'AITA for thinking my GF's dynamic with her male 'best friend' is inappropriate?' UPDATED

"Am I wrong for thinking my girlfriend's dynamic with her male 'best friend' feels inappropriate?"

I’ve (28) been dating Julia (25) for about a year. We’ve been friends for four years, but she's always meant the world to me. We’ve both expressed how this feels like a very serious relationship (talking formally moving in soon, marriage, kids etc).

The first few weeks we were dating, Julia introduced me to her “best friend”, a man named Tom (25). Tom was a randomly assigned roommate in a group rental when she moved into the city 3 years ago. After she moved out, they remained close friends.

To me, Tom seemed like a nice enough guy. Once I met him, the kinda lizard part of my brain that keeps a subconscious lookout for competitors went silent. I saw him as harmless and not a threat at all: he’s a bit of a quiet pothead with a pretty normal marketing job.

He’s not an unusually good looking guy, he’s a bit out of shape, his interests seem pretty limited, and he doesn’t seem to have much ambition other than hanging out with friends, smoking weed, and playing video games. I don't mean any of this in a disparaging way. He just didn't seem like Julia's type per se.

Julia invited him out with us on multiple occasions the first few months we were dating and I made every effort to be as friendly as possible, trying to take an interest in his job, talking about his interests in gaming and music etc. I bought his sister a drink at a food festival (she tagged along) and later covered one of his meals when he realized he didn’t have cash on him (though he never got me back).

He seemed like a decent person and during our limited interactions he genuinely grew on me. About a month into the relationship, Julia dropped a bombshell on me: a few years ago during their time as roommates, she and Tom had a month-long romantic fling. They slept together "at least twice" before she ended things. In her words, their physical connection was "really bad", and they were better as friends.

I don't have a ton of experience when it comes to dating, but this felt like a red flag to me. However, I’m living in a big city now, and I knew going into this relationship that Julia is more of a free spirit. Plus, it was three years ago, and I’m completely in love with her now. I therefore have spent months trying to convince myself that it's not a big deal at all.

However, since learning about her past with Tom, Julia and I have been having big arguments as I’ve increasingly struggled to deal with difficult feelings of jealousy. Basically, situations I previously might have thought were harmless now just drive me up the wall. For example:

- I’ve started noticing that Julia texts and calls Tom pretty much everyday. They talk just as frequently, if not more frequently than her women friends. I have not snooped (nor would I), but Julia heavily implies that while most of the conversation is shallow, she often discusses important, more emotional or personal topics with him.

- Julia confides in Tom about significant and private details related to our relationship. In addition to speaking with him about arguments we’ve had, she has also told him about more intimate, private details related to our intimate life.

For example, one week I thought I was having a serious pain-related sexual problem, which scared me enough to go to the doctor's office. After it turned out that I was fine, Julia laughingly told Tom about the whole mishap.

- When I’m not around to hangout, Julia will go hangout with Tom without me. To me, these hangouts almost have the makings of dates: they go on long walks in the park, they go dancing, they go thrift store shopping, they see movies, they get dinner, they might go to a bar afterwards etc.

He once hit her up with an extra ticket to a concert with her favorite singer. I obviously never expected to third-wheel their friendship, but after almost a year, Tom has never once invited me to tag along.

- One time when I got out of work early, Julia invited me last minute to a dinner that Tom had previously scheduled with her at a popular restaurant (needs reservations).

When I got there, Tom and Julia had started eating already, and the hostess told me there were no more seats, so I left and sat in the park by myself and ate a deli sandwich before meeting up with them almost an hour and a half later at a nearby bar. Julia apologized, saying she had sent a text (about 5 minutes) before I arrived saying there were no seats left.

- I bought a fancy cake pan for my new apartment at Julia’s suggestion because she said she wanted to make me a lemon cake (my favorite) for the first time.

While I was out of town, she sent me a video of her, in my apartment (where I regularly let her stay while I’m out/on a business trip), with Tom and a woman friend with a fresh-baked lemon cake. When I got home a few days later, I found she had left me a few cut up pieces of leftover cake in a box.

- For Christmas, Tom bought her a purse. It’s not super expensive ($100), and it's definitely a gag gift (on the side it has a meme reference), but it still felt strange to me. I have close women friends (who I've not slept with) with boyfriends and I feel like I would definitely think twice before buying them a purse.

I wonder if Julia would be okay with me buying another woman a purse. Julia now wears the purse wherever she goes.

- While I was on a camping trip with some friends, Julia was staying at my apartment. On my way back home I asked her what she was up to and she said she had invited Tom over (to my apartment) to watch a movie after they got dinner. By the time I got home, Tom was gone.

- I’ve asked Julia if Tom has dated anyone since they stopped hooking up a few years ago and she says no. He has apparently had a hookup or two with randos from parties, but has not dated at all.

