'AITA for getting angry at my husband for going back on his word to appease my MIL?' UPDATED

"AITAH for getting angry at my husband for going back on his word to appease my MIL?"

My (23f) husband (27m) and I just recently had our first baby. Being a first time parent definitely hasn’t been the easiest but I am absolutely loving every moment I have to bond and learn how to be a good parent with my son…well almost everything. Even before I had given birth, I was having difficult feelings regarding my MIL. In order to understand everything, I’ll have to give some backstory.

To start it off, I can’t go into too much detail as I’d like to for legal reasons. About a year after I had met my husband his brother got into some legal troubles that led to him being arrested. Because of this my (now ex) SIL and their newborn son ended up moving in with my MIL and FIL.

Everything was going ok until my ex SIL randomly one day while everyone was away from the house packed up everything and took her baby and left. The entire family was devastated, especially my MIL. She is the type of person who will overthink something to the point where they drive themselves crazy, and in this situation she did just that.

A couple months after she left, BIL had his first trial and to everyone’s surprise, my former ex SIL testified…against him. That added to the hurt and betrayal,and once again my MIL drove herself basically crazy overthinking. Ex SIL ended up filing for divorce, and moving states away with the baby. Since then we have had no contact with her and nobody has been able to see or talk to the baby.

Last year (on my birthday!) I found out I was pregnant. This was about 4 months after everything went down. When we told my MIL and FIL they were happy, but you could tell that they immediately thought of my Ex SIL and her baby. I would like to go ahead and say that I understand and sympathize with them.

After all that was their grandchild that they had helped take care of only for him to be taken away without being able to say goodbye. That would hurt anyone I’m sure, and I knew that they were going to need time to heal.

However despite all of that, my MIL jumped on board with helping me figure out doctor appointments and everything that I needed to do since I had no clue what to do. She was a really big help during my early stages of my pregnancy and I will forever be grateful for that,but this is now where we start running into the beginning of the issues.

About 3 months into my pregnancy we found out I was having a boy and my due date was the same month as my ex SIL’s baby’s birthday. My MIL was ecstatic. She started telling me that she had prayed to God and that with me having a boy and him being born in the same month as ex SIL’s baby, that he has answered her prayer and my son was going to be their “restoration."

I was a little weirded out with the wording but I just figured this was her way of healing and getting past all the pain. Then it got worse. It felt like I was constantly being compared to my ex SIL.

For example, before we found out I was pregnant my husband was teaching me how to drive(yes I don’t know how to drive) however that stopped once we did find out due to him wanting to be careful. There was a day where he couldn’t get off of work in time to take me to a doc appointment and he asked MIL if she could.

She ended up going on a speech about how my ex SIL’s got her license and would drive to her doc appointments all by herself and that I should be more like that(she knew it was my husbands idea to stop teaching me how to drive). When she found out my husband told me what she had said, she ended up crying and saying sorry.

However even after that it got worse with the comparison. It got to the point where it was about everything:what I ate, what I wore, how much I slept, which hospital I was going to, even down to who I wanted in the room when I gave birth. It also felt like she became obsessed with the fact that my son was her “restoration”. She would go on and on about how she prayed for him and that was the reason I got pregnant.

She would constantly ask me if I was going to take him away from her like ex SIL did, saying that she wasn’t going to let my son out of her sight for a second and even told me that my husband and I should move in with her and FIL so they could watch and make sure he stays. To say our relationship started feeling strained would be an understatement.

My husband tried talking to her multiple times about her behavior, but every time she would cry and saying sorry she doesn’t want another grand baby being taken from her. Now I know ptsd is a thing and it’s something that constantly will bring back painful memories, however at this point, it had been over a year since all that had happened.

Maybe I come across a little heartless when I say this(or maybe I’m fed up of the constant comparison) but you cannot continue to blame your behavior on things from the past if you are forcing yourself to stay in the past.

Anyway, getting to the reason of this post, I had my son back in May. He’s the best thing that has ever happened to me, I love this kid so much. When it comes to my MIL and FIL I tend to try and walk on eggshells around them when it comes to my son. They absolutely adore him.

He is now almost 3 months old (time needs to slow down)and my husband and I are finally letting them watch him for a few hours here and there,despite my nervousness. The last few times they’ve watched him my MIL has told us that he’s been projectile vomiting every time they feed him.

Obviously that’s raised concern with me because he never does that when we feed him here, so I started doing some questioning. I eventually found out my MIL will feed him, not burp him, and then lay him flat on his back. After he pukes, she’ll repeat the process.

When I told her she needed to burp him she got mad and argued with me saying she doesn’t need to burp him and that she’s raised two kids so she knows what shes doing. When I talked to my husband about it, he told me I need to be more “mama bear” with my son when it comes to MIL. I asked him if I did that if he was going to help me if she started trying to go against what I say and he said he would.

Obviously ever since finding out that’s what happening when my son goes to their house, I’ve been more wary about them having him. This past Sunday we were invited to go to a different church with different family. With it being a different church, I told my husband that I was probably going to hold the baby and not let MIL and FIL have him this time,and he agreed that was a good idea.

