'AITA for getting an expensive car even though I knew my long-term GF would be upset?' UPDATED

"AITA for getting an expensive car even though I knew my long term girlfriend would be upset about it?"

I am 27 and my girlfriend Georgia is 25 and she works as a pharmacy associate. We have been together for two and a half years and I do see a future with her. I work in healthcare and have been scrimping and saving through most of my 20s. I didn't have much of a college experience and have just stacked money for my future.

Recently I got fed up with my Hyundai and decided that it's finally time to trade it in for something nice and comfortable for myself. I told my girlfriend about my plan and she asked me what cars I was looking at, and she vehemently disagreed. I found it surprising, but I said that I wanted to get the car anyway.

This was a point of contention for a while so I found myself holding off on biting the bullet on purchasing a car. This has been the first real fight in our relationship. I would bring it up and she would either shut it down, or would give me some reason I don't find particularly convincing.

"It's too expensive." "Well I can afford it, I have a lot of money saved.". Eventually I was getting frustrated and I vented with my friend, and he said "She's joining onto your life, she can either hop on or not, you don't need her permission." I figured that was a valid point. I told Georgia that I was getting a car. She said "Do what you want" and that was that.

I got a 2022 Audi A6 45 Premium Plus a couple of days ago. I test drove it and it rode so smooth. It had black leather seats, white exterior, low miles, clean car fax, and 20 inch V rims. I was so happy. I got it for 39k out the door, put 15K down, traded in my Hyundai, and financed the rest through my credit union.

I drove home grinning ear to ear. I called my girlfriend later that day and invited her to my apartment. I cooked her salmon and mashed potatoes and cracked open a store bought cheesecake. Eventually I took her outside and showed her the car. I figured once she saw how nice of a purchase I made, maybe she wouldn't be so mad. After all, could you be mad as a passenger princess in German Luxury?

It was a vain hope. She was upset. She said "You actually did it?", I said yeah, I said I was going to. We started bickering. She asked how much it cost. I told her. She said "That's more than I make in a year!". I said "Yeah, but I can afford it." we went back and forth but the argument devolved.

Eventually I said "If you can't be happy for me, you can just go ahead and go home." She started tearing up and apologized. I apologized for snapping. We spent just had a quiet night in after that. Today, I spoke with my girlfriend and she said that she wanted an apology from me for disregarding her feelings regarding me purchasing an expensive vehicle.

I told her no apology was coming for that, I was happy with my purchase, she can either get over it or not, but how she felt about was not my problem to solve. She said that was really mean, and I said it was really mean she was trying to control my purchases as a grown man. AITA?

The commenters were quick to share their thoughts.

lsp2005 wrote:

Do what you want = I do not want you to do this thing. I have said my opinion, but you should know I really disagree with you. With that said, you are not engaged nor are you married to her.

Your money is yours to spend and save. I would hope that you still have a 401k, Ira, 6 month emergency fund, vacation fund, etc. if you have all of those life markers to save for your future, then enjoy the car. If you have nothing to your name, then this was a silly decision.

What your girlfriend likely wants is an engagement ring. So she sees this purchase as an obstacle to her getting that from you. It’s been two years, if you are going to marry her, this is enough time to make that decision. If not, let her go. It is already clear that you are not financially compatible.

OP responded:

I have idek how much save in my retirement but a pretty penny. I've been on a 10% withdrawal for last 4 years plus 5% employer match. I work as a nurse and have been living with my parents for most of that time until I moved into my apartment a year ago. I've been saving from the moment I've been working. Pretty much everything I've earned has been saved. I don't have any debt besides the car rn.

As far as engagement, I'd be open to doing that for her, but she's the one who's been hesitant because she hasn't quite locked down a career path yet, she's deciding between grad school and pharmacy school. I told I'd be fine waiting. We've talked about future plans, but we're in a holding pattern with her schooling.

NobodyBright9889 wrote:

Enjoy the car!!! I never had a chance to get a "fun" car when I was young, because life and then kids. I'm retired now and love cruising around in my 2024 Miata :)

Word of advice, though...you really need to have a discussion (or multiple) about your shared financial values and goals if your relationship is going to go further (ie: engagement, marriage, kids). Money is one of the most common reason for tension and divorce in a marriage. Happy cruising!

Odd_Substance_9032 wrote:

NTA - she’s just a gf, you don’t combine your incomes . Not her money, not her say. She sees you as an ATM. You spent her money, she said thats more than she makes ina year…..hmmmmm….never fund anyone’s life.

Allysonsplace wrote:

There aren't always many times in your life when you can afford or get the opportunity to have the car or other luxury item that you really want. You're young, and responsibilities will just keep coming. Now was the time to do this, for you.

Any woman who says "Do what you want," and then gets mad when you actually do is less a woman than a girl, and has some maturing and growth to do. Communication is priority one in a relationship. Enjoy your car every time you get in it, take care of it and yourself! From not-your-mom, but A Mom.

