'AITA if I break up with my GF for refusing to put my name on our kid's birth certificate?' + FINAL UPDATE

"WIBTA for ending a relationship because my partner refuses to put my name on our child birth certificate?"

Now ik what your thinking, with a title like that, maybe your overreacting or maybe ur being petty. But this is my story, I 21 m am currently having a child with a 20 F. We met about two years back on J1 work and travel program. At that time I was a second year college student pursuing a bachelor’s in secondary education double majoring in math in Jamaica.

I decided to give the j1 program a try after a recent heartbreak from my high school to college sweetheart. I signed up and had gotten a job , hoping for a fresh start. It was there that I later met the mother of my child Sarah. Sarah stood out to me, not because of how Damm beautiful and breathtaking she was, but because there was something about her that captivated me.

So, I did my research and asked around and discovered she was single. Then came the most nerve wrecking moment which was me asking her out, to which she said no. It took about 3 attempts of asking her I asked her out before she finally agreed and we then hit it off and we had great moments and also not so great moments.

Issue was both her friends and family weren’t my biggest fan, as they believed I was only with her for a green card. Anyways I later asked her to be my gf and my time came to return to my country and for her to go to college.

We video called on WhatsApp and did pretty well long distance. I visited her school and next summer I returned to her hometown once more for work. She also returned home and we went on various dates and was a bit more involved in family outings trying to get in good standing etc.

We discussed marriage and if she was comfy with it and surprisingly she wanted to do it there and then but I told her I’d like for us to finish school first. Anyways time came and once again I returned to my country and she went back to school. Which brings us to a few months ago. This is where my life became hell on earth.

After returning to school, we discussed her coming to Jamaica to celebrate her birthday. To which we were both excited, she ran it by her parents and they approved it. And so we got her the ticket and I picked her up in Kingston. Things were going well, we messed around, got her hair done, went to various attractions like beaches, falls etc. all of which she was excited to go to and we had fun with my family.

They were pretty chill, ofc she couldn’t understand our dialect sometimes but outside that it was fun. Her trip lasted a few days and eventually I had to drop her off at the airport which was very sad. A few days later I got a call saying she did a test and guess whaaaat…. She was pregnant.

Mighty God did my head hurt, my life flashed before my eyes, I asked her if she was sure and well she did a few more tests and guess what …. She was definitely pregnant. Having discovered that reality finally struck. We discussed options and well she decided she was gonna keep it and well I was like ok.

I started to research ways to get citizenship so that I can be there, high paying jobs, houses, cost for schools everything. She started talking about how we gonna be a family and raise a kid together etc.

I proposed marriage, to which her response was no, she claimed that she and her parents believed marriage would only be for the kid and nth more, and that I was using this opportunity to get a green card etc. things got even worse when I was suggesting the kid can visit in winter or so to which she remarked that she would have to confirm with her parents or it’s not safe for a child under 2 to travel etc.

Things progressed even more and it felt more like whatever I said or suggested had to be vetted by her and others around her before she would consider it. I voiced my concerns to which she remarked I was overreacting. To be fair she brings up things regarding the child and often asks for my opinion, but I feel as though whatever I say has to be vetted once again.

A thing that caused an argument was the matter of the child being circumcised, I don’t believe in it but Sarah does. In the end I feel as though I was immature on how I responded to it and it caused an argument to which I later apologized. In the end tho after doing health research she eventually decided to not do it.

Things were going well until, after talking I discovered that she preferred if the child not have my last name but instead hers. I was against this because to me that’s the greatest honor in having a child of ur own, to which she remarked I should be happy by the fact I get a child.

Her reasoning was that she’d be the one with the kid in the states and it would make it easier to pick up the child and that she’d have the child so it’s only fair. I told her that’s nonsense cause my name doesn’t affect her picking up the child. To which she said she’d be the one carrying and birthing the child etc.

Now at this point I’d believe the situation could not get any worse but welll it does. I after that argument which lasted weeks things calmed down and was okay until recently where I was looking at flights and stuff to come for her birth and stuff. That was the plan until she proposed my name not be on the Birth certificate because it makes it easier for the child to get a passport and travel to see me.

