'AITA for getting married before my soon-to-be sister-in-law?' UPDATED 3X
"AITA for getting married before my soon-to-be sister-in-law?"
First off just wanna say I have been watching your crazy wedding stories for a while now and never dreamed I’d be posting 😅 LOVE YOU CHARLOTTE!! This situation has been weighing on me, and I need an outside perspective. My husband, “John,” and I got married last year, and ever since, there’s been tension with my soon-to-be sister-in-law, “Danelle.” Here’s the backstory:
Last Christmas, Danelle and “Conner” (John’s brother) got engaged but waited until New Year’s Eve to announce it. I thought it was odd to hold off, but I was happy for them and excited to help with anything she might need.
I really thought we were becoming friends. Fast forward to New Year’s Eve, and I find out that John had told his parents he wanted to propose to me that night. Apparently, his parents shared that with Conner and Danelle, who then decided to use the same occasion for their engagement announcement instead.
When I found out, I was hurt, but I tried to let it go. John proposed a few months later, and we decided to elope on a beautiful mountaintop. I’ve never wanted a big wedding (I don’t have a great relationship with my father), and we didn’t want to step on Conner and Danelle’s toes since their wedding was coming up.
We even asked them if it would bother them if we got married before them, and they said it was completely fine, as there was almost over a year before theirs. Here’s where things started getting weird.
Danelle never congratulated me on our engagement, and she’s been distant ever since SHE got engaged. She didn’t want help with any wedding planning and didn’t include me or our other sister-in-law(John and Connor’s sister) in anything. My husband is Conner’s best man, but Danelle doesn’t want him to give a speech or throw a bachelor party (even though she’s going on a destination bachelorette trip).
To make things worse, she’s been bullying me online. She knows I’ve been struggling with postpartum depression and the loss of my grandmother, and after I went no contact with her she started mailing things to our house only addressed to John and our kids seemingly purposely leaving me off. 🤷🏼♀️
Most recently, she told my mother-in-law that my oldest son would be their ring bearer. She never discussed this with me and even previously told me she didn’t want kids in the wedding because she thought it would be too much for me.
At this point, I’m wondering if this all stems from me and John getting married before them.
Am I the AH for not waiting longer, or is there something else going on here?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Since she’s also excluding the sister of her future husband, I thing she suffers from main character syndrome… you have zero responsibility for her behaviour based on what you shared.
What you and your husband need to do is sit down with those two and have a conversation. Start with the ring bearer thing. She should not be discussing your child’s participation without including you in the conversation.
Then, find out why all the online hate. Don’t put them on the defensive. Approach it as ‘we are family so let’s figure out what we can do to make our union better.’ You can’t let this fester.
Stop pussy footing around this woman. First and foremost you and your husband need to have a united front. Then you need to sit down with her and Conner and firmly state that you are a family, no communications or decisions are done without both of you.
You have not agreed to your son being the ring bearer nor were you even asked. Further, the passive aggressive gifts and mail stops or everything will be returned to sender, same goes for the online crap. Your husband must back you up. This women is unhinged.
Three weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
So, my husband John, his brother Conner, their grandfather, and father were supposed to meet up to pay for the suits for the wedding. It was also supposed to be a chance for the guys to talk without me or Danelle (my soon-to-be SIL) around.
But Conner just didn’t show up. No call, no text—nothing. To top it off, the suits ended up being double the original price. Aggravating, but at this point, what can you do?
As for my MIL, even though I’ve already told her I’m not going to Danelle’s bridal shower because of how I’ve been treated, she’s now trying to guilt me into going by asking me to bring great-grandma to the shower.
My other sister-in-law is also being left out. MIL just texted her the dates she needs to request off for the wedding (which is on a holiday) without asking if she could even make it. Any of her questions about what to wear or other details have been completely ignored.
And the kicker? My other SIL just took her Christmas tree down this week, and guess what she found? Danelle had hidden an ornament on the tree that was clearly meant as a dig at both of us.
I’m sure more drama is coming as the wedding gets closer, but I’m just over it at this point. Thanks for all the support and advice on my last post—it’s really helped me navigate this mess. Me and SIL are planning a day trip with the kids the day of the wedding.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You should be petty and put lots of pictures on social media. The post should say something along the lines of "Spending the day with the kids and my favorite sister in law."
