:

YTA. I don’t understand gatekeeping recipes. Wouldn’t your aunt want it shared so many people can enjoy it? And even more, YTA because her SON, her next of kin, asked you to do it.

Dunesgirl said:

Gentle YTA as a Jew who cooks traditional food for the holidays. Anyone who is going to take the time and trouble to make kugel from scratch will be delighted to have this recipe. I don’t want to open a minefield here, but in these times, keeping traditions alive seems especially important and poignant.

Why not let your kugel recipe bee enjoys by others? I still have similar handwritten recipes tucked into books by relatives who have passed and I’d share with anyone who asks. It’s kugel, not a secret sauce. Or the Coca-Cola formula!

Splash416 said:

Family recipe gatekeepers are always YTAs.

kalequinoa said:

I’ve never understood being so precious about family recipes. If it’s good, share it. I’ve shared countless of my great grandmothers’ recipes with friends who’ve asked, and oddly, they still taste just as good when I make them now as they did before I shared them. YTA.

r3aldud3 said:

YTA. It's not even your recipe. Her own son wants to share it with the world and if anything it's his decision to make.