GF's weird living situation with rich older man raises red flags; 'I don’t trust her.' AITA?
"My (27m) gf (26f) moved in with a wealthy older man, and now I don’t trust her"
Ok-Highway-8948
Me and my gf have been together for 7 years most of it we either lived together or saw each other daily. About 2 years ago she took a new job that required her to live at a residence (Like a maid).
I was sad I wouldn’t see her but the pay was going to be amazing and I was happy for her. Then I started to get really suspicious of small things like when we were together she would talk about him not in a boss kind of way?
It’s hard to explain but it was way more personal which, she does live there, so I get it but like she can use his car whenever and everyone else in her family have met him except me.
Then she started going over to other members of his family. About 7 months ago she quit that job and started another, but is still living there… she says he’s just being kind while she gets her stuff together.
The biggest thing though is that when I ask to meet him she denies and one time I went to pick her up and the guy she lives with’s friend came to greet me thinking I was her brother and when I said no I’m her boyfriend he looked shocked like he just heard some tea he wasn’t supposed to.
But when she got in the car and I asked her she had no idea why he would think that. They have since moved to a location she won’t tell me. I’m at a loss. I love her but I feel betrayed. But, also I don’t even know if I have been.
I’m not sure what to do. My family assumes she’s been unfaithful and I should walk away I have no one to really talk to about it. I don’t want to feel like I wasted 7 years of my life.
How should I go about talking/confronting her about this? I don’t want to just all out accuse her of cheating or whatever but I can’t continue being in a relationship if I don’t trust her at all.
I have asked her if she wants to live there forever or be with him and she has said no every time and that she loves me and only sees herself with me but this was supposed to be a 9 month job and now it’s been that long that she’s lived there rent free just as a favor according to her… how should I go about this?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
ChewySlinky
My girlfriend moving and refusing to tell me where would be an immediate relationship ender without any of the other stuff.
The OP responded here:
Ok-Highway-8948
It kinda came out of nowhere. She just told me she moved casually one day Tbf I haven’t cornered her and demanded an exact address but I’ve never been over to pick her up since the friend incident at the old house.
ChewySlinky
You should not even have to ask. You knowing where your girlfriend lives should be the default. She hasn’t told you because she doesn’t want you to know. It’s not impossible that she’s not actively sleeping with him and is just his sugar baby, but I would say it’s pretty unlikely. And regardless, she’s still lying to you.
mi_nombre_es_ricardo
So 7 years together but she wont tell you where she lives? And you don’t know the sugar daddy that she lives with? But her family does?? Bro you’re the side piece.
Beneficial_Syrup_869
Are you sure it’s a job and she’s not his sugar baby? It’s not a waste of 7 years, you learned from this relationship but don’t get lost in the sunk cost fallacy. She doesn’t care about your feelings and it shows, move on and find somebody who will tell you where they live.
dfwphotographer111
Dude. You do realize your gf is with this guy in exchange for money, gifts, and/or a place to live, right? You have to understand this is a sugar daddy situation. There is no way on earth that you walk around thinking, “Yup, ain’t nobody with my girl but me, yessiree!”
I cannot for one second believe that you are so blind that you think she’s not hastily scraping old man nutter butter out of her axe wound just seconds before you come over to pick her up.
If you’re going to sit there behind a keyboard and tell the world that you believe in your heart of hearts that this girl’s loose meat sandwich hasn’t been mayoed up by Viscount Viagra, then son I don’t even know how to help you.
CTDV8R
Okay, this situation sucks, let's unpack it to help you....
Yeah, you've spent seven years with her and love her. At this point your partner should be loyal, honest, caring and respectful to you...this is what love is, you don't want to hurt your partner, you want to raise them up!
Don't look back you're not going in that direction, don't say you don't want to feel like you wasted 7 years. In 7 years you had some very good times, you fell in love and the relationship has shifted, not within your control but it has shifted.
This happens, it's not fair, but isn't it great that it is not fair? Imagine if this was fair? Eep. You already know what we're going to say to you and yes we will validate the following...
It's outrageous that you have not met this person who is supposedly her employer It's outrageous that you do not know where your long-term girlfriend lives. It's not your imagination, his friend was surprised to find out about a boyfriend, that's jarring even if it's a platonic relationship.
You are a significant part of her life why don't they know? This is probably the hardest part... She will not give you the respect of a conversation! You are expressing a concern and she is dismissing it.
She is not showing you love the way you want to be loved in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with falling in love with the wrong person or them turning into the wrong person, it's only wrong when you stay. You deserve to be cherished, loved and adored; and you will be it's out there for you I promise.
Your family loves you. They're sharing their opinion because they don't want you hurt more than you are hurting, they are going to have your back and of course they're going to assume the worst because quite frankly she's not giving you anything to protect her story.
You asked how do you have this conversation / confront her? See this right here that is the biggest red flag of them all! When you are with somebody who loves you and you love them, conversations are much easier.
When you are truly sharing your life with somebody you go through hardships, but you usually go through them together. You may not always agree but you're a team. Right now she's not a team member. Okay that's her choice, but you have choices too. So what to do next?
Gather your thoughts, make notes so you don't get sidetracked or distracted. Now decide, before you speak with her, what is your plan a, b and c? You need to decide what you are willing to accept from her in this relationship and what you are not.
I know it doesn't feel like this right now, please trust me as an old woman, you are a young man with many years ahead of you, some especially great dating years are in front of you.
You know why? Because as you head into your thirties you have learned so much about yourself, about your morals, about what's important, your friends your hobbies your family.
These things change from your teens to your twenties and continue to change throughout your life, but going from your early twenties into your '30s I think a lot of change really happens.
If you decide you're not willing to accept this level of shadiness and unwillingness to be open with you, you have to walk away from her. You deserve better. Once you know exactly what you will and will not put up with, it's time to have the conversation with her.
When you have time with her say it's time to discuss your relationship. Go through the things that are bothering you, if she tries to debate you or tell you you're wrong, stick with the facts which is you are the boyfriend and you are uncomfortable with this lack of communication from her.
You can do this. Unfortunately it sounds like you really know what has to happen intellectually but emotionally you are not ready yet. That's okay a lot of us have been there, you stay with somebody much longer than you should because you're in love with who they used to be.
I'm really hoping this is not a true story, but if it is know that you have a lot of living ahead of you and you don't need a girlfriend who's going to disrespect you like this. Keep us posted!