She said she’d researched it and it would be easier if my name wasn’t on the birth certificate because I’d have to travel there to sign up forms for passport and it takes a while and that’s a lot of expenses. I told her that I’m willing to pay it and I’d prefer my name be on the birth certificate to which she was displeased.

We got into another argument and she sent me a message stating it’s not her out to get me it’s what’s best for the child etc. I didn’t respond instead I did research and made a PowerPoint presentation disproving what she said with credible references etc.

She in response made a word document, stating it’s not personal and that it would make citizenship easier for the child, bear in mind she is an American citizen born and raised. She also mentioned about her insurance, that it would be cheaper if my name wasn’t on it.

I responded with more research disproving what she had said but then she said it would make things easier in case emergencies happen and she needs consent from the father. I told her I’d sign a consent form that she can have in her phone but then she said she’s not sure she wants to do that as it’s extra work for her. And I can just add my name later in life when I figure out my citizenship status.

I told her there’s no need for that and not having my name there is taking a way a right as a father. She then said the job of a father is to be there and I won’t be there consistently and she’ll have to raise him and it’s what best for him and her. I’ve been looking into getting my stay there as a teacher but I lack teaching experience as I’m a recent graduate as of next month.

Are there any parents here, fathers that can offer advice. What should I do? Anyone experienced anything like this? I don’t want any bashful comments about her just need solid advice anybody? AITA if I consider ending things over this?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

nazerall said:

That child ain't your's bro.

Misa7_2006 said:

Either she isn't pregnant and is just BSing you along to scam for money later or she is trying to get you to break things off. Don't do anything more until you can go there and get a paternity test done one to make sure if there is a child that it's yours and once that it has been established by tests that you are then you can petition the court to have your name listed as the father and have visitations ordered.

Hetakuoni said:

Sue her and get a court-ordered paternity test to establish paternity and get on that paper. Or don’t. Those are your options.

Either way, she’s treating you like a gold-digging parasite. Id keep all evidence of your conversations on record for your own peace of mind because I wouldn’t put it past her to start the parental alienation early. NTA.

And Super_Reading2048 said:

NTA. You need a court ordered paternity test and a custody agreement! She can get the paternity test done while pregnant after the first trimester! It is a blood test, so no excuse. OP above all you need a family lawyer and you should not live with her or marry her until you both are 100% sure that is your baby and that you want to build a life together.

OP later shared this first update:

First off I'd like to thank everyone who offered advice. It's been a lot, n it took me a while to catch up. But yeah I got some pretty solid advice. Before I go any further I'd like to confirm or clear up a few things.

1.) The aim was never to put down or talk down at anyone, I genuinely needed help and I wanted to know if anyone had experienced anything similar or maybe get an American perspective to see if I'm overreacting or I font know certain things.

2.) For those saying honor thing, I get it from your perspective but where I'm from it's the greatest joy as a guy to have a child carry on ur name. It's comparable to winning the lottery and it's normally criticized if the opposite occurs, unless the father is a dead beat or paternity is uncertain.

I understand from the other perspective that the woman carries the child and it should be afforded to her as well. That's why my main issue is not the last name but me not being on the birth certificate. Cuzz I'd legally have no right to the child.

3.) Ik I should have used protection. It's entirely on me. I fully accept that.

Some pretty solid advice was offered all with the suggestion of paternity test and legal actions. I had fully intended to get a paternity test done at birth to rule out that fear from my mind.

Tbh Sarah has never given me a reason to doubt her in the past, always have been the clingy type ( which I have no problem with) who wants to talk on the phone 24/7, I suggested to her to go out sometime n make friends as I didn't want her college experience to be remembered as just talking to a boy.

That said we were long distance so I'm not 100% sure absolutely nothing happened. I will be doing the test but to do it now is pretty expensive as thousands of usd equates to millions of jmd. So cheaper I get it done at birth.

I've had a talk with Sarah explaining how I feel about the situation and I'm willing to meet her in the middle so long as my name remains on the birth certificate. To which she remarked its just a piece of paper and it doesn't affect me being allowed to visit or not.

I asked her how she would feel if roles were reversed and she said it would suck but she's not the father and cannot be in my shoe only hers and gotta do what's best for her and saves her less work. So I don't think I'll win there. She has said she'd be willing to give the child my last name but will not list me on the birth certificate because it's easier.

