"AITAH for 'gatekeeping' my wedding date from my family?"
My fiancé (M28) and I (F28) got engaged in May. He completely surprised me while we were on a trip visiting my sister. (Side note: he planned the most amazing proposal, it was in a semi-private nature area, he pulled out all the stops, photographer, champagne, a whole speech, i was sobbing, it was great.
My fiancé is a “go with the flow guy” and he spent 5 months planning it with my sisters. so ladies- remember if he wanted to he would). So while he was in the middle of proposing, my sister took a photo and sent it to my mother. She had accidentally found out about the proposal when my sister and her boyfriend were visiting her.
My mom was apparently pissed that she couldn’t come up to be there for the proposal, but my fiancé and sisters all knew that i would not want a bunch of family there after (I get overwhelmed when there’s too many people around especially with big moments like this).
So my sister sent her a photo while it was happening to make her feel included. My mom then sends out the photo to a handful of family members. So by the time i get back my phone after the mini photo shoot with the photographer, i have so many texts from family. And i ask my sister how everyone already knew.
She said she sent the photo to our mother but realized she should have waited and immediately felt so bad and started apologizing for doing that. She literally spent the whole weekend apologizing and she still feels bad about it. And she didn’t think my mom would send it out.
My sister and I had talked generally in April about if my fiancé got engaged (looking back it makes sense why she brought it up) and i said i wanted to call each family member individually and tell them myself like our older cousin did for us. I also had mentioned this to my mom. So my mom took that opportunity away from me and i will never have the chance to do that ever again.
Now fast forward to now. My fiancé and i found a venue we love and will be getting married a year from this October. Since the wedding is over a year and a half away, we’ve decided to keep the date to ourselves for now and tell our immediate family at thanksgiving.
Since my mother has been so “excited” and asks nothing but questions about the wedding and when it’s going to happen, we decided to tell her that we have booked a venue but we are keeping the date to ourselves until thanksgiving.
While recently talking to my mom on the phone, she started down her rant of “you should really think about others and their schedules and tell your family the date now instead of gatekeeping the date.” And “why does it matter if you just tell me now or in November?” And i finally said because I don’t trust that you will keep the date to yourself and not share it with any other family members.
So then we began to rehash how she shared the news of my engagement without checking with me first or respect my wishes. She doesn’t think she did anything wrong and that she has a right to share information with family. And i said that’s exactly why we’re keeping the date to ourselves. And we go round and round. Basically we get no where and I hang up on her. Then come the texts:
Mother: "I can see you are really hurting about this. I love you and I am sorry you are in pain. I am excited about your engagement and I did share it with my family. Who also love you. I understand you wish I had handled it differently. What matters most to me is that you are happy. When you are ready to talk, I am here."
Me: "It wasn’t your news to share regardless if it was sent to people that love me. It makes me sad that you can’t see how your actions hurt me and that you can’t apologize for your actions."
Mother: "I do see that you're hurt, and I've acknowledged that. I shared exciting family news with family - that's normal and loving behavior from a mom. I won't apologize for being excited about your engagement, nor will I apologize for not knowing your expectations. I love you, and when you're ready to move forward without me accepting blame for normal actions, I'm here."
Me: "I understand that you were excited, but that excitement doesn't excuse sharing something that wasn't yours to share. It was a deeply personal moment for me, and I deserved the chance to tell people on my own terms.
I'm not asking you to stop being excited — I'm asking you to understand that your actions had an impact, even if they were well-intentioned. Moving forward means taking responsibility, not pretending this is just a misunderstanding."
Mother: "I understand you wanted to control how this news was shared. I was excited and shared it with people who love you, my two brothers. These are two different perspectives, and I don't need to accept blame for mine. I love you, but I won't apologize for being excited about your engagement. Let's focus on celebrating your future instead of relitigating this."
Me: "I hear that you're not willing to take responsibility, and while that's your choice, I need some space to process. I'm not ready to move forward until I feel respected and heard."
Mother: "I understand you need space. I love you and I'm respecting your need for space. When you're ready to reconnect, I'll be here. I won't be reaching out during this time because I want to honor what you've asked for. Take care of yourself, and know that I love you."
I have not texted her since. My sister says i should not talk to her until she apologizes, but i don’t think she’s ever going to. We’re supposed to go dress shopping in November, but if im being honest, im not sure if i want her to go because im worried she would take photos without my permission and send them to family.
I'm not sure i even want to tell her the wedding date at thanksgiving anymore. Am i in the wrong if i don’t tell her any wedding details? Is this normal behavior? I know she’s “excited” but im really tired of hearing that she’s just “excited” after she does something i asked her not to do.
What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:
effable37 said:
I had this happen when I graduated from my masters program. My mom told my whole family before I got the chance to. Here’s how I handled it. Mom — “I don’t know why you’re upset; I just told my sisters.”
