'My GF's roommate and her boyfriend treat me like crap, so I got the ultimate revenge.' UPDATED

"Deliberately treat me like an AH? Enjoy driving across the state!"

Backstory: I recently started dating a girl from my college again (we had broken up for about 4 months; but that's irrelevant to the story). I fell head-over-heels for her again right away, and am making a point of making sure she doesn't get away again.

Anyway, she has a tremendously AHish roommate (we'll call her B) that also happens to be one of her close friends. B started dating another close friend of my girlfriend, who is from her hometown (about 5 hours away). Well B's new boyfriend (we'll call him AH) is a complete AH.

But because they are close friends of the girl I love and am determined to make things work with, I have been making a huge effort to get along with them. Now unfortunately, as with most of her friends, I was not particularly keen on being nice to this couple.

See, when my GF and I broke up this summer, I received several unprovoked messages from B about how the breakup was my fault and everything I was doing was negatively affecting GF's mental health.

Please note that B had no idea why we had broken up (which was completely GF's fault - she accepts full responsibility), and is under the illusion that she is a relationship expert and that she is GF's best friend and knows everything that was going on between us (when in fact, she had been kept completely out of the loop.)

Once GF and I started dating, B told AH that I had threatened to k**l her and "didn't know if I was serious." She probably misheard me and GF joking to each other (we both occasionally aggravate the hell out of each other, but in an oddly endearing way) and decided to create drama.

So before I ever meet AH, I start getting cringe-worthy, alphamale-esque threats about how "I better show his girl some respect, or he's gonna come up here and kick my ass" referring to something I didn't really even say. So needless to say, I'm not in a particularly friendly mood, yet I do my best to tough it out in order to make things go more smoothly with GF.

The Provocation: So last week, AH is in town visiting B, so of course I have to meet AH and interact more than usual with B. I go WAY out of my way to be nice to AH, complimenting his stories and being overly polite, and invite him back to my flat for a drink (he did not partake as he would have to drive later, but it's the gesture that counts, right?).

I'm also incredibly nice to B in the face of her passive-aggressive comments to everything I say or do. Still, the crapsnackers insist on showing me every ounce of disrespect they can muster. I could go on and on listing every example of behavior designed to bring me down, but as I seem to have already produced a fairly sizeable wall of text, I'll limit it to the most recent few:

-I walk into a room and, with an optimistic smile on my face, greet the 3 of them (GF, B, AH), and while GF loudly returns my greeting, while B and AH make a point of refusing to look up from their conversation. I ask how everyone's doing, GF replies, and I hear an unintelligible mumble come from the corner of B's mouth.

GF speaks up, "B says she's fine," in a voice that's obviously trying to break the tension. B then raises her voice just a little and, barely audibly mutters, in the most passive aggressive tone I've ever heard, "not that you'd care." I continue to smile through my teeth, trying not to snap at her unprecedented rudeness.

-Throughout his visit, AH continues to berate me for anything he can think of: my major (engineering), my university (one of the highest ranked in academics in the nation), and my pastimes (I used to play [U.S.] football). Fine, whatever, I can handle that. But what'll really cut the the quick is continuously putting down the girl I deeply care about- that I'm not going to stand for.

-I offer to use my student ID to buzz AH into my building's parking garage so he won't have to pay an arm and a leg for overnight parking; he not-so-graciously accepts this offer.

He knows where it is, so I tell him to leave about 30 seconds after I do so that I have time to park and run back to the front to swipe my card. It is a little over a 5-minute drive, but after 5 minutes of standing in the bitter cold after parking, GF calls him, only to find out that he had just gotten around to leaving, forcing us to stand out in the cold for another 5 minutes.

-Both of the douchenozzles frequently try and convince GF that she shouldn't be with me, even in my presence.

I could go on and on, but for the sake of the reader, I won't.

The Revenge: After such a long buildup, I apologize if the revenge appears unsatisfying. I find out that AH had moved his car since I had let him in and was parking in a nearby garage that offered cheap weekend parking. Said garage is on my way to almost every class, so I spend the next few days concocting a worthy means of revenge.

I need something that, while not too petty to fail to inconvenience him, will not be obvious enough to give him an actual reason to be mad at me, and piss off GF. The night before he was set to leave for a 4-5 hour drive across the state, I finally gave in to the voice of petty revenge.

As I pass the garage on my way to a group meeting, I pick up a twig, and after a brief search, found AH's car. I proceeded to use the twig to let air out of his tires - not enough to be a serious hazard, but enough that I was just able to squeeze the sides in with my thumb.

I then let significantly more air out of his front right tire (which he would not see from the direction he would come in) to the point where it had started to bulge on the bottom - not enough to cause danger, but enough to warrant refilling his tires soon.

I continued on the way to my meeting, but I could only think about how little this would inconvenience him, as the dumbass probably wouldn't even notice, and I wasn't going to let out enough air to risk getting caught (it probably wouldn't've taken much effort to prove I was the one f--er there that hated him), or worse, causing an accident during his trip.

So on my way back from my meeting, I stopped by the garage again. When I reached AH's car again, looked around, dropped my pants and urinated all over the driver's side door handle. And I mean all over it. As in I was holding this piss in for a while, so there was no lack in flow.

I made sure to get it in every crevice possible: I pulled out the handle and peed underneath it, ensuring that the urine made it to the inside of the mechanism and left a small puddle of residue on the inside of the grip (where his fingertips would land when he pulled the handle).

I inserted one of my spare keys into the keyhole in order to allow the urine inside that mechanism, and I drenched the edges of the window in the hopes that the seal of his car was as loose as that of my 1999 Ford. I even made eye-contact with a passerby exiting the garage, but didn't stop my stream. After soaking his vehicle with the contents of my bladder, I spat a few times before feeling content.

