Betrayed GF catches BF in lie over hidden promotion and second girlfriend. AITA? + UPDATE
"I have been long distance with my boyfriend for three months because he was temporarily sent away on a work project. It turns out, he misled me when he said 'temporarily' and actually won't be coming back."
I had been dating Lawrence for four months when he told me he was being sent away for work. He works as a project manager and had to move across the country to help with a new development.
I really enjoyed being with Lawrence and was sad that he was moving away. But I made it clear that I did not want to do long distance. It wasn't for me. I had tried it with other boyfriends in the past with little success.
"But it's only three months!" was what he said to me. We talked about it more in depth and he explained to me that he only had to be there for the initial launch and to help get things moving, and then they were sending him back after 3 months. We talked more about the situation and I agreed to it. Three months was not bad at all, and it's not like I wanted to be with anybody else.
He was an incredibly caring and attentive long distance boyfriend. It was hard the way that all long distance relationships were hard, but he put in a LOT of effort to make things work. He even surprise visited me once a month.
Well, Reddit. It has been 3 months. And guess what? He's not coming back. He just told me that he actually sent away permanently. Not to help set up, but to run the whole development. It was a big promotion for him.
But he didn't want to let me go and he knew I was not willing to do long distance, so he basically lied. He figured that if I got a taste of what long distance with him was like, I would change my mind and want to stay with him.
He doesn't understand why I am furious. The big part of WHY I have been okay with doing long distance with him is BECAUSE I knew it was temporary. It's like he tried to trap me into a longer relationship.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to do long distance, even if he does visit me once a month. But I am especially angry that he doesn't understand why what he did was not okay. He basically stole three months from me.
He is coming back this weekend. I had a whole thing planned for it. I got us a nice hotel at a nearby beach and booked restaurant reservations. Except now his "return" is actually just another "visit".
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"What do I do?"
Cancel your reservations. If you can, go out of town for the weekend.
Holy crap. Wow. I'm really sorry. :( You knew before he left that you didn't want to do the LDR thing and he still lied and tried to force you into being okay with it by putting on a front that this was temporary.
What's he going to lie about next? His name? That he didn't really go for a job? I mean at this point, lying in a relationship (that's only been going on for four months!!) is okay according to him. You need to break up with him. Here is my suggestion on how:
"Lawrence, you were right. I really do love long distance relationships. Would you like to know why? Because it makes it so much easier to weed out liars and never have to speak with them again."
Harsh but true. What a jerk. Can you change your reservations to just you and enjoy a nice weekend away for yourself to deal with this (hopefully) break-up?
Sooo looks like his plan worked because it sounds like you're considering it? Or you wouldn't have posted here saying "I don't know what to do" despite adamently denying you would want to be in a LD relationship. I mean being in a LDR is one thing, but being in a LDR with someone who conned you into it is quite another.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
I'm literally shaking as I type this. So much has happened in the mere DAYS since I posted. So, after reading and considering all your comments, I broke up with him immediately.
I honestly didn't even want to wait to do it in person because I was so angry, AND because I had decided to do the romantic beach trip with my best friend instead, so I wasn't going to wait for him to get there.
I explain very clearly why what he did was such an awful thing to do to a person. He apologies for lying to me for months. He's sad and hurt about what happens, tries to convince me to stay with him, all that BS, but I am firm and he eventually accepts it.
The next day he is in a Facebook relationship with somebody else. I check his Facebook and all of a sudden there are MONTHS of posts of him an this new girl visible to me, posts that he had clearly hidden from me that he made available to me now.
They clearly have been together for the last two months. I freak out. I call and text him, nothing. I message him on Facebook, nothing. Radio silence. He's totally cut me out.
I am INFURIATED, and I message this new girl on Facebook. I don't want to waste my time with this, so I type up a long message explaining our relationship, including screenshots of our texts, pictures of us together, even photos of gifts/cards he has given me. New girl responds (and this is an exact quote):
"Yeah, he told me you would to this. Listen, from one woman to another, please consider getting some professional help. You can't keep doing this every time he enters a new relationship. It's unhealthy. Learn to move on. I am now blocking you. Please do not try to contact me again."
SO. Yeah. That's it. I'm in shock, I'm humiliated, I'm so angry. I'm leaving for the beach with my best friend this evening, which will be much, much needed.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
What an AH. Don't worry she will figure it out in time. I wonder though. The information you sent her. How recent is it? Any proof of you guys being in a relationship like very recently?
longdistancedeceptio (OP)
Yeah, they were recent photos of us. I even attached screenshots of my photo albums within iphoto that had dates on them. The screenshots of our text messages are also dated. I feel like he must have elaborately prepared for this to happen, or something. Because she was so unfazed by everything I sent her.
Oh by the way I have informed girls at least 3 or 4 times in my life when I have found out the guy is cheating on both of us with each other. Every single time they have lashed out on me but I would still do it again if it ever happens to me again because I believe it really is the right thing to do.
A lot of the time with these guys their bad behavior has to add up over time for someone to get the full picture and I know my words will always be in the back of their mind. Here is my tip for if this ever happens again and you have to tell the other girl that a guy has been two-timing with you.
The one time this went over pretty well, I actually told her very little details, but I said she should ask a third party if she wanted to know more. And that third-party is a highly regarded person. So it was harder for her to be in denial because it wasnt coming from me.
I cannot imagine how gifted a liar Lawrence must be that OP send timestamped photos/texts proving that he's a no-good cheater and her response was Get Therapy. The only way I can imagine believing him is if the advance preparation came with proof of OP having sent previous messages to more recent exes, so his imagination must outrank mine.
If Lawrence was able to get a big promotion involving moving, starting something up and running it, while being able to maintain an attentive LD relationship with OP trying to make her stay.
And create a new relationship strong enough two months in that she ignores timestamped messages, then Lawrence does this for sport. Making the facebook posts available to her was her punishment for making him "lose" before he said so.