'AITA for getting my own place 'behind my BF's back' after I got dumped?'

"AITA for getting my own place after I got dumped?"

I 32F moved in with my 39M boyfriend after being together for a year and a half. Some context about our relationship, we’ve been very on and off, and he’s cheated on me with two ex girlfriends in the first 3 months of our relationship. This all took place in the apartment we both are Living in.

After a very rocky summer, he told me did not want to lose me and that we will never break up again. That’s when he asked me to move in with him. I decided to say yes believing he has turned a new leaf. I canceled the lease for the new place, and began selling all of my furniture that I didn’t need.

The first month of moving in was rough. Along with selling all of my stuff, I had to bond all 4 cats myself (2 are mine and 2 are his), and started a new job at the same time. The cats did not get along until about a month and a half of me living there.

I started becoming anxious and depressed because I can’t shake the cheating that took place in this apartment we’re living in. I started becoming distant. I even brought it up to him because he noticed I was acting different.

Well the second month I’m living there, I got sick with pneumonia that was originally diagnosed as bronchitis. Note that I have asthma, so any lung illnesses are very hard on my body. I was home for over 2 weeks from work. During that time, he proceeded to get upset with me because I wasn’t cleaning the house while he was at work. I told him I was very sick and it’s hard to move.

Well 2 weeks into my 3 weeks of being severely ill, he broke up with me and told me I needed to find a new place to live. His reasons were that I wasn’t cleaning enough, and that I wasn’t sleeping with him enough. We do it multiple times a week and even when I was sick.

The next day I had a follow up appointment where I was diagnosed with pneumonia. I texted him letting him know and he immediately felt bad and called me to talk. I told him the diagnosis, and that I was going to tour an apartment because I had to move. He told me to just go home and he’s not a monster. I went anyways and applied.

Once he got home he wanted to work things out, but didn’t even apologize. I reluctantly agreed, but I knew that I wasn’t going to move out. Another 2 weeks go by and everything is getting better. I got a call from the apartments saying I got approved, so I let him know later that day.

I didn’t tell him I was going to take it, but I asked if I should or if I should stay. After that day, he started being very attentive. Waking up early to give me head massages and taking care of me extensively.

Well this past weekend, we got in an argument where he started insulting my closest friends who are family to me. I don’t have much family left alive, so these friends of mine mean the world to me. After we argued, we went about our day. He made a rude comment about my car and I told him to not talk to me because I felt disrespected. He got more angry than I did.

The next day, we weren’t even speaking, but i let him know we need to talk. I let him know I got the apartment, I’m going to sign the lease, and I will be moving out because I don’t feel emotionally safe in this relationship.

He was mostly calm about it, but got mad that I had already got a place. He was also planning on breaking up with me again after the fight about my car. He thinks that it was wrong to do this behind his back. So AITA?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Lucky-Ad-4589 said:

Nta. Please move out and dump him. You don't need that BS in your life. Plus he is a cheater. Screw him.

nolaz said:

He was planning to break up with you but thinks it’s wrong for you to have a place to go? The man’s an ass. What he wants is a dynamic where he is constantly holding breakups over your head and you are begging him to let you stay. Notice how when he thought you had another option, he was nice, then when he thought you passed on it, he went back to treating you badly? Good job getting out of it.

sex-positive_psych said:

NTA, but, girl, why did you move in with someone who cheated on you not once, not twice, but thrice? At what point of you integrating the cats all by yourself did this seem like a relationship of equals? This man is TRASH and you have shown him, multiple times, that you're okay with it. Get out NOW

Then OP shared this edit to her original post:

I don’t think I worded up the current situation well, so let me clear that up. I broke up with him when I told him I was moving. Usually I end things when I get cheated on. We were friends for a long time beforehand, and I guess he just knew me well enough to convince me to stay.

He really messed with my head. Regarding the comments about abusive relationships, I was in one before and I’ve never let a man lay a hand on me ever again. If someone shows signs of physical abuse, I leave. There is more I want to say but I don’t think it would be safe to diverge those details until I’m moved out.