'My girlfriend has been very sad since she found out her ex-boyfriend is getting married.' UPDATED
"My girlfriend has been very sad since she found out her ex-boyfriend is getting married."
So I (30m) have been dating my gf for about 4 months now. Everything was going great for us till she learned that her ex boyfriend of 9 years was getting married. They had broken up in June last year and we started dating in July this year. We have tons in common and we really enjoy each other's company.
Anyway, last week one of her old friends, who knew her ex informed my gf that he was getting married to his new gf. My gf was shocked to say the least, and when her friend left she went on Facebook and spent almost an hour looking through his profile.
Ok, he was a long time bf so she must have been curious. But ever since that day she has been really sad and stressed, and keeps spending her time on Facebook looking through everything about her ex and his bride to be.
When I finally asked if he was the one who got away from her, she denied it. She said something along the lines of "I want to see whats special about her". She says she isn't pining for him, he didn't treat her well and that even if he asked her she wouldn't go back, in fact he had reached out to her multiple times after breaking up, but she turned him down every time.
So, my question this- if you don't love him still then why be so sad about his marriage?
Why keep obsessing over his bride to be? What am I missing here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
He strung her along for 9 years and is marrying the girl he only recently met. That's probably where her sadness is coming from. Why wasn't she good enough to garner a commitment like marriage? What does this girl have that she doesn't? Not logical but that's probably what's running through her mind.
Sounds like she is over him but I would be shocked too. I’m sure she’s thinking “Are you freaking kidding me??? 9 years?? I put in 9 years and nothing and now she is getting married to him after a year?? What the hell does she have that I didn’t?” I think it’s shock plus some personal insecurities on her part that you should give her time to just process.
She spent her twenties with a guy that she very likely thought she would marry. He's probably took his sweet time until she realized her was never going to marry her. And now, a few months later he is already engaged. It stings. Gives her a bit of space. It doesn't mean she is still hung up on him, but her confidence is probably eroded.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
So I got a lot of advice on my last post, thank you. Most of it was helpful with a lot of commenters detailing their own personal and painful experiences with similar situations. It was an eye opening experience for me, so a special thanks to those commenters.
Some comments were regular reddit advice to break up and one of them even called me a cucumber (lol). But all in all making this post did really help me a lot in deciding on how to approach this with my gf. So anyways now lets get on with the actual update.
After reading the comments and doing some thinking I decided the best course of action is to talk to her. So I went to her favorite restaurant, got her favorite dish packed and then went to her apartment.
When she came out I told her that look I cant say I understand what you are going through, because I don't. Its something personal to you, and as much as I would like to help you out or share some of your grief, I respect your choice and decisions.
But as your boyfriend, I do have some rights here, and I am invoking that right and asking you that you not be "hungry" and sad. If you want to be sad then please be sad on a full stomach filled with your favorite food. That's all I ask.
Hearing this she became emotional. Then she said "I haven't been the best gf in the world for the past week, and I apologize for that. Its just that its been hard for me to see someone with whom I spent 9 years of my life and who gave me a lot of excuses, now he is just disregarding his own statements.
Can you imagine anyone in a 9 year old relationship where the couple don't live with each other, or don't go on holidays together, they have absolutely no talk of getting engaged or married?
Hell, he even got upset if I sent him a text while he was working. Well, me and my ex were like that. He always used to say that marriage as an institution is archaic and he wont participate in it.
Also he looked down upon age gap relationships too. Now he is marrying someone 8 years younger than him, and is already living with her and gone on holidays together too.
That's why I have been feeling down. I don't want him back, I have already upgraded to a much higher level (she meant me) but its just the feeling of wasting 9 years of my life which is the most painful".
So I gave her a hug and told her that if she wanted a shoulder to cry on or a mouth to talk trash about her ex, I can do both. So we both shared a laugh then. When I was leaving she asked if she can stay with me for a few days as she doesn't want to be alone, I said sure.
So she came with me and right now she is setting up her work station in my other bedroom while I am making this update. She will be staying with me the whole week. So thank you again people, you have been of immense help.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
It's nice too see a couple that can actually communicate for once. I can understand where she is coming from in regards too her ex and I fully understand your reasons for concern in the first place. Glad you were both able to talk about it and sort it out properly. I wish you both well in the future.
Healthy communication ✓
Behaving like an adults ✓
For once, I’m happy that everyone involved behaved like adults and acted sensibly.
She’s grieving the waste of her time on such a waste of a person. She’s grieving that she didn’t know sooner to expect better for herself. She’s grieving the damage to her self esteem that she let build year after year.
She’s grieving the loss of the parts of herself that she gave up for so long especially when it’s starkly shown how worthless it was to have given anything. She’s not grieving for him. She’s grieving for herself. And the beautiful part is her new boyfriend is a person who is worth her time and will help her build herself up.