'AITA getting my ex in trouble during therapy with me and his current wife?'
"AITA getting my ex in trouble during therapy with me and his current wife?"
My ex-husband (40m) and I (36f) share three kids (12f, 11f and 9m). Since our divorce my ex has remarried. His wife Janie (38f) has two of her own kids (13m, 7m) who she has full custody of. So they've made a very blended family.
I have a partner (43m) myself now but we don't live together or anything so he's not directly involved here. The problem is my kids dislike Janie, my girls more so, and they feel like she tries to play their mom and push me out.
They have mentioned specific incidents which led me to address the concerns with my ex and after a while of this it strained things between me and them (ex and Janie). They told me they didn't believe me and said I must be the reason the kids were causing trouble at their house.
They never specified what this trouble was. At one point after things got bad my ex admitted to me that the kids had complained about the same things to him regarding Janie and he wasn't telling her. This landed us back in court and into therapy together for co-parenting.
In our therapy sessions Janie complained about me and said she feels like I refuse to accept she's also now a mom to my kids and wants to ruin it by making up complaints. She said anything the kids say isn't real and is just kids trying to stir the pot with the adults.
During the discussion about this I brought up my ex and how the kids complained to him also and he told me as much. This started a fight off between my ex and Janie. It derailed the session because they walked out to deal with their marital issues.
My ex is pissed at me for throwing him under the bus like that. I defended myself but he said I could have approached the rebuttal differently. Janie accused me of trying to break up her marriage and being a part of stirring the pot between everyone. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Your kids’ feelings should be the priority here, and if they are consistently expressing discomfort about Janie, that deserves to be taken seriously. It’s concerning that your ex dismissed their concerns until it became a bigger issue.
Janie seems more focused on claiming a “mom” role rather than listening to how the kids actually feel. A stepparent should earn that place through respect and trust, not force it. The fact that your ex finally admitted the kids were telling him the same things but hid it from Janie says a lot he likely knew she wouldn’t take it well, which is exactly what happened in therapy.
You didn’t “ruin” anything. You just told the truth, and it’s not your fault that it exposed cracks in their marriage. Keep advocating for your kids, and hopefully, therapy will help them realize they need to actually listen instead of dismissing their feelings.
Sounds like your ex-husband and his new wife need their own therapy sessions, yikes. And here I thought my in-laws were the only ones who needed constant mediation.
"In our therapy sessions Janie complained about me and said she feels like I refuse to accept she's also now a mom to my kids and wants to ruin it by making up complaints."
I would tell her "you're not a mom to my kids. You're my ex husband's wife. You have not adopted them, nor will I let you do so.
They have a mom, they don't need another. If you stop trying to be their mom, they might be able to have a friendly, respectful relationship to you and I'll encourage them to at least be respectful.
If you keep trying to be their mom, they will resent you and I will not tell them that they shouldn't." NTA for what you said. If you stated facts, you did not "throw him under the bus." He leapt under the bus of his own volition.
Absolutely not. EFF that chick, she doesn’t get to demand placement in your children’s lives. Shes not mom, she’s dad’s wife. He can be pissed all he wants but it’s reality and if he’s not out his Chihuahua on a leash, they’re both going to get hung by it.
"She said anything the kids say isn't real, and is just trying to stir the pot with the adults."
My aunties ex-wife used to say trash like this all the time. She was never wrong because all children but especially teenagers are psychotic narcissists.
From the mouth of the bipolar drug addict nurse who lost her job stealing meds from patients. Why? Because I had the audacity to hide an unopened chocolate bar in my room when her youngest (sweet kid despite his mom) was going through a sticky fingers phase.
NTA. People like this do not care for reality. Only their perception. You did not get him in trouble. He lied to his wife through intentional omission and you did not owe him secrecy. In fact, given the court ordered therapy, it was important that the truth came out. You only owe your children your support and advocacy. Not your ex.
NTA its not your fault that your kids feel this way and your ex needs to put the kids before his new wife. If they tell him that they are uncomfortable with her behavior he needs to address it with her instead of letting her think that you are the problem.
A therapist can only help people who are being honest (to the best of their ability). Everyone has to be open for the process to work. I was an adolescent mental health provider for years and parents not being open and making an effort was the biggest hurdle.