'AITA for insisting we go back immediately to get my wife’s wedding ring from her mom’s house?' UPDATED
"AITA for insisting we go back immediately to get my wife’s wedding ring from her mom’s house?"
So yesterday, my wife (let’s call her Ruby, 21F) went to visit her mom like she usually does on weekends. I (22M) work weekends outside the house, but weekdays I’m remote, and her mom works Monday–Friday, so it’s the only time they really get to see each other.
No issue there, Ruby’s currently on maternity leave, and our baby is due next week, so I totally get that she wants to spend time with her mom while she still can. Here’s where things went off.
Ruby came home in a taxi and told me she accidentally left her wedding ring at her mom’s place. She took it off because it was hot and her fingers were swollen — pregnancy stuff. I didn’t get angry or anything, just asked where she left it and said, “Let’s go back and grab it.” I offered to drive us, since I didn’t want to wait.
That’s when it started getting tense. She tried explaining over the phone that her mom would keep it safe and we could pick it up tomorrow. I heard her out, but I wasn’t comfortable with waiting. I was polite, calm, didn’t insult anyone — but I insisted we go get it now. I even said I could go alone after helping her go upstairs, but she didn’t want that either.
By the time she got home, I was already waiting in the car. She got out of the taxi, clearly upset, and pushed me away when I tried to help her with her bag. She gave me the silent treatment while calling her mom to say we were coming back for the ring.
Then she finally asked, “Why are you doing this? Why can't we trust her?” And that’s where I lost my cool a little, not yelling or anything, but I stopped sugarcoating everything.
I told her the truth: No, I don’t trust her mom. She knows why. Her mom once “lost” our engagement ring during a rough patch and it magically showed up months later, this same thing happened with many other sentimental items I gave her and some of them did not ever appear back.
Ruby insists it was just a mistake, but to me, there is not a reason to blindly trust MIL. That wasn’t the only thing either: her mom has insulted me, made comments about my background, came at me me once when I showed up at their place after dark at their doorstep, and has never apologized for any of it.
I listed those things out, not to throw them in her face, but because Ruby kept asking “Why?” I asked her why does her mom gets all this grace for doing things (she just wished me death yesterday just because Ruby was feeling sick while I was picking up her meds) but I can't even state the facts without her getting upset?
She cried. I comforted her, apologized for being harsh, and made it clear that I wasn’t trying to attack her or her mom — I was just being honest. I told her I don’t believe her mom would purposely throw away the ring, but based on history, I wasn’t willing to risk it getting “misplaced” again.
If I ever wanted to test whether things had improved, it wouldn’t be with something as personal as our wedding ring. We went back. Her mom gave me the usual cold stare, but at this point, I don’t care anymore.
Later, Ruby and I talked. She said she understood, and she forgave me, but she still felt hurt about the way it all went down. I didn’t yell, I didn’t insult anyone, I just acted quickly — maybe too quickly — and didn’t give her time to process it.
I agreed and apologize for that part, but I still feel down about all this as well. In my defense I just panicked a bit. I value that ring a lot, and when something feels urgent, I move.
Ruby’s actually thanked me for being that way in past situations, but after seeing my wife still so sad about this I’m wondering if I should’ve just let it go. So yeah... I don’t know. I feel like I did the right thing but maybe in the wrong way. How do I fix this? And AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your MIL is a pain but the problem is your wife is allowing her to continuously disrespect you. You need to have a serious sit down conversation about how she’s mistreated you and what you expect your wife to do about it. It’s not being harsh, it’s setting boundaries and asking her to put your family first (you, her, and new baby).
The situation will only get worse when baby comes because MIL will be around even more and influencing your child. Just one item in the list you shared about how MIL has mistreated you is grounds for NC/LC. Your wife needs to be an adult and stop running to her mommy for every little thing.
champuwu17 (OP)
I've tried to talk to her about this, sadly MIL is the only close family left for her and she's always too defensive about their relationship. Abuse and control are also some factors in their relationship so I don't expect her to heal overnight but all I ask is for some respect and the same grace she gives to MIL about her mess ups.
