'AITA for getting pregnant the same year as my best friend's wedding?' UPDATED

"AITA for getting pregnant the same year as my best friend's wedding?"

My best friend (31F) and I (31F) have been best friends for over 12 years, since we were 19 and roommates in college. She lives 1300 miles away from me, so most of our friendship has been long-distance, minus the year we lived together in college. My best friend has been my best friend thru some heavy stuff on both of our sides and we've always been there for each other.

She helped me when I was 20 get out of an toxic home and a few years ago when I was so severely depressed I had to go to in-patient treatment, and I've been there for her through every breakup (friends and partners), her dad nearly passing during the pandemic, her pets passing, etc.

To say we have been there for each other through it all would be an understatement, at least in my eyes. We're also not the same 19-year-old children that we were when we first met. She has done some things that I've been upset about, but kind of moved on from.

For example, when I was turning 30, I planned a trip to Disney World to celebrate (Disney is a particularly special place for us both) with my family. Her birthday is exactly 7 days before mine and I technically was flying into Disney World on her birthday, but not going into the park. We had no plans at all to see each other on each other's birthdays.

When I told her months prior that I was going to go to Disney for my 30th birthday, she cried and basically ghosted me for a couple days while she had a meltdown because she couldn't handle me going to Disney on HER birthday while she didn't have the ability to go. So her and her now-fiance, then-partner, decided that the only way she could be ok with this was to max out a credit card and go themselves.

So they went 6 months-ish before my trip with my husband and that's where they got engaged. This was almost 2 years ago now. When this happened I was super confused and kind of upset, because in my mind I didn't understand why I couldn't go to Disney and her not freak out about it.

But she went to the parks before me and I didn't care and if that's what she needed to do to process, then whatever. I just left it and we went back to normal. We had a moment when I lost my job about a year ago where, truthfully, I became very s**cidal and negative and trauma dumped too much to her.

This strained our friendship, and rightfully so, and after apologizing and doing some therapy work, we got back to normal again. This is to say, I've not been perfect in my friendship with her, but I believe I've always been thoughtful to account for when I've fucked up because I'm human and we all do.

I'm now in a far better place mentally and this hasn't been an issue in over a year, and thankfully, I've been doing more therapy treatments to manage my depression and anxiety and have been far healthier in my life and with my loved ones. Now to the situation at hand. I've been married to my husband for nearly 7 years.

She was my maid of honor. I have always wanted to have children, and my best friend knew this. She has never and still never wants to have children, and that's ok. My husband and I tried for children about a year or two ago and then I lost my job so we stopped trying. Then I got a new job and things were more stable and so we finally decided to go off birth control and try for a baby in October of 2024.

Again, she knew this. I also live in a state where abortion is completely illegal, she does not. My husband and I have always wanted two kids, though we'll be ok with one if pregnancy is too difficult for me.

Obviously, I know women have children past 35, but the risks get higher, and being in a state where my ability to get a medically necessary abortion isn't possible, we didn't want to have children past 35 if we could help it. So the plan was to start trying for children now since I'm already 31.

Like mentioned earlier, my best friend has been engaged for almost two years. It'll be 2.5 years by the time they get married this year. I am (was) her maid of honor for her wedding, like she was for mine. Well, on Jan 2, I found out I was pregnant and my husband and I were so happy.

I told my sister and then told my best friend, because I figured if the worst situation were to happen, it's my sister and best friend that'll be there for me. When she answered the phone, the first thing she said was "so...when are you due?" and started talking about her wedding and if I'd still be pregnant by then.

My due date was supposed to be 6ish weeks prior to her wedding. I could tell immediately in this call that she was upset that I was pregnant. I have a lot of trauma in my life and deal with that by people pleasing.

I could tell she was upset and I tried placating her and saying how I knew the timing wasn't ideal and I didn't want to have a child in September either because there were so many birthdays in my family in that month, and basically just tried to convince her that it would be ok and even asked her if she was mad at me because I know her and I knew she was.

Anyway, after that phone call she basically ghosted me for 4 days, didn't answer my texts and basically just replied the bare minimum. Finally, four days later, she tells me to call her so we can talk and then I spend an hour and a half coddling her and telling her I do not plan to miss her wedding and that this doesn't change anything.

The only thing that would change is that I would have to wear post-partum diapers under my dress. We aren't drinkers and weren't planning a Vegas rager for her bachelorette and so I didn't see how me being pregnant for that and having a new baby by the time she was married would affect much of anything.

