'AITA for ghosting 30+ longtime friends after none of them showed up to my birthday?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for ghosting 30+ longtime friends after none of them showed up to my birthday?"

I (30F) just turned 30 on June 20th, and what should have been a special milestone turned into one of the most hurtful experiences I’ve had with my friends. Some context: In my 20s, I had a solid group of friends that I saw almost daily.

A couple of years ago, I had to unexpectedly leave my hometown to go live I a metropolis, but we all kept in touch and continued to support each other emotionally. I’ve always been the "go-to" person...

I work as a social worker in addiction support, run a nonprofit that provides free clothing and outreach to people experiencing homelessness, and I’ve helped many of these friends find therapists, doctors, housing, and even safety from toxic relationships. I always had a couch, a hot meal, and a listening ear for anyone who needed it.

This year, I decided to plan something special for my 30th. I spent two months organizing a party with a silly theme: people over 30 would dress as geriatric patients, and the under-30s would be our “nurses” trying to keep us from doing anything too reckless.

People loved the idea and were really hyped about it. Knowing that some of my friends struggle with ADHD or planning, I even sent a few reminders as the date got closer.

Then two weeks before the party, a friend in my current city told me that my ex had invited him and a few others (who were also planning to attend my party) to a music festival that same weekend. They all chose the festival instead. That stung, but I thought, "Okay, maybe it’s just the newer friends."

A week before the party, I posted an update on social media saying how much it would mean to me to see my friends on this milestone. People responded with enthusiasm and told me they wouldn't miss it for the world.

Then...the day of the party came. The cancellations started rolling in: “I don’t feel like driving an hour.” “I’m not feeling great today.” “I decided last minute to visit another city.” And of course: “I’m going to a festival.”

In the end, only 3 people truly made plans to be there. I was so heartbroken that I canceled the whole thing two hours before people were supposed to arrive. After that, I mass deleted over 300 people from my socials, 30 of whom were close friends. I can't lie and say that I wasn't feeling spiteful as I did it.

What happened next? A few of the people I deleted reached out, saying things like “no hard feelings, I was not feeling good today. We're all good, right?” and wanted me to reassure them that everything was fine. Others immediately resumed asking me for favors like a place to crash because they were visiting my city for a festival soon...as if nothing had happened.

I’ve chosen not to respond or to respond simply with “I’m not ready to talk. If I am one day, I’ll reach out. I won’t apologize for how I feel right now.” That said, I did make a point to go out with the 3 people who had planned to be there. I appreciated their effort more than they knew. So…AITA for ghosting over 30 people who couldn't come to my birthday, even after I’ve given them multiple reminders?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

ACM915 said:

NTA - it’s unfortunate that people choose to act like that. It sucks that your birthday was ruined and it’s good that you took the initiative to remove all of those people from your lives. It taught you a lesson that some people use distance as an excuse to stop being your friend which I believe is what happened to you.

Annual_Version_6250 said:

NTA. You should be proud of yourself. It takes people a long time to learn how to cut toxic people out of their lives. You learned early and did it en masse. You go!

andyANDYandyDAMN said:

Absolutely NTA. They could have said they wouldn't come. They could have cancelled days before. And this is coming from a person who hates parties but go anyway because I appreciate the person who invited. But also, I can't imagine having 30 close friends. That is a hella unmanageable number. Maybe the rest weren't friends to begin with?

PaperGoodsAddict29 said:

This is horrible, I’m sorry this happened to you OP. Good for you to still celebrate with the 3 real friends you have, and to purge your life of the other parasites. NTA.

Vivid-Farm6291 said:

I’m sorry they all let you down but they did show you how much they think of you. Please don’t allow any of them to use you for favors or couches. Now you know you have 3 solid friends. Again I’m sorry this has to hurt and considering how generous with support you have been it’s just a big kick in the teeth. NTA.

Various-General-8610 said:

Definitely NTA. I was always the friend who attended pampered chef (and their ilk) parties for my friends, purchased products etc. The one time I tried hosting one-to help a friend practice no less- not one person showed up. Including my best friend.

I made a vow to NEVER buy these friends stuff- Mary Kay, Tupperware, oils etc. Whatever MLM they were hawking. My bestie got her butt chewed when she tried to sell me her stomach wrap thing, or her juice plus...or her herbalife pills, or her pampered chef...I hate people sometimes.

CrymsonViking said:

Happy Birthday!!! Your 30s are such an amazing decade and, while I'm sorry this happened, I'm so glad you entered it knowing who your real friends are. I would maybe give the person(s) not feeling well another chance to make it up to you. As someone who often has to miss out and cancel plans due to my health, it's worth leaving that open. NTA.

FIRST UPDATE:

I'm getting a bit roasted over my theme for the party. This theme wasn't only chosen by me. It was picked by a group of people of all ages and, as most of us met while we were performing circus acts and as I usually do themed parties, people did show real excitement for the event.

Maybe it's not everyone's cup of tea, but if you know and love me that party's level of silly is in tune with my whole energy and the one I used to look for in friends. However, I just wanted to tell you all that I did offer changing the theme after the first batch of people dropped out and offered to just do a BBQ in the park where we would not get too belligerent...

...in order to respect the sober homies who told me they still wanted to show up (and I didn't include sober people in the list of people I deleted on that day because I understand it might be harder to be in a party atmosphere if you are struggling with sobriety).

I honestly don't think the theme should be a reason not to come, especially since it was always just an explicit suggestion people seemed to resonate with. I also explained in some comments why I considered 30 of these people as closer friends.

I do admit that 20 around out of these 30 were less of a gut punch but actually stung more now knowing that the couple that actually mattered most and that I poured love and energy into ghosted as well

SECOND UPDATE:

I decided to send a message to 7 of the people who did not come. These were people who were long-time friends who I felt deserved an explanation It is really shortened for time, but the main of it was similar to this:

Hey, I wanted to share something that’s been on my mind. For my 30th, I planned two months ahead, hoping to spend time with people I care about, but I ended up alone despite people telling me they would come, and honestly, it hurt.

I’m not blaming anyone in particular because if it was just you and others came, i wouldn't have thought so long about this. but it made me reflect on my relationships and how much energy I give vs. receive.

I’m realizing I need more balanced connections—where I’m not always the one reaching out, organizing, or holding space. If we’re going to stay close, I’d need you to make the first move. I care about you and hope we can reconnect in a way that feels mutual, but I also understand if you outgrew this relationship and need to make place for other things.

Most of the people who reached back were apologetic and told me that they would make more efforts in the coming month to show me that they cared about our friendship.

One person opened up about how she has been isolated from most friends since she got sober and is finding it hard to be a present friend to anyone. We talked for a while and decided we would remain good acquaintances for a time being and catch each other when we are in the same city.

If we are going to work out eventually, we need to both not ask for extensive support from one another, and that is actually really ok with me that she was able to be so frank.

One person already invited me for a do-over between the both of us, where we are going to celebrate both of our past birthdays together, and I honestly really love that. She is taking me in nature to go fishing, which I love.

Two people I was a bit more hurt by told me they were going to try, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt and won't plan anything or help out until I can trust them more. There was only one of the people who answered back so far that was still playing the guilt trip card and asking me for help.

It stings because that person is my oldest friend and the person I put the most energy in helping. I'm going to let that friendship go respectfully. I'm also not going to go into too many details yet because this realization still hurts me and I need to process a bit more.

Anyways, maybe this isn't a satisfactory update, but I also sent a message