GoingAllRevenant wrote:

You told her you were getting it. No need to apologize. And these days, a $39K car is not exorbitant. You two have different relationships with money though, and this is something you'll need to work out.

DevilPup55 wrote:

NTA. Evidently, y'all don't even live together. Not her call. No apology is necessary on your part. Just watch out if she continues to harp about it. Shut it down immediately. You might want to reconsider the relationship. You're young and saved for this beautiful car and had every right to purchase it. This coming from a Mom/Grandma.

Three days later, OP shared an update.

Well I got to the root of the issue with my girlfriend after we spoke yesterday. First things first to clear up a few commonly mentioned things in the comments: my girlfriend wasn't expecting a ring, she didn't want one while she was deciding whether to go to grad school or pharmacy school.

I *can* afford the car. I work as nurse making over 70k and have a lot of savings. I've worked as a nurse for four years I lived with my parents for the three of those years and didn't spend much at all. The used Audi A6 I purchased is the biggest purchase I've ever made and I wanted to finance half of it in case I want a mortgage in the future.

Things have gotten better between the two of us since the exchange at the end of our last post. I did take her out to get some ice cream and also surprised her by taking her to getting nails done as well. She asked if I was trying to bribe her out of being mad, and I said no, just trying to be kind (even though I had planned these weekend activities ahead of time and was still fairly mad at her).

Normally after a date out, we would wrap things up at my place, but I didn't have the bandwidth and wanted some space. I dropped her back off at her parents house and asked if she could come by my place tomorrow so we could just quash this issue looming over our relationship.

She said ok. I ran errands yesterday, and prepared for my girlfriend to come by. Around 6 she came by after her shift. I sat her down at the table with a pizza and basically just asked that we keep it civil and try not to get to emotional. I asked her why the car was too expensive.

She said that it just was. It's excessive and wasteful. I said that I agree. That caught her off guard. I told her that I saved a lot of money and basically spent very little on myself, so just once I wanted to be a excessive on myself. She asked if it's a one off thing. I said probably, I intend to treat the car very well.

I asked why her reaction was so strong to the car. This is where she kinda shut down a little. I prodded her a little. She said that she decided she wanted to go to pharmacy school. She was going to tell me soon, and while she was making this big adult decision in her eyes, here I was blowing a bunch of money on a luxury car.

I congratulated her on making up her mind on a career. I didn't particularly agree with characterization, but I could see how she could see it that way. I asked which schools she was applying to and she mentioned a few public universities in our state. I asked how she was planning on paying and she said she had no other options other than loans, she was also hoping I would be willing to help out or chip in.

I told her that I loved her, but that she took out her anxieties of being able to pay for her pharmacy degree on me instead of being happy for me. She apologized for that and said she didn't realize that getting a nice car meant a lot to me. She started crying and I held her for a bit. We spoke for a long time after that. In sum though, things are uncertain.

I feel like I saw a really bad side of her before we took some really big steps together. Her lack of communication and feeling of control over my purchase concerned me, and I don't think it would be a good idea for me to marry her. I say marry her because there is no way I would support someone through a pharmacy degree without some sort of legal reassurance.

Things left on a bittersweet note but an I love you nonetheless. I dropped her off back her parent's house. Right now I'm 90% leaning towards ending this relationship because I just don't see us heading the same direction anymore. I probably won't update or respond to comments for while, I have two back to back shifts starting tomorrow and I'm going to hit the hay after this posts.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

sometimesaphasia wrote:

Congratulations on your new car, my dude. It’s not only a great vehicle, but it managed to detect a hidden conflict in your relationship. Your girlfriend has the mistaken belief that she will have access to your money for her educational expenses.

Not only is that belief incorrect, but she’s not likely to be your girlfriend for much longer, either. Meanwhile, you will be driving your new car for years to come. Drive safely and enjoy your new car! 🍀

altruistic__8672 wrote:

I’d say a big portion of why she was upset was because she was hoping you would be giving her money for school and now you have spent your savings and have car payments so you can’t contribute as much or anything to her financially. She is more than likely, already starting to consider your money, her money.

pleasant_procedure78 wrote:

You guys are not even close to being ready for marriage. She made a huge decision regarding school and finances without discussing with you that you were part of her financial plan to accomplish that.

Her feelings and anger about the car stemmed from her counting on you to help her finance her education. You buying that car meant your finances would be reduced and affect her. This makes far more sense now.

The way you described her anger made no sense. It was over the top. But it’s obvious now. This was never about the car. This has always been about her and what she wanted and expected you to do for her. The car was important to you. But she didn’t see it. She only saw what she wanted slipping away because your money would be tied up. OP if you decide to end it, you may have dodged a bullet.

lidder444 wrote:

I’m glad you were open. It does concern me a little that she reiterated that she hoped it was a ‘one time thing’. You aren’t married and seem to be very responsible so I feel that was a little controlling. I would hope she would sort through her issues about money before you ever took your relationship further/ serious/ marriage etc.