Ya your husband needs to join this fun day. At this point they have exactly what the wanted you apart from your husband. She probably has some awful friend she had plans to fix him up with and that is why she derailed your engagement in the 1st place and has not given up on it. So I would not be surprised if they put him in a compromising position. Even if that isn't it.
Oh, there’s going to be a lot of drama.
UpdateMe!
Two and a half months later, the OP returned with another update.
Hey everyone — here’s the third (but probably not final) update to the wedding chaos with my soon-to-be SIL “Danelle.” Thanks again to everyone who supported my first two posts — you’ve helped me feel so much less alone in this.
So, for anyone who missed my earlier posts, here’s the summary of what’s happened: I’ve been dealing with some serious drama surrounding my soon-to-be sister-in-law, “Danelle,” and her wedding.
A little background: Danelle and I were very close for about four years. We’d hang out regularly — dinner, movies, even deep conversations. I really considered her a good friend.
When she and “Conner” (my husband’s brother) got engaged, I was excited and eager to support her however I could. I was never expecting to be in the bridal party, but I wanted to help with anything else she needed.
After Danelle got engaged, however, things changed. When John and I got engaged a few months later, I was completely ignored by Danelle. She didn’t congratulate me, and I wasn’t included in any wedding planning.
Then, John, who’s Conner’s best man, was told he wouldn’t be giving a speech or planning the bachelor party. Danelle was planning a destination bachelorette trip, but she didn’t want my husband involved in anything related to her wedding. It felt like she was excluding us at every turn.
The situation only got worse when Danelle started bullying me online. I had already been struggling with postpartum depression and grieving the loss of my grandmother, and the constant passive-aggressive comments from her were really taking a toll.
After I decided to go no-contact with her, Danelle took to sending things addressed only to John and our kids — pointedly leaving me out. Then, Danelle told my MIL that my oldest son would be the ring bearer — without ever discussing it with me.
This is after she’d told me she didn’t want kids in the wedding because it would be “too much for me.” It felt like she was going out of her way to be dismissive and disrespectful.
Meanwhile, my other sister-in-law, “Kay,” was being treated just as poorly. She was told, not asked, to take off time for the wedding, and all her questions about attire or wedding details were completely ignored. Kay even found an ornament on her Christmas tree that Danelle had hidden there — clearly meant as a dig at both of us.
After that Kay and I had planned to take the kid’s out for a day trip during the wedding to avoid the drama. But when I confirmed that my kids wouldn’t be in the wedding, Danelle suddenly told Kay that she’d be the “keeper of the rings,” so that plan was canceled. After pressure from her parents.
Here’s where things got even more frustrating: My father-in-law came over to our house and tried to guilt us into bringing the kids to the wedding. Even though we had made it clear that we weren’t going to be involved in the wedding like that, he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
My husband, John, finally had to shut him down and told him outright to stop “kissing Danelle’s ass.” Honestly, I was proud of him for standing up for me, but it just made me realize how deep this whole thing goes.
Throughout all of this, we’ve been begging for basic wedding information — especially after being left out of planning and communication. We asked multiple times for things like the dress code, wedding schedule, and other details, and the response was always a shrug.
At one point, John had to ask for the wedding address, times, speech expectations, and other logistical details because, you know, we just weren’t given any of that. It was getting absurd.
I couldn’t even buy a dress for the occasion because less than a month I still didn’t know the attire now finally I was able to order it and it will be here 4 days before the wedding so fingers crossed it fits. 🥴
Then, again with the wedding now less than a month away, John was expected to throw together a bachelor party at the last minute — and, on top of that, he was also supposed to write a best man speech for a brother he barely knows and a woman he can’t stand.
The emotional labor being dumped on him is honestly ridiculous. So, we’ve decided that we’ll go to the wedding — but there’s a condition. John has promised that if we attend, we will go no contact with his family until New Year’s, and then we’ll reevaluate.
I’m pregnant with baby #3 right now, and after experiencing a miscarriage during Thanksgiving, I just can’t deal with all this stress anymore. I’m emotionally drained and trying to protect my peace for the sake of my family.