Me — “No, you told my aunts.” To her credit, she got it when I put it that way. Sometimes I have to remind her that I am a character too! It’s not just her story.
FlightIllustrious544 said:
I feel like you have an opportunity to explain how her views/approaches will influence what info you will share moving forward. “If you cannot accept responsibility for sharing my personal news that was not yours to share and recognize it was inappropriate and unwelcome, I will no longer share the news with you first. Starting with the date of my wedding, if I am pregnant, if it will be a boy/girl, etc etc etc.
You have shown me you do not respect me or follow the boundaries that I have set so moving forward, I will take that into account with the information that I share with you. Thank you for letting me know your views/stance so that I can adjust my response accordingly.”
FynelleBite said:
You're not wrong for wanting boundaries… even with family. “Excitement” isn’t a free pass to ignore your wishes, especially with something as personal as your wedding. It’s okay to protect your peace.
pixie-ann said:
Your mother is EXHAUSTING. And utterly self-absorbed and frustratingly incapable of self-reflection. You are going to have to keep her on an info diet forever. You can’t trust her. Pregnancy news? Tell her last. Baby gender info? She can find out when everyone else does.
I wouldn’t take her wedding dress shopping. You simply cannot trust her. I lost count of the number of times she said “I love you” in that text exchange. She needs to say it a bit less and live it a bit more by actually respecting you and your decisions and right to privacy.
OrangeFish44 said:
Don't tell Mom your wedding date until you're ready to send out save-the-date announcements. She can wait to find out along with everyone else, since she can't seem to control herself or acknowledge that she was at fault for "sharing."
FallingButterflies said:
NTA! Your mom has already been proven that she is unwilling to let you share your news. I highly recommend you continue to put your mom on an info diet. Your mom’s lack of accountability makes it clear that she will continue to disregard your wishes with no remorse. You deserve respect and special moments! It is okay to choose yourself!
She then shared answers to some of the common questions in the comments:
Thank you all for the supportive comments. This really helps me put things into perspective. I wanted to answer a few questions:
Are you the first of your sisters to get married? Yes, I am the first one in our family to get married. I am the oldest of 4 (2 sisters, and 1 brother who’s the youngest).
Am i close with my mom? Kinda?. My siblings always joke that I’m her least favorite child because she’s always treated me so differently. My siblings often mention how she never helped me with anything growing up and if i wanted something i had to figure out how to do it on my own. I am also incredibly independent and just naturally figure it out on my own.
We’ve grown apart this past year after my fiancé and I moved in together. We moved into together before we got engaged. She also has been very vocal about the fact that my fiancé and i live together before getting married.
She sent me a physical card that basically said “even though you are living in sin, God still loves you, and i still love you.” And basically just always bring up how I “live in sin” 24/7 by living with him before marriage.
Why did my sister send her the photo? Or “it’s your sisters fault” No, it’s not my sister’s fault. My mom was not even supposed to know about the proposal, but my sister’s boyfriend accidentally spilled the beans to her the first time he met my mom. He didn’t know that my mom was not supposed to know. My mom was pissed that both of my sisters told her that she could not come for the proposal.
She apparently kept trying to book a flight to come and they had to be like if you come, we will give you no details and unshare our locations. So the day of, my mother blew up my sister’s phone texting every 5 mins asking if it happened yet. My mom even insinuated that she was going to text me if she did not get an update soon.
My sister started sending her photos of me throughout the day (being like she has no clue what is about to happen) to keep her happy. So when it was happening and my mom wasn’t receiving photos, she starts blowing up my sister’s phone again. So my sister was just trying to keep my mom from bombarding her.
Honestly, i would have done the same thing if i was in her shoes. My mom is really good at pushing until she gets what she wants. Now we know not to do that again.
Why did i tell her we booked the venue? We didn’t tell her we booked a venue for about a month. However, i am a horrible liar and i feel incredibly guilty, even if it’s a white lie. She kept asking about how all the venue tours were going because I had sent her the list of venues we toured (looking back that was a mistake). So after every tour she would ask how it went and if we booked it.
We ended up canceling the last three tours we had scheduled and apparently she was checking my location to see when we left the tour so she could call and saw we didn’t go to the tour we scheduled. So she texted me saying “how did the tour go?” And that’s when i realized she was probably checking my location for the tours. i told her we canceled it because i wasn’t feeling well.
She kept asking if we scheduled any more tours or if we were going to book one we already toured and i just kept saying “im not sure, we’re taking a break from touring because we’re exhausted.” I hate lying even if it’s small so it just kept eating away at me.
So when she called me again, i just couldn’t lie anymore and just told her we booked it but are not announcing the date to anyone. I know it would probably be easier to just tell her we hadn’t booked anything yet, but i just couldn’t do it.