We also have a strong family system, so we knew that we could have family watch the baby or god forbid fly up there and stay with the baby so I could be there for my best friend at her wedding. Like I said, there was no intention to miss it and I had to practically beg her to understand this and apologize for adding a 'wrench' into their wedding plans.

The next day, on the literal anniversary of our friendship, she texts me saying she wants to do another follow-up call with me about it because apparently she was ok and now her fiance just couldn't handle this still and she wanted me to basically talk him down and talk through it like I did with her.

I didn't want to do this. Her entire reaction was difficult and stressful and I didn't want to spend another hour and a half coddling her fiance, who while I'm friends with, is not my best friend. I basically said, I'm not sure what i can say at this point to him that I haven't already said to you.

She then told me that she didn't feel like my husband and I considered her wedding being in 10 months when we decided to 'go for it' and that I wasn't being realistic with her about being able to be at her wedding and that 2025 is a big year and that people automatically think a pregnancy is more important than a wedding and she didn't want people to only focus on me and not her.

Basically, 2025 is supposed to be her year and now that I'm pregnant, that makes this year not all about her and puts her wedding in jeopardy somehow. I truly do not understand this, as we don't share friend and family groups, and I would never expect her to pause her life the year I have a major life event.

So this really upset me that she basically expected me to put my life on pause for a year so only her and her fiance could have 2025. I told her this in my reply, that her reaction had made me regret telling her about the pregnancy and honestly, getting pregnant in the first place.

And that I live in a state where it's dangerous to be a woman and it's not fair to expect me to put my life on pause for her wedding. I told her that best friends share life events all the time, especially in their 30s.

They get married and have kids and change jobs and move and get divorced, etc all at the same time and it doesn't negate or take away from each other and it's ok to both be able to celebrate each other this year, it doesn't take away each other's shine. She told me she needed to process this and couldn't respond yet. I said that's ok, give it some time and I'll be there.

Two days later, I miscarry. This was one of the worst experiences of my life and I'm still not over it. I cry thinking about the baby I lost and the fear that I'll never have a baby or a family in the future two weeks later. It's a wound I'm sure I'll always carry around. I texted her at 4 am when iI was miscarrying telling her I was pretty sure that was what was happening but that I didn't want to talk about it.

Really, I didn't want to talk about it with her - after her response to the news in the first place, I didn't trust talking to her about it and what she would say. I probably shouldn't have even said anything, to be honest, but I'm bleeding heavily in the bathroom in the middle of the night and I texted my best friend to let her know.

She doesn't text me back until 2:30 the next day and sends a pretty generic text, in my mind, basically saying "I didn't know what to say, if you think this is happening then I'm sorry". I didn't respond. I didn't respond to most people that day, I was actively bleeding and crying and scared for myself, my baby, and my health. She never checked in again.

She didn't send me a text later to see if I was ok, how i was doing, if it was confirmed, if my husband (who is also her friend) was ok, nothing. Just the one generic "if that's what's happening then I'm sorry" and that's it. Three days later, I go to the OB who does an ultrasound and confirms that I did lose the baby. I shared on my socials that I went through a miscarriage.

I have always, for ten years, shared on my social media when I'm not ok. When I went through treatment, I shared. I've always shared. It's not for her and wasn't about her, it was about me and being honest with what happened and showing it's not something to be ashamed of. She saw my post (you can see who's seen your stories) but again, no texts or calls or anything to check in on me. Nothing.

Now to today, it's been over 2 weeks where she hasn't said a word to me at all. We went from talking literally every single day for 12 years to her ghosting me completely for two weeks while i'm actively going through the worst thing in my life. Today I sent a text basically saying "hey I don't know what's going on but you're not saying anything for two weeks has been upsetting me.

I gave you time to figure out a response and I'm confused why it's taken this long, but I'll be here when you're ready". Then I got these texts...now I'm just so confused. I don't know what she means when she says I've manipulated her, that I've love bombed her (by coddling her about my pregnancy to get her to calm the f down???), or that I'm always the victim and she's the bad guy.

I'm truly so confused and mad, am I manipulating? Was I wrong for getting pregnant in the first place? Should i have kept this a secret? I really don't know what I did wrong and i feel like I need some third party voices to help me see the truth. AITAH??