I’ll update again if anything else happens, but at this point, we’re just getting through it. Thanks again for all the support — it’s honestly helped me more than you know.
The OP provided this screenshot of their response regarding bringing her children to the wedding.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I think for your own mental wellbeing, you and your husband should refrain from going to the wedding at all. I don't understand why you are putting yourselves through it when Danelle obviously dislikes both of you and doesn't want you there. She will create drama and make the whole event insufferable for you both. Why do you want to go?
I have brought this up to my husband a few times now, I think he feels terrible that he’d be letting his brother down who’s never really asked him for anything before this. But I agree I’m only going to support my husband and Kay and we will be leaving as soon as speeches are done.
Yiiieks. Read your post. If I were you and your husband I would go no contact now. I would not go. Would not make time. Spend time or money or energy on anything. Sorry to say but they are all utterly crazy. Good luck! And UpdateMe!
Three and a half weeks later, the OP returned with their final update.
Well, it’s official. My husband and I didn’t attend the reception, he decided to not be in the wedding photos, and we are now no contact with his family. I promised an update, so here it is.
Let me back up.
Weeks went by with no invitation. I finally got a 1/3 of an invitation, no envelope, no details. It wasn’t even addressed to me. It was slipped to John weeks after everyone else had received theirs No RSVP card, no formal invite.
And when we asked about it, we were told we should’ve known the details “because it’s tradition.” But apparently tradition didn’t include me—despite the fact that it is tradition to send an invitation to the best man’s wife.
Things started REALLY unraveling at the rehearsal. They called for “ALL family and bridal party” to go into another room to practice a special entrance into the church. I wasn’t going to go, but I was ushered in by FIL and Conner.
Once inside, it became obvious that every immediate family member was involved in this special entrance and had reserved seating — everyone except me. They lined people up for their entrance and then just… left me in an empty room.
I could hear everyone laughing and talking in the next room while a woman stood at the door to keep people from going back in. I wasn’t even allowed to rejoin the group. I cried in the bathroom, tried to pull myself together several times, and finally just sat by the car until everyone came out. Kay dropped out last minute—for her own reasons, but let’s just say she wasn’t treated any better.
Then came the wedding day. I brought our oldest son with me because our youngest was sick with a fever, and it would’ve been too much to ask my mom to watch both. When we arrived, my MIL came around greeting guests, smiling and chatting — but walked right past me and our son without saying a word. It was humiliating.
And then came the final blow: the family photo list. Turns out, I wasn’t on it. Not me, not my son. My husband had to ask if I was supposed to be included. After a pause and some awkward glances, they said I could be — as if it were a favor. I declined. I wasn’t going to beg to be in photos with a family that had gone out of their way to make me feel like a stranger.
That was what finally made it clear for my husband. He saw it. Really saw it. The exclusion wasn’t just in my head. It wasn’t accidental. It was repeated, deliberate, and pointed. The photo list sealed it for him — he made the call to go no contact.
Not just me — him too. We didn’t go to the reception, and we won’t be spending another holiday, text thread, or minute playing pretend with people who made it so obvious we aren’t welcome.
There’s so much more I could say, but I’ll end with this: If you don’t want someone at your wedding, don’t invite them. But don’t half-invite them and then exclude them every step of the way while pretending they’re crazy. I was never part of this plan—and honestly, I think they thought I wouldn’t notice. But I did.
To everyone who followed along, thank you. and your validation meant more than you’ll ever know. It helped me stay grounded in reality when gaslighting and passive-aggression were trying to rewrite it. We’re closing this chapter. We genuinely hope everyone had the day they deserve.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I’m glad that your husband finally saw their behaviour. Unfortunately I don’t think this will be the end. They are going to hound husband with this is all in your head and they want a relationship but you blah blah blah…They will try to make you the bad guy. I hope you have blocked everyone for your own peace.
OP, please listen to this. You are pregnant with your husbands child. They will try to guilt him with "family," and IF he caves, they will play favourites. You two need couples therapy ASAP, not only to heal from how long it took for him to see his families' true colours but so you can make sure you are both prepared for the battles ahead.
I am so sorry that this wedding was awful for you. But unfortunately, it was needed to open your husband's eyes about how you are treated by his family and he made the right decision for your family. Thank you for the update.