'AITA for getting upset with my husband over hand-me-down clothes for our newborn?' UPDATED

"AITA for getting upset with my husband over hand me down clothes for our newborn?"

Hey y’all. So my mom lives a few states away and is not able to help prepare for her first grandchild the way she’d like to unfortunately. A friend of hers asked her if I’d like some baby clothes, some slightly worn and some never used before. I said of course! And my mom went through all the clothes and washed it and mailed it to me.

So when we received the box of clothes I was pretty excited to go through it as we haven’t bought anything baby related yet. As I mentioned, this is my husband and my first child. I think I showed him maybe two pieces of clothing and I could already tell he was unhappy.

He said we’d just donate all this stuff to Goodwill because he wanted to buy all new clothes for our baby to which I said ofc we will still buy new clothes but it’s nice to have a good amount of clothes, especially since they go through clothes like crazy, or so I’ve heard anyway. He just said no, that his child won’t wear hand me downs so I stopped showing him clothes and started packing up the box.

So he then asked why I was upset and that he still wanted to see stuff but I didn’t see the point anymore as he’d pretty much ruined the moment and gesture for me at that point. I know it’s not new clothes but my mom was just trying to help and she literally went through the mountain of clothes and washed every single item. The box smelled amazing when I opened it!

Idk...it hurt my feelings honestly for him to dismiss it like that and just say we’d donate it all without even taking the time to look through it and I guess because this is the first time we look at baby stuff together it hurt even more? He got upset then saying he didn’t understand why I was making him “the bad guy” for saying he wants to buy all new clothes.

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

chloepcon wrote:

NTA. You're doing good for the environment and your wallets! As long as their clean and not destroyed, it doesn’t matter.

imdonewiththisnow wrote:

I've never once heard a rational person say "thank God I got new clothes for my baby that they outgrew in a month, I'm so glad they weren't used." Baby clothes are pretty pointless new if you can get used! It can be nice to get a couple cute photo outfits, but it's not worth spending $100 in something for a month or two.

PM_ME_YER_MUDFLAPS wrote:

Yep, the husband doesn’t really seem to understand that baby clothes are expensive disposable items. Babies make a mess and grow fast, you might as well go all in on hand me downs until at least the toddler years.

imdonewiththisnow wrote:

Yeah, he probably has the mindset of hand me downs being a symbol of "poor." But the kid won't know the difference until it gets to be 7 or so. The they can worry bout the hot new fashions that are really the same thing with different pop stars attached to them.

thatbihh17 wrote:

NTA - It's your baby too and you have a say in what they wear?? Babies do go through clothes like crazy and there's no reason to get everything new when you have access to hand me downs because so much will have to get thrown out/handed down anyways. He got upset then saying he didn't understand why I was making him "the bad guy."

This seems like a red flag...it's manipulative and also gaslighting. You weren't upset with him for wanting to buy new clothes you were upset because he completely shut you down and made it seem like your used clothing was not good enough for his baby. He got caught being a dick about this and decided to turn it onto you and make it about him being upset.

[deleted] wrote:

Seconded. OP, when your husband reduces your argument like that you need to stand up. You needed to say something like

“Don’t twist my words, I am not upset about you wanting to buy new clothes, I even said ‘of course we will buy new clothes still’ so buying clothes isn’t the problem.

I am upset because I was excited to share our first parental moment together going through these clothes, and immediately telling me that you don’t want the clothes and want to throw them out made me feel like you didn’t care for my mom’s kind gesture in giving us these, and made me feel like you didn’t care about going through the clothes with me at all.

I mean, why would we go through clothes we have no intention on keeping? If you had only wanted to buy new things for the baby, we should’ve discussed this earlier. We will have to budget hard in order to make that work, so let’s sit down and figure out what clothes will cost us from the baby onesies up to 5T, and what we will need to cut from our costs to make that happen.”

You need to. Address why what he said was incorrect, “I did not say x I said y." Use I feel statements to try and lessen the supposed “blame” on him and explain what you really meant so you can work together on the issue and address his alleged argument and offer a solution.

In this case, address that he isn’t TA for only wanting new clothes and offer a way to make it happen. The added benefit of that last one is him budgeting with you and realizing that hand me downs are the way to go.

Five years later, OP shared an update.

I got curious about my original post from a throw away account and felt like providing an unnecessary and not at all requested updated. I kept all the hand me downs. I genuinely don’t recall as it’s been 5 years what led to it no longer being an issue but I think he understood where I was coming from.

We bought a lot of new clothes for our baby together and had fun going to buy buy baby back when it still existed and seeing all the baby stuff and shopping what we needed. It was a mix of seeing all the other costs (monitor, stroller, crib, mattress, etc) pile up but also understanding my moms good heart to appreciate all the clothes she sent.

Let me tell you, it took a hot minute to put it all away. You know the XL Home Depot moving boxes? She sent one of those STACKED w all sort of baby clothes. If I remember correctly shipping alone was $100+ as it was going coast to coast.

For all those worried he was gaslighting and being manipulative, we are fine 🩷 had another baby together 2 years later and still happily married. Ofc our second was a girl lol so while she did get a lot of hand me downs from her brother, she got a lot of cute girly things of her own. For what it’s worth, it has all been a huge learning experience for us both as I’m sure it is for any new parent.

We (he) learned to embrace the hand me downs and some of my most sentimental pieces worn by both of our kids were not new when we received them. We learned how quickly kids go thru clothes and how if you really look at it, aside from the blowouts, baby clothes get the LEAST use. They’re just drooly potatoes. Toddler clothes is a whole other ball game. The knees on clothes don’t stand a chance!!

All this to say, we learned to communicate about a lot and while we still disagree about even more we are always in a position to discuss it and work thru it. He is an amazing father, and some of you hit the nail on the head when you said he might be basing his worth on what he can provide for them. Most importantly, what he constantly gives them even on his busiest days, is his time.

And all the hand me downs? Well the pile grew with our additions and we happily gave it to one of his cousins who had their first baby about a year ago, with my holding back my most sentimental pieces for keepsakes. My mom’s a seamstress so I’ve challenged her to make a teddy bear with them, I just need to ship them to her. She’s come out and visited multiple times and vice versa but that’s always forgotten.

The internet was happy to hear an update.

LeastInstruction2508 wrote:

Oh the delusions of first time parenthood. All new clothes for a baby lol. Glad he got off that quickly.

mismoom wrote:

A friend has patchwork quilts made for each child (they’re all 15+) made of different fabrics from their childhoods. Baby blankets, soccer team or day-camp jerseys, hallowe’en costumes, etc. I want a do-over (grandchild!) to make such a collection.

OP responded:

I love this. Every vacation we’ve taken I’ve gotten them t shirts from the place so I can make them a quilt of them all when they turn 18. May or may not have stolen that from twilight 😂.

PyroMaster123 wrote:

This was such a wholesome update. Honestly it makes a lot of sense now that you explained it becoming new parents comes with so many emotions, expenses, and expectations, so of course the clothes felt like a bigger deal at the time. I love that you both found a balance between enjoying the fun of buying new things together and appreciating the love behind the hand me downs.

The way you describe the “droolly potato” stage made me laugh because it’s so true newborn clothes barely see any wear before the next growth spurt. It’s sweet that those little outfits ended up holding sentimental value instead of resentment, and even sweeter that you passed them on to someone else starting their journey.

The teddy bear idea from your mom is going to be such a beautiful keepsake. It sounds like you and your husband learned the most important thing not to avoid disagreements, but to actually work through them. Your kids will carry that lesson just by watching you two.