TL;DR: My best friend of 12 years is getting married this year after being engaged for two years, I was supposed to be her maid of honor. I'm in my 30s and married for 7 years and live in a non-abortion state, so my husband and I started trying for a family and got pregnant (due before her wedding date).

And she is upset that we didn't consider her wedding and that 2025 is the year of her wedding before getting pregnant. I miscarry the baby and she isn't there for me and I'm upset by her ghosting me, she tells me that I'm manipulative and selfish and I'm in the wrong for not wanting to talk her fiance down from the anxiety of throwing a 'wrench' in their wedding plans this year. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

EfficientSociety73 wrote:

NTA. She is not and never truly was your friend. Or I should say she was YOUR best friend. To her you were someone who made her feel better about herself. Her reaction to not having 2025 be all about her says that. No one gets a whole year just because they are getting married. Friends, real friends, celebrate the wins and grieve the losses together.

They don’t get mad because something might overshadow them. They get excited and hopeful. They cheer you on and pick you up. This girl treated you like a prop and when you didn’t fit into your box, that was too much for her to handle.

She is selfish and rude. You are truly better off without her. I hope you do get to be a Mom because I think you’ll make one hell of a good one. Lots and lots of love and I’m so sorry you have to grieve a lost baby AND a lost friend all at the same time.

OP responded:

Wow, this reply is truly so touching, thank you.

PuzzleheadedTap4484 wrote:

She’s not your friend. Stop apologizing to her and telling her everything for her to blame you or let you down. A friend would have been happy for you to be pregnant and been sad and/or empathetic during your loss. I would block her and move on. I’m sorry you two grew a part but she’s not a nice person.

And her fiancé needs to grow TF up. He needs to be “talked down” because you got pregnant? Jesus, he’s pathetic and so is she. They sound like narcissists. A lot of women have miscarriages and/or stillbirths but never talk about it. It’s about 1 in 4. If you consider early miscarriages (first 5-6 weeks) I bet that statistic is higher because a lot of women unless they’re tracking don’t know they’re pregnant.

I didn’t have my first baby until I was almost 32 and the last one I was 3 weeks before 36. I had a coworker have both kids in her 40s. You got some time. I would suggest some grief therapy to cope with the loss because even though it’s early on in the pregnancy, it’s still a loss of a baby, a future of that child, and it changes you.

OP responded:

This is why I shared on socials - it has nothing to do with her and I didn't think about her at all when posting about it. It's something women don't talk about, like we're supposed to be quiet and ashamed of it, which is why I shared it. Why lie and hide why I'm not ok? But she thinks I'm childish, because I guess she thinks that me posting about it somehow has to do with her as well? I don't know.

Processing all of this in the past month has been eye-opening. For myself and how I handle things as well as some trauma that i knew about but need to continue to work on for my own mental wellbeing, as well as the friendship that I thought I had with her. I'm at a loss at how this even happened and truly didn't think she'd respond in this way.

I have a lot of things to process in therapy, and I have been in talks with my therapist about this already today and see her multiple times a week in general. Thank you for your reply, I'm glad you were able to have children and I am hopeful that I will be able to have my rainbow baby as well.

This won't stop us from trying again, but it has been devastating, and dealing with this from my best friend while grieving the loss of this baby has been a lot.

Fluff3594 wrote:

I don’t blame you at all for being hurt and angry. You have every right to feel betrayed by her behavior. It’s not just selfish, it’s cruel. A true friend would have been there for you, celebrating your joy during the pregnancy and supporting you through your grief after the loss. Instead, she’s shown that her priorities revolve entirely around herself and her wedding.

You’ve done nothing wrong here. You’ve tried to be supportive, accommodating, and understanding, and she’s repaid that by making everything about her and abandoning you when you needed her most. If she doesn’t reflect on her actions and make a serious effort to repair this, I don’t see how the friendship can recover. You deserve better. full stop. NTA. She owes you an apology, and she needs to grow up.

lakehop wrote:

NTA. Having a baby is basically one of the most important things to happen in your life, and you don’t know how long it will take to get pregnant. Could be a months, could be years. So there is no way to precisely time a birth.

And if you wait too long, you reduce the chances. So anyone who’s ready for a baby shouldn’t wait to start trying. So, NTA for getting pregnant with a due date just after her wedding, especially as you were determined to be her maid of honour anyway (and if you had to step down, it would still have been NTA). For her to say 2025 is her “year” sounds a bit crazy.