A grounds for this is because I'm not a citizen and won't be present full time for at least 2 years. I fully plan on being there but like I said I'm lacking experience so I had planned on getting that while doing my masters. Then migrate to be a lecturer to earn enough money to support them both.

For those who said I'm only doing it for papers, I initially asked Sarah if she would be willing to live in Jamaica, to which she said no because she has all her family back home. So I decided to leave mine in order to make it work. After explaining everything n basically pouring my heart out, she said she thinks I'm emotionally manipulating her idk man. This whole thing is stressful

He then shared this second update:

I just told my parents, I haven't told them since the start of this, due to the fact that this entire thing is crazy and ik they too would find the situation very weird. It wasn't the easiest saying hey I have a kid but won't have a kid legally to them but they pretty much grasped the situation.

Their advice was to work with whatever demands the mother makes or whatever works for the mom as it's primarily the mom that has all the power though unfair as it is. Was literally the most heart breaking thing to hear. Ik I could get a lawyer but with the lawyer fees I'd basically be spending millions jamaican dollar just to see the child or more so be listed on his birth certificate. Crazy right ( 1us=158jmd).

So, I'm taking a commentor's advice who suggested visiting in person and try to talk things out. O BTW, yes I've seen videos n been on video calls . So she definitely is pregnant, I just can't say 100% it's mine and with everything my certainty keeps dropping. So I'll try to make a mends n get a test done at birth to confirm everything which is a few months away practically.

Like I said before tho, she said she won't stop me from being in the kids life but my name won't be added on the birth certificate. So I guess u take it where u can get it.

I really hope I can work all this out, some people were saying ghost her or not be there. But what if this kid is mine, I can't simply up n leave n abandon it. I made a mistake n as a result it's here, it never asked to be so I gotta man up uk. Just need to be sure he's my son.

I'll update u as life progresses hopefully she doesn't see this and if anyone else is going through this , I pray u get through it.

Two months later, OP shared this third update:

Okay, so it’s been a minute since my last update and since then a lot has happened. But first I’d like to thank you all for offering me advice on the matter, I really appreciate it. So in my last update I shared that I discovered that an adoption was being considered, well more so already made. I think that was it for me n I finally lost it, I said some horrible things.

Stuff which was completely out of frustration. After talking it over with a friend Kerry, I recognized my mistake and apologized to Sarah for what I said. Kerry also helped me structure my messages when addressing Sarah so that I come across the best way possible. She explained to me that it was a difficult time and maybe a different tone or approach could rectify the situation.

And so with her help we made a heart felt message to Sarah, apologizing and sharing that though I understood it was a tough time her decisions would ultimately cause issues down the line to see our child, she touched on other stuff as well, the best way possible. However it was to no avail, Sarah response was a cold and dismissive one.

It wasn’t until I spoke with a guy who had experienced something similar would everything change. A classmate of mine who had a child and experienced the same thing shared that the best action to take would be to leave her alone.

He shared that he recognized when he was in that situation that the other partner knew that they could use this to control him and so He just stopped overall and eventually when she realized it no longer worked she came around.

At that point I was beyond stressed and depressed, and with every message I get from Sarah my heart boiled and slowly I could feel whatever love I had drained my body and so after one day I finally snapped and just stopped. I stopped responding to messages, calls etc. within that day I received over 200 messages n calls.

When I finally responded Sarah sounded worried said she was scared I had died, I told her I was fine I just need to take some time cuz I don’t feel like myself when talking to her. She was super pissed, but after that the messages stopped and she blocked an unfollowed me on most things. Days went by then weeks and by then me and Sarah barely spoke.

During that time I realized I smiled more, and I felt lighter. I also started hanging out with Kerry more, we would talk about the kid, the next approach, etc. Kerry and I had been friends for the majority of my time at college but got closer in my final year.after time we started going out for lunch and we spoke at lengths end about the baby, life, our dreams, goals etc.

I broke down a few times when I thought about how my life was but despite that she was there. She encouraged me to check up on Sarah occasionally etc. this went on for weeks until It hit me that Kerry had the qualities I was looking for in a partner. Now ik what ur thinking n no nothing happened cause my life is pretty full right now.