When church began my son started fussing a little bit. I fixed him a bottle and was feeding him. I could see(and feel) both my MIL and FIL looking past my husband to me and the baby and I could tell they wanted him.

I tried to ignore them until my husband poked me and told me that they wanted him to which I replied that I knew but I was feeding him and I knew that if he started getting passed around, he would start crying. My husband then told me that was fine and to just take my time.

My son finished eating and I started burping him and then after he burped I started to kinda entertain him quietly so he wouldn’t fuss, all the while still feeling the gaze of my MIL and FIL. My husband then again told me they wanted him to which I again told him a little more forcefully that I knew and I did not care that I was going to hold my baby.

He then got mad at me and told me that it wasn’t that big of a deal and proceeded to take my son from me and give him to MIL. Not even a minute later my son was full blown crying and being passed back to me, and I ended up having to go outside to calm him down. My husband followed after shortly to help and then you guessed it, MIL.

She came up asking if she needed to take him from me to which I said no that I was ok. A couple minutes later she asked me again and I said the same thing. My husband ran to the bathroom real quick and in that time she asked again and I told her that I was ok, we were in a unfamiliar place,my baby was crying and I wanted to comfort him.

She then asked me if I was keeping her from holding him because I’ve spoiled him to only want me,like what? By this point my husband came back and I told him him I was ready to leave so we packed up and left.

I was livid at my husband and the audacity of my MIL. When we got home I told him what she had said to me and then I told him I didn’t appreciate him telling me to be “mama bear” and agreeing with me about me holding him only for him to go back on his word. All he had to say was that he could tell MIL wanted him and he gave him to her for a second to “get it out of her system”.

At this point I was fed up and I told him that I didn’t care if she wanted him, or needed to “get it out her system” that was MY son not hers and what I say regarding him should stick.

He got mad and said it was like I didn’t want anyone to hold him to which I replied saying that if I didn’t want someone to hold my baby, they weren’t going to hold him end of story. He’s been mad at me ever since and I’m honestly starting to worry if I went to far and let my emotions get the better of me.

I’m sorry that this was long, and if it seemed all over the place that’s how I feel right now. Hopefully everything made sense. I just really need some outside perspective on this situation. Any and all advice will be appreciated and I will answer any questions. Thank you all in advance!

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

queenleilanightcourt said:

NTA. He went back on his word and expects you to be okay with it. If he’s unwilling to change, I would be reconsidering your relationship.

OP responded:

I’ve thought about it, but I’m not sure if MIL has manipulated him growing up to think that her behavior is ok, if that’s the case is it really my husband’s fault?

Niodia said:

Oh no. You have a spineless husband problem. Right now mommy is making him miserable trying to get control of baby. You need to either be a bigger problem than your MIL or 2 card your husband. (Offer him 2 cards. One for a marriage counselor and one for a divorce lawyer. Both checked out and vetted by you.)

OP responded:

I can definitely be a bigger problem than her, I learned to be petty from the best lol

Chemical-Pattern480 said:

Now you see why SIL packed up and moved without telling your in-laws. Aside from the court stuff, I’m betting MIL was equally as overbearing with SIL and your nephew as she is being with you. And SIL couldn’t take it and got the Hell out of Dodge as soon as she could.

And yes, I’m surprised you even had a baby, considering your Husband must store his testicles in Mommy’s purse! You need to have a come to Jesus meeting with him, and he needs to decide. And since you all are church goers, remind him that marriage is when you “leave your Father and Mother, and join with your Wife."

OP responded:

Before my SIL left I actually talked to her about my husband being a “mommy’s boy” and she actually told me that verse. I think you’re completely right about my MIL being overbearing with her.

My husband had gotten SO much better after we married and moved away, however once our lease ran up we moved like 2 doors away and then the baby came. They say babies change people, but no one told me this is what they meant!

me123456777 said:

NTA, you’ve not only got a mother-in-law problem you’ve got a husband problem your MIL needs serious counseling and if your marriage is going to survive, you guys need couples counseling and therapy!

You guys need to go LC with your in-laws for the time being until they can get their emotions and check and under control and if your husband‘s not down with it, maybe you should go stay with your parents or somewhere you can be safe!

If he can’t support you, you need to get out now because it’s only gonna get worse and I would be worrying about your safety as well as the safety of your child especially if you leave your child with your MIL, if she can’t even burp the child what if the child chokes or something like that. Get out now.

OP responded:

I would be so on board with going LC with them…but they live two doors down so I’m not sure how that would work. Sadly I moved states away from all of my family and friends,in order for me to get out and stay with one of them I would have to basically take my son away, just like my SIL did.

Treehousehunter said:

Great, so MIL “got it out of her system” at the expense of your child (baby started screaming) and you had to get up and leave to comfort him. Nice work, Daddy. Way to make sure to put the grandparents wants ahead of the needs of a child and the instincts of baby’s mother. Your husband has a lot of maturing to do

And OP responded:

Right, that’s what made me so upset. Everything I felt and said got thrown aside to appease someone else at the expense of MY baby. I love my husband very much but I agree in this sense he needs to mature