You have a wife problem.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
Hey everyone, it’s been about three months since the original post (you can find it on my profile) and I figured I owed you all an update. Baby first, because that’s the best part: Our little guy is 3 months old now and thriving. He was a chunky newborn and he’s only getting bigger—he hit 16 lbs and 2'1" right before his 2-month checkup. Healthy, happy, and smiling more every day :)
The MIL situation well, it’s been a ride. Some ups, plenty of downs, but I’ve learned to manage it so I don’t lose my mind, lol. A lot of you suspected she was pawning stuff and, yep, you nailed it! My SIL (18F) recently asked my wife “Ruby” for money to cover payments on their mom’s pawned jewelry.
We ended up lending them about $2k so they could just recover their stuff altogether. It’s been a month—no repayment yet. Somehow they’re always “struggling,” even with low rent (>$1k) and food stamps, but that’s another story.
I’ve tagged along for a few lunches at MIL’s since Ruby has started seeing through more of her mom’s BS and doesn't like being alone there anymore. Funny thing: even though we invite her to our place whenever she wants, she refuses because she “doesn’t feel comfortable.”
I’ve offered to leave the house or stay in our room so they can have privacy, but nope—if it’s not on her terms, it’s nothing. So, lucky for me, visits are way less often, as I'm back at work already and until my wife feels comfortable again, I should be there with them.
The worst part is the verbal stuff. MIL never says it when I’m around, but when she’s mad she yells at Ruby and throws out nasty comments about me or even our baby. She’s said things like, "our son will grow up to hate Ruby" or that "bad things will happen to her because of how she treats MIL."
It’s gross. Ruby’s been doing therapy and we agreed our son doesn’t need to grow up hearing that. She explained the best she could to MIL that visits stop when she acts like that as a baby doesn't need to be hearing all that stuff neither does she.
Her response? “He must be used to it already, I’ve behaved this way since he was in your belly.” So... yeah. I wasn't taken aback, I see MIL by her true colors, but Ruby got very disappointed that day so reality check passed!
After one particularly bad yelling match—just days after we loaned them the $2k—we went low-contact for a couple of weeks. Eventually MIL showed up at our door with some of Ruby’s old stuff she "found" (plushies and such) in what felt like a big victim performance of how much she had to walk — we live 15 min away walking or she could have taken the bus but ok.
No real apology, but Ruby says she kind of half-apologized later, so they’re talking again. As for childcare plans because Ruby’s going back to work soon. MIL had offered free babysitting, but that’s off the table. She’s joked about spanking our son “to correct him” (he wasn’t even 2 months old when she said that!) and suggested giving him water in the summer.
Whether that’s ignorance (Ruby’s take) or something darker (my take), it’s a hard no. We’re hiring a sitter—actually my mom, who does this professionally and we’ll pay her—because our kid deserves patience and love, not someone with random anger blowups.
So for now MIL still sees the baby, but only supervised. Any more screaming and visits stop again. I doubt she’ll ever change—therapy is “for crazy people,” according to her—so we’re just keeping contact as low as Ruby will allow. I’ll save my venting for my therapist.
That’s pretty much it. Thanks to everyone who gave advice last time. My mom (she studied psychology) and a couple friends think MIL might have bipolar or borderline personality disorder, but she’ll never get a diagnosis because she won’t set foot in therapy so whatever. For now, the plan is just: healthy baby, happy home, and minimal MIL. :)
Here’s what people had to say to OP after the update:
I feel bad for Ruby but am glad that she's seeing her mom for what she is! And I'm glad that you two are setting firm boundaries. You are doing a good job protecting your family and I hope you all continue to thrive!
I don't understand why Ruby wants a relationship with her.
Its hard giving up the idea of "what should have been". MIL should have been kind, open-minded, supportive. Not a hateful thief. Ruby should be able to rely on her mom, that's what most people want and a lot of people get. What matters is that she's seeing MIL for her true colours, even if it took a bit too long. And that husband and wife are getting on the same page.