I did share with kerrry my thoughts and how I viewed her changed to which she responded that she only saw me as a brother n I was like aite. We still hung out, call etc, until I realized Kerry behavior changed, she started getting pissed when I spoke to other classmates who were girls etc. and well ig you can tell where that headed.

We spoke about it, and ultimately we decided not to pursue anything until I was sure of the child’s paternity. She shared she wasn’t ready for that type of commitment if the child was in fact mine, which I completely understand. Nonetheless we still hung out until one night I received a call from Sarah.

She shared she thought about it n she realized where she had been selfish n acted poorly, n she thinks it was the hormone or fear ( this was around 7-8 months along), she also shared that she thought about it and wants us to get back together, she misses us and wants the baby to have a united family.

She shared that she is willing to compromise by allowing the child to have my last name but I won’t be on the birth certificate.At the time I received the call I was with Kerry.

After the call Kerry remarked that she wants her man back so what do I wanna do, I told her I’m not sure what to do. She then advised me to tell Sarah that I’ll give her my answer after exams as currently my interest is geared at passing my finals. For reference it was my final year and it was extremely important that I passed these exams as my scholarship could be revoked, which would put me in debt.

I shared with Sarah, to which she said she understood etc. my finals were in may and after that I’d leave for j1 again but in a different state. During the period leading up to exams me n Kerry would hang out, study together, encourage each other and she’d offer me advice regarding the baby dilemma and also encourage me to check up on Sarah etc.

Eventually I sat my finals, aced them and then it was the big day graduation. It was great Kerry and I took lots of photos, my parents were there everyone, even Sarah streamed it online which I was surprised, I graduated with a bachelors in Education.
Afterwards Kerry and I went on a date and honestly it was nerve wrecking but was still great, though we didn’t call it a date. We got food were matching in red etc.

And before you know it time passed and it was time for me to head back to the states. However I kept thinking about what Sarah said and how I felt and what it would look like if we were to ever get back together. And so at the airport I gave her my answer. I explained that though I care deeply and want a united family. I can’t see myself at peace in a relationship where my opinions and feelings are not valued etc.

Additionally I want to get married n she doesn’t and to add to that her family doesn’t like me and with how easily influenced she is no one will ever have my side. To which she asked if I’m being serious and that, she didn’t know not being on the birth certificate was such a big diss and we can do it etc. however I told her it was too late and then I had to hurry to catch my flight.

I arrived at the states and at that time Sarah had returned home, we spoke occasionally but with work and everything little time was there however Kerry kept ensuring I checked in with sarah check on the baby etc. we would video call talk about the baby plans, how to deal with Sarah etc. at which point Sarah started showing more interest too, which leads me to a current predicament I’m in.

Sarah texted and shared she don’t know why she was opposed to marriage and that she wants to do it and wants us to work and she realized she was wrong but she’s trying now etc. Kerry also shared her thoughts on marriage if the child wasn’t mine, that being under 2 years of dating much like how I always wanted things.

I’ve been transparent with Kerry throughout the whole thing and we had made plans to purchase a paternity kit and get the test done after birth, which was a month away. Till then she shared that I should be supportive and encouraged check ins etc.

Fast forward, I purchased a paternity kit from Amazon lab n shipping included and was now waiting for birth. Sarah family decided it was best to use their last name due to family insurance coverage extension etc. however the compromise was I could use my last name as the child’s middle name. And discuss the first name, we made a list of first names and added it to her list to which she said she’d go through.

Kerry and I love the name khai and it was one of the top contenders, all to which Sarah agreed. During a doctor check up it was discovered that Sarah was hypertensive and that this pregnancy was high risk. She eventually had to be induced, which lasted 3 days and on June 18 our son was born.

I was working 3 jobs and was extremely worried, at times I had break downs etc and I wanted to fly in to be there, however due to my contract and how last minute it was, I wasn’t able to make it. Originally I had anticipated a July birth and had planned to give my employer a 2 week notice but with the induction the lil guy was here much sooner.