Yes, I realize this was extremely petty and likely hardly affected him, but I am planning for this to be the first of a long series of acts of petty revenge I planning on enacting on that couple of s**tdribblers. It's been very difficult to find an opening to f with B, and AH goes to school hours away.

But I plan to continue to post updates of whenever I stumble upon an opportunity to pettily inconvenience those f***weasels. Thanks for listening to my ranting.

TL;DR: Roommate adopts a vicious pet ferret; I showed him a magic involving a jar of peanut butter and a lot of Vaseline.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Dustorn wrote:

Might I ask why your girlfriend has befriended these goblins?

OP responded:

I frequently wonder the same thing. It pisses me the hell off.

thornbaby wrote:

Ummm...the TL;DR...ah, yeah, okay.

Besides that, I loved the mental image of you peeing all over his car. I hope it is literally freezing cold well you are and the pee all freezes solid.

OP responded:

Yeah...that TL;DR... my roommate and I were bored...we got a chuckle out of it, and that's all that matters in the long run, right?

llll wrote:

Should piss on the cabin air inlet at the base of the windshield. Smell would be nice.

OP responded:

Will definitely do that next time, thanks stranger!

Weeks later, OP shared an update:

Anyway, since last time, my girlfriend (GF) has confronted B concerning her behavior, and, in the last week or so, B has been making an effort to be less of a b-word. AH, however, is living up to his namesake more than ever.

To keep things short, he’s being a little cockswallower about every little thing in his and B’s relationship, making B cry to GF, while he complains to GF, and will verbally ab*se GF (via text, of course) for not answering his calls for attention while we are out on a nice date, which will upset GF, who has a need to make everyone happy.

He’s been up to this cumgargling shit more this week and last, which has really been taking a toll on GF, who was already mildly stressed due to the start of classes and developing a new schedule, as well as a lot of other crap. She’s been noticeably upset from when he started his shit last week until last night, which kind of made the last week suck for me.

I’m not going to bore you with the other crap he’s pulled recently, mostly because I hate typing, and there is still much more to tell. The Almost Revenge: So the other day, I found out that AH was coming to visit B later that night (of course their relationship is all good when he gets the opportunity to screw).

Well, I was at GF’s dorm hanging out, and she was getting rid of some condoms her ex gave her (it’s weird to keep them; I’d rather buy new ones…) by giving them to B and A to use.

Now, I totally had the opportunity to reach into GF’s sewing kit when she left the room, take her needle, and discreetly put holes in them, but considering that I’m not a completely terrible person (and I’m not extremely eager to expedite the reproduction of the scum of the earth), I repress the evil in me. Hear that?

I’m not a horrible person, and am not sinking below their level. Ok? Good. So don’t judge me for what I did next…

The Revenge: So as you may have read in my last post, I enacted my revenge last time by both letting a slight amount of air out of the little licker’s tires and relieving my bladder onto his car, especially under the door handle.

Well, I received quite a few critiques about my performance, and was able to better enact my revenge this time. So that night, I was having a few drinks (read: getting sloshed) with a couple friends when we decided to go visit a certain attraction on campus. It just so happens that, along the path to this attraction, lies the garage in which Asshole parked on his most recent visit.

Well, on the way there's another member of my party (T) and I felt the sudden urge to urinate. “What better spot,” we thought, “than that buttstuffer’s car to relieve ourselves?” It took minimal effort to locate the target vehicle, as it had been parked in almost the same spot as last time – right next to the entrance.

This time, however, instead of focusing all of our energy on the door, we also made a point of micturating into the grille, as well as the vents at the bottom of the windshield, hoping that next time the cumguzzler runs his heater, he’ll catch a whiff of ammonia and uric acid. Now at this point in the story, the reader may be thinking, “Well, telehubby, that revenge wasn’t a lot a lot better than last time.”

But here’s where the story gets rather viciouos. On our way back from the aforementioned attraction, we passed the parking garage again. It is now well past 2:00 am by this point (then again, I had had quite a few more drinks by this point, so I can’t say for sure…), and we decide that our previous revenge wasn’t nearly severe enough.

Now, for a bit of background, during the time in question, I had been suffering from bowel movements of very low consistency, such that if I were to walk and/or sweat after passing such a movement, I would have to return to the bathroom soon afterwards to treat a case of “swamp **”.

Having thought of this before I left the attraction (drunk me is evil), I stuffed my back pocket with a few squares of TP. By the time we were passing the garage again, I was in desperate need of a courtesy wipe. I think you see where this is going.

That AH got doo-doo smeared underneath his door handle, as well as several more piss showers; if I recall correctly, AH may want to top off on air in one of his tires…

Bonus: As it turns out (my memory starts to fade at this point), either me or T took one of AH’s stupid bumper magnets and put it on our refrigerator (if I had to guess, I’d say me). So he finally gets paid back for everything he’s “accidentally borrowed” from GF, and my roommates and I now have a new ‘ironic’ refrigerator decoration.

TL;DR: If you forget to check the toilet my ferret before sitting down, your bum will suffer the consequences.

Here's what people had to say to OP's update:

5t4k3 wrote:

Honestly, I'd slash at least one tire.

OP responded:

Yeah, I did laundry the next day and found the cap to the tire valve in my pants pocket...so there's that. I honestly wish I had left it there and cleaned up some of my TP mess so it didn't look like outright vandalism.

LawofWolves wrote:

It kinda sounds like that dude in Shaun of the Dead - David, I think? Being so insufferable to Shaun because he secretly wanted Shaun's girlfriend over his own (Shaun's GF's roomie). That whining and texting her during your date thing.