'How can I get my boyfriend of two years to stop digging his tunnel?' + UPDATE AND TUNNEL PIC
"How can I get my boyfriend of two years to stop digging his tunnel?"
So, I know this is a weird question, but my boyfriend likes to spend a lot of his free time digging a tunnel on some property that he inherited. I haven't seen the full extent of it, but last I saw it was remarkably deep under the surface. He's spent roughly a year on it, and it's evident.
The front of the thing is deep, wide, well put together. At the front, which is the only part that I've seen, he's got cement beams, electric lights, even chairs and a small table. I haven't gone into it, but it looked like the quality severely dropped as the tunnel went further, mostly becoming open dirt with some wood beams holding it up.
My biggest concern is his safety, I'm really worried that he's going to dig too deep and it'll collapse on him or something. I've tried voicing this concern to him, but he just laughs it off and assures me that he'll be fine.
Aside from safety concerns, there's also the fact that he doesn't really have a social life, because of this thing. I'm pretty much the only person he still talks to outside of his job, and he doesn't go out and do anything anymore. It used to be that he'd occasionally head out and do some digging on the weekends, but now he spends almost all of his free time out there.
He still comes home, but he barely spends any time with me, and I know that he isn't doing anything but digging that damn hole in the ground. This can't be good for his mental health, but I don't know how to convince him to stop.
He's always really happy when he comes back from digging, which is why I haven't seriously tried to stop him before, but I was talking to a friend about him, and she told me he might be going crazy. Obviously I don't think he's insane, but I hadn't considered the mental health aspect of this, and I just don't know what to do.
Tunnel Picture
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s initial post:
Why is he digging the tunnel? Is this like a survivalist thing like a bunker? I feel like why he’s building the tunnel will be important when considering how you might approach him taking a break from it or chilling out a bit with it.
pecialist-Ad4561 (OP)
I think he's just doing it to have fun. As far as I know, there isn't a real goal in mind, he just likes the process of digging.
At first I was going to say, this is just his weird hobby and you might have to put up with it. But if digging this tunnel is starting to interfere with the rest of his life, that's a bad sign.
You said it used to be a weekend thing and now it's all the time. When did that change? Did something happen around that time that might have triggered something in him? Also, is there anyone in his life aside from you he might listen to?
Sit him down and tell him, "I want you to really listen to me. I'm worried about how much time you're spending on the tunnel. It's affecting the rest of your life (give specific times or ways in which it's done so). Is everything okay?" Prepare for all possible outcomes to the convo.
Well.. I dated someone who was a recovering meth addict and the number one thing he liked to do when he was high was dig his tunnel.
My husband keeps talking about buying land to dig some tunnel under it too for no good reason. Reading your post makes me think I should suggest therapy before he does. I shared your post with him and he said “oh where does he live? Sounds like he needs help with his tunnel.’
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Alright, so I’ve spoken with my boyfriend, and after a good long chat, I can successfully say: Mission Accomplished! I sat him down when he came home Thursday night and seriously voiced my concerns, both about his safety and about our relationship.
He hadn’t realized how big of an effect this had been having on me in regards to our relationship, and he immediately said that he was going to cut the time he spent out there in half. He said that we could spend the entire weekend together, and we pretty much did.
Friday night was spent at home, and we went out for a nice dinner Saturday night after spending the day together. We were going to have a nice, lazy Sunday together, but I could tell that he was getting kind of antsy and almost nervous after church today, so I told him that he could go ahead and go to his tunnel early if he wanted to.
I won’t lie, I was kind of hoping that he would stay at home, but he decided to go back out, which is alright by me. I also talked to him about my concerns regarding gasses that y’all made me realize I should be conscious of, and he said that he’d work to get some sort of ventilation system installed ASAP, and that he’d even dig with his dad’s old gas mask if it’d make me feel better.
The only thing that I didn’t bring up was us maybe going to therapy about it, mainly because he said that he’d cut back and I didn’t want to push the issue too far. I think that he could maybe benefit from it, but he’s of the opinion that you only go to therapy if there’s something wrong with you, and I don’t want him to think that I’m saying that there’s something wrong with him.
So, all in all, maybe I should have brought that up, but I’m definitely happy with how things turned out, so thanks everybody that gave some advice. Also, a lot of people were asking why he tunnels, and while I’d asked him before, I asked again, and this was his answer: “It’s just pleasant. When I’m down there, I feel safe and calm, and I’m always happier when I leave than when I went in.”
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
Can we... can we see it?
I would ask him to get a consultation with a mining engineer or other expert, have the tunnel inspected and produce a clear safety plan. I once knew someone with a similarly strange habit. In his case, it turned out that he was depressed and passively suicidal for a long time.
He was kind of hoping an accident would happen and kill him. He seemed happier after spending time on his hobby because not dying gave him some sort of hopeful feeling. He stopped all that once he got mental health care.
I wonder if it's like meditation for him? A repetitive, mindless task. But it would also give a feeling of accomplishment as the tunnel grows.
It does not sound like this problem is solved to me but good luck.
Alright, come on now. I know they’ve gotta be able to get a better picture of that tunnel. It was 2022 but they had a 20 year old phone.