Both child and Sarah are okay and recovering, I’m ending my contract early in August to fly there to see the child and get the test done and know once and for all. Before the birth I had shared with Sarah that I want to get a test done, to which she wasn’t opposed but offended that I’d even consider it. She also lamented that it was a waste of money but sure be my guest.

She is confident that he is in fact my son, so if we will see what happens. Kerry was extremely worried for Sarah and called every minute for updates during birth, we are both happy she is ok and she was more delighted than I was to see a photo of the little guy. He doesn’t resemble me but ik genetics are crazy so the only way to know is a test.

I thought we would name him Khai but Sarah decided he doesn’t look like a khai and that she knows khais and instead chosen to give him what id describe as white names idk. Despite my attempts, her persistence exists and in the end ig the compromise we arrived at was she’d slap in my suggestion in the middle name as well.

Just like the other one, I’m not sure how I feel about this , slowly I feel myself getting more resentful towards Sarah . Ik you might be saying it’s just a name but for me it feels as though my wishes, feelings everything is all being taken for granted or not even valued.

Why bother asking me for my choice and opinions if ur always gonna go with someone else’s idk, maybe I’m the @$$hole. Also we are keeping the child , I’ve bought diapers, stroller and other essentials she’ll need. An agreement we’ve arrived at is we’ll do the name attachment to the birth certificate during my visit. So if there’s that.

But that’s it for now I’ll update u in a month. I have spoken with lawyers as well and it is a tough situation, the fees are sky high and me not being a citizen does not help.

Three months later, OP shared this fourth and final update:

Where to start I guess, In my last post I had shared my intent to visit to get the clarity I needed. Prior to this I had ordered a paternity kit from Amazon and had informed Sarah my intent to get the test done. She wasn't pleased of course but said if that's what puts my mind at ease go for it. I requested time off from my contract, booked a hotel and flew to Minnesota.

Sarah picked me up and for the first time since birth I met the Lil guy hes so tiny. Was a long silent and awkward drive back. Sarah brought up a few questions like how was my flight etc, and I answered and asked how was things , pretty much small talk until the little guy started crying. So we had to make a few diaper stops. Sarah looked exhausted and at one point as if she was falling asleep behind the wheel.

I offered to drive but she refused and said she was fine.it was obvious she hadn't been getting much sleep, I sensed the little guy must have been keeping her up all night, but wasn't sure what to say.

We eventually reached our destination and settled in, I unpacked the toys and souvenirs I had bought for both Sarah and the baby as well as collected some clothes I had ordered and shipped to Sarah for both the baby and myself. Due to the fact that the state I was had heavy sales tax.

After that I held the baby and Sarah fell asleep. It was just me and the Lil guy for a but chilling and watching TV, until he eventually fell asleep in my arms and then I found myself sleepy too. So I then layed him down in his crib.

Shortly after that he woke up and started crying and it was then I realized why Sarah was so tired. I attended to him in an attempt to not wake Sarah and well we just chilled for a bit and he fell asleep once he was in my arms. Once I tried putting him down he'd wake up so I decided to just leave him be.

After some hours Sarah had woken up and then we went to get food. After we returned we ate and had a talk . This was the first in person talk we had since the baby so I suppose it was needed to clarify things.

I started with that im glad she's ok and apologized for not being able to be there sooner. Then asked how she was, pain , stuff like that. We then discussed what had happened, tried to convey how crazy the situation was n shared feelings etc. She admitted that she recognized that she behaved a bit crazy. I asked if she saw how she made an already difficult situation more difficult to which she partially agreed.

I apologized for how I handled the situation and my choice of words . She asked if i was still mad at her and if i hated her. I told her i resented how she made me feel and her actions but i cant hate her or be mad at her. We then talked some more and afterwards called it a wrap for the day, however we were woken several times at night bu the baby.

The next day came and I changed my first diaper and dressed the kido. Really had me thinking I missed a few of these and how strong Sarah had been doing it by herself. I pretty much had the kiddo to myself as Sarah was asleep most of the time. Seemed as though she hadn't gotten much sleep. During that time I bonded with the baby and also took the opportunity to retrieve samples for testing.

I decided not to bring it up in an attempt not to upset Sarah but with everything I had to know fs. When Sarah had awoken I asked her to watch the baby for a minute and then drove to post the samples to the lab via fed ex. It wouldn't be until another 3-5 business days before I received the results. I spent my time there going on outings, parks, museums, attractions, dinner and doing family photos.

