"AITA for getting upset with unexpected visitors?"
My husband and I have lived in our house for a few years now, based in a major travel hub in the Midwest. Because of the fact that it is a city where many pass through or fly out of for travel, we tend to get friends and family that stay the night before carrying on with their travels. I'm fine with this, as long as a proper heads up is given (I would consider this a few days).
However, 3-5 times a year, my husband's friends and family seem to want to just drop in and use our home as an overnight hotel. There have been numerous instances where my husband will let me know the day of that he has friends or family that are wanting to stay the night.
Keep in mind, these are trips that were pre-planned, and that they knew were happening for multiple weeks. Rather than checking in a few days or weeks prior and asking if it was okay, it's assumed that it's okay to just drop in.
This drives me absolutely crazy and gives me huge anxiety. We're not a household that stays "guest ready", every time someone drops in with a few hours' notice, it takes us a few hours to get the house ready, make up the beds, and buy a few essential grocery items to get us through breakfast (we eat out almost exclusively, so we don't always have milk/bread/eggs etc.).
Most recently, my husband messaged me while I was in a meeting around noon that SIX of his family members are staying the night because their flight is getting in around 11 PM.
This is a trip that has been planned for months, and this could have been pre-planned and agreed upon many weeks ago. Even a day ago would have been better than this! I was not in on the trip details, so was not aware of when they were coming home, just that they were going on a trip sometime in January.
I've had numerous discussions that over time have become instant arguments with my husband that I don't feel comfortable with people just dropping by, I didn't grow up that way, and my home is my safe place; I don't want to feel on edge dreading when the next drop in will occur.
I work a full time, demanding job and am also in school, so I really value having time to decompress. It seems like it's a cycle, we have a conversation where he tells me someone unexpectedly is staying, we argue, and then depending on the situation I begrudgingly cave and the scrambling begins or I put my foot down, piss off my husband and come off the AH to friends and family.
At this point, I can't tell if I'm being too rigid and need to be more flexible and welcoming, or if this is a reasonable boundary. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Don't buy groceries, clean or make the beds for last minute guests. Your husband will get sick of doing it all himself.
Definitely this. Just sit back, put your feet up and if anyone asks for anything say - hubby said he would take care of his guests/ hubby will get it for you. But seriously, don't help him or them.
Don't help and also don't share. Make single meal for you. Put your bathroom toiletries in your room. It will actually be difficult at first. But once you start saying no, momentum will build behind you and it'll be much easier.
Yep this. I would go one further and stay veerrry late at work or go out after work with my friends. In the case of the 11pm arrival I would be in bed so hubby can get up and do the welcoming. Leave early in the am. Leave it for him.
I think your Husband is an a hole frankly. I am more of an introvert and if my husband did this it would end us. He can’t care much for you if he lets the comfort and convenience of others take precedent over his wife.
And when you do see the guests, "Oh, I wish I could spend time with you/make breakfast/do XYZ, but I had no idea you were even coming until 2 hours ago. I might have been able to make arrangements if I had known in advance. But oh well, maybe next time if I find out ahead of time. Hubs gave you the greenlight so he's handling it all. I have to go to work - Bye!!"
Love it!! I would probably go home, pack a bag, and tell him this is a YOU problem. Check into a nice hotel, bottle of On the Rocks Old Fashioned, pile up, and watch movies. But I’m petty like that!
NTA. Don’t make the house “guest-ready.” They can make their own beds, go out for breakfast, etc. Take it off your shoulders; you are not operating a B&B.
I'd just book a hotel for myself for the night and ler him deal with it. Bet it would be the last short notice ever? This guy didn't have to face the consequences of his dealings because OP just "caved" every time to save face.
INFO: are these friends/family springing this on husband too or does he also know, but just telling YOU last minute. You have put your foot down before, now stick to it. Sit on the couch while he runs ragged for the people who LAND at 11pm and will likely be at your house in the middle of the night.
Or if you work tomorrow? I'd head to a hotel myself. With a spa. Their lack of forethought does not make an emergency for you. NTA though. 💯 Your husband is also an AH.