As someone who has previously been attracted to a woman friend without their knowledge (let alone someone I've hooked up with), it feels to me like Tom is possibly still a bit infatuated with Julia, even if he's not really conscious of it day to day.

And though I don't believe Julia currently has any explicit feelings (romantic or sexual) for Tom, I can’t help but feel that in the aftermath of their relationship, they have an emotional intimacy that sometimes feels a bit inappropriate given our current relationship and their history.

To me, it sometimes almost feels like she has a second partner that has a similar level of emotional access, and it puts a great deal of pressure on me. In my head its like, "If I’m not taking her out on a date, she’s hanging out with a former lover. If we have an argument, she’s telling a former lover etc."

I don't think Julia would cheat on me, nor do I even really think Tom is actively making a pass at her. I guess I just feel disrespected on some level (though I really struggle to articulate exactly why). It's also given me some odd questions about the future of our relationship.

If we get married, is my wife just always going to be hanging out with this guy she previously slept with and has this deep emotional connection with? Is he going to be constantly in the loop on our marital disagreements? etc.

Julia and I have been arguing for almost a month over Tom as I've tried (admittedly imperfectly) to just express how I feel. Though I recognize their friendship has had a positive impact on her life, and I would never forbid her from remaining friends with him, she recently told me during an argument, unprompted, that if I ever gave her an ultimatum to choose between me and him, she would leave me.

She insists there is absolutely nothing between the two of them, and that their dynamic is entirely normal for people in the city. Further, she says that anything I feel is just projection due to my comparative dating inexperience. I love and respect Julia deeply, and the harshness of her pushback against me even expressing how I feel has me really questioning everything.

I’m aware that I have many biases and maybe there’s a possibility here where I’m just a sheltered prude who needs to catch up with the modern state of the world, so I would really welcome everyone’s perspective on this situation, particularly folks who may not agree with me. Thank you.

What so you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

virtualchoirboy said:

I'd be hard pressed to say there's something serious there on the romantic side. There is most definitely some disrespect though. It sounds like you two have never had a conversation about relationship privacy at a minimum. My wife and I have talked about that since our earliest days.

If I relayed any medical information about her life without her prior approval, it would be a problem. She's private and likes to remain private so I respect that choice of hers.

I'm also curious if you knew that she was inviting Tom over to YOUR apartment prior to him showing up. It doesn't sound like it. She doesn't actively live there which, for me, means that she doesn't have the right to invite people over without getting your approval first. Honestly, that alone would put a serious crimp on any relationship for me. The lack of respect for your private space is stunning.

Honestly, it's not that he's a part of her life. It's more that she doesn't seem to be as respectful of a relationship with you as you would like her to be. I also don't think that's going to change either. I suspect you can do better.

gabehcuod37 said:

Dude. She sat inside and ate dinner with Tom while you ate a deli sandwich. Screw that my man. She has zero respect for you.

Jelybones said:

I can remove everything because the only thing you need to know is that in the end, she will pick Tom over you. her words.

Comfortable-Focus123 said:

The red flag for me here is she invited Tom over to your apartment when you were not there. Actually it is not her right to invite anyone over to your apartment without your permission. It does sound like they are close friends, and you may be overreacting. BUT, she almost seems to prioritize Tom over you. I would not give her an ultimatum, but maybe you two are not compatible.

Lea_R_ning said:

Trust your gut OP! “If you gave her an ultimatum to choose, she’d leave you.” Err, emotionally she’s already his.

UPDATE:

Holy sh*t. When I originally made this post a few weeks ago, I thought I'd get like 3-4 responses tops...I never expected to get this much traction. I woke up the next day to thousands of comments notifications. My phone would not stop buzzing. I actually had to change my privacy settings because a mod told me the post was probably going to hit the literal front page of Reddit.

In addition to all the comments, I also received around ~400 or so private messages, 99% kind and supportive, several of them quite long, and (surprisingly) a bit more than half from women. I'm trying to go through and respond to the more meaningful ones, but to be honest its all a bit much.

After reading thousands of your comments, I think the key takeaway for me has been realizing that Tom is not really the problem at all. My jealousy is a distraction from the elephant in the room: Julia does not seem to really respect me as an equal partner, nor does she seem to really care much about my feelings as a person.

I've been likely fixating on Tom because I guess I just did not want to admit that Julia is not very kind to me. On the one hand, it has been incredibly validating to realize that this situation isn't normal, and I'm not crazy for feeling put off by it.

On the other hand, being forced to confront that my partner doesn't seem to love me the way I love them has been very disheartening. I think I knew deep down, I just didn't want to believe it. I guess I just wanted to live a bit longer in the fantasy. Thank you everyone for your input.