I had pre-order matching outfits for all of us to do a family shoot. It was great really, ofc I had alot of diaper changing but it was an experience. I still spoke with kerry during my visit but I felt somewhat guilty or more so confused as to what I should be feeling. She had suggested I try to resolve things with Sarah in the event the child is mine and try to situate myself in a position that enables me to afford the kido.

Our worries were given the foreign exchange it would be difficult to support the kid from jamaica. Therefore try to resolve things and marry and stay as a family. I had consulted a lawyer as well and that too was his suggestion. A bout a month back Sarah had announced her interest in marriage to have a united family.

However when I brought it up, it was no longer the case, she stated that 3 years were too inadequate to say you know someone and marriage is a huge commitment, to which I pointed at the baby, pretty much how cardi b pointed at the lady suing her. She shook her head and said it was different.

I reminded her that from the beginning of this relationship I had told her that after 2 years marriage is next or talks of marriage and she had agreed so y now change your mind, and if you had felt this way why not say it from the start to not waste our time.

She then said she didn't think I was serious and 10 years is a better time, I told her I could have done a bachelor's, master and doctorate I'm 10 years so it makes no sense to waste my time waiting 10 years for marriage. She then said fine we can do things ur way, However I would have to see if her parents were OK with it.

I told her I would not bring this to her parents unless she was absolutely sure marriage is what she wanted and also y should it matter what the parents think, at our age you should be capable of making your decisions.

It went on for a bit and at some points I found myself asking Kerry for advice on how to talk to Sarah to which she in fact gave solid pointers and told me to lower my tone and try to be more understanding etc. To which I suppose it ended the disagreement.

The rest of my time there we went out, I took Sarah out and asked her mom to watch the baby. Figured she needed a break, we went bowling and stuff, got wine and her fav food etc. I also went to church with her family as well as dinner. At one point while dressing the baby i noticed he had a birth mark on his leg very similar to the one on my thigh.

It's very distinct, its like a tatoo with lighter pigmentation and that stayed on my mind for a bit. Time went by and soon enough I returned to finish my contract. Before I returned I received a message from the lab confirming that they received the samples. It wasn't until a day after I returned while at work I received another email with a pdf attached.

His genetic markers were very close to mine and the lab stated that with regards to paternity it had been concluded that there is more that %99.90 percent probability that the alleged is infact the father therefore he can't be ruled out. And I suppose that cemented what it is I already suspected. There it was, nothing I could do.

Sarah hadn't had an affair or anything of the sort much like I suspected, which is why I tried to show up during this craziness. Like I said from the start she hadn't given me any reason to doubt her in the past aside from the craziness that occurred.

I shared the rezukts with Kerry and she was more happy than I was, she was very elated and saying atleast you know so now you won't wry. I asked her what would this mean now to which she explained how things would be.

Shortly after my contract ended and I returned to jamaica for an interview. I got a job and I spend my afternoons facetiming to see my son, Sarah is interested in rekindling things, there is talks of marriage occurring but Idk I feel like there's so much uncertainty, like she could change her mind tomorrow you know.

Also I'm having a hard time trying to decide if I listen to my heart or my brain. Kerry and I are friends we now work together but I suppose the dynamic has changed. We hardly speak, which is expected I guess.

As for me idk, I just wanna see my son, I've discussed child support with Sarah, with my salary and exchange rate I can afford 250 maybe 300 a month, she was opposed to me paying at all but I told her, since I can't be there atleast make me feel some form of responsibility as a man and as a dad.

Haven't told my family about this yet, only my mom knows, not sure how life will turn out but for now I'm teaching to get experience then maybe leave to get a job in the states for more stable income.

Also still not on bc, something about she submitting his documents late and it’s taking a longer time to process so not sure when we’ll get back his bc to do any corrections. There’s talks of getting his passport sorted once it’s done for him to visit in jan.

God bless you all and thanks for following my story, I hope if anyone encounter anything similar you have the strength to get through it. Still can't believe this my life feels like a story u hear that's too good to be true or those fake tiktok stories.