No one gets to reserve a year that others cannot have any major event in their lives. She should clearly have supported you while you were going through the miscarriage. Both of you sound like you have a very, very emotionally intense friendship. Maybe letting it cool down a little isn’t a terrible thing. But hopefully you can stay friends. Old friends are precious.

Outside-Medicine-264 wrote:

NTA. She's not your friend, friends don't treat each other this way, a true friend would be happy for you being pregnant, all she cares about is herself. I suggest not going to her wedding and cutting her and her toxic husband off for good. Quit trying to please her, grow a spine, and stand up for yourself don't allow ppl to treat you this way.

Over a year later, OP shared an update:

So essentially, it's been over a year since all of this happened. Since the night I made this first post and sent my final text message to her, basically saying that I was upset in how I was being treated and was open and hoping to work it out together before her wedding, she blocked me on every single social media or place possible (like even her Steam account?).

I actually am unsure if my text even went thru, to be honest, because we both have iPhones and usually my sent texts turn blue but that text never changed from black to blue. So maybe she blocked me right away? I really have no clue.

But she blocked me everywhere, stopped talking to me immediately, just ghosted me from that point onward. What was originally a fear for her that I would miss her wedding because of my pregnancy was the reality, because I haven't spoken to her since January of 2025.

I still think of her often, I still have very confused feelings and sadness that comes in giant waves (though, they get smaller and easier each day that passes). Therapy and support from my husband and family has helped me deal with the grief as much as I can. It's weird to grieve someone that you know is still alive, yknow?

But yeah, she decided I guess that our 12 year friendship wasn't salvagable and I had no say in that. I know she got married, but I wasn't there for it. I'll never understand. I'll never understand her decisions or why, but I'm reconnecting with older friendships and focusing on myself as much as I can.

This past year, I got hit with that miscarriage and friendship loss, my biological mother dying, and being laid off and going through those things without her really showed me what I'm capable of and the real friendships and family I have to help me through it. And the very best update of them all - my rainbow baby is literally due any second. Yup, you read that right.

The baby I was so scared would never happen to me after miscarrying the first one did happen and she'll be here literally any moment. I'm sad my daughter won't know my ex-best friend, and I'm more sad for her that she'll never know my daughter.

I really do wish things had been different, but I also don't want anyone in my daughter's life that doesn't truly love her or care about her and I'm certain my ex-best friend wouldn't, at least not now.

Going through a layoff while pregnant was also a huge stressor, but I'm also hopefully about to land a new job too (final interview this week!) that'll start when I'm recovered. Things are finally starting to feel like they're falling into place.

Thanks again for all the perspective you helped me with. It allowed me to process and bring things into therapy that helped me and has also helped me look inward at myself to be stronger for my daughter and husband, but also for myself.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

keatonpotatoes wrote:

Happy to hear this update, but there’s something I’m not understanding. Why did you mention multiple times in your initial post that you got pregnant in a non-termination state? I’m just not understanding the connection. Was your “friend” going to make you get a termination so you wouldn’t be pregnant at her wedding or something? She sounds awful so I’m glad the trash took itself out regardless.

OP responded:

It's not that she would have wanted me to have an abortion, at least I'd hope not. It's that being a state where my ability to get an termination isn't possible and risk goes up with age, I didn't feel it was cool of her to expect us to pause our lives for a year and wait to try for kids again, just because she was getting married in 2025. That's what she was expecting.

Formal_Blueberry_973 wrote:

Congratulations on your rainbow baby! I had an ex-best friend ghost me after a 15ish year friendship. I don’t know why, but it does get easier. I sometimes still think about the good memories I had with her, but have no desire to reach out to her anymore. I wish her well and that’s about all.

VegetableBusiness897 wrote:

Congrats on your babe OP! On to the greatest part of your life. Reading your update, I can't help but reflect on the vid post about a bride/groom and wedding party that showed up at the hospital in their wedding attire, after their ceremony to meet the MOH and her new child.

She had gone into labor before the ceremony and they all went to to celebrate. That is a true friend. You will find yours. Maybe it will be your daughter.

Purple_Paper_Bag wrote:

NTA. I hope you can see what we can all see. This woman wasn't your friend unless you did exactly what she wanted. When she wanted to talk, she would tell you to call her - and you did. When you shared good news with her, she got angry. When you shared bad news with her, she backed off and left you without support. Best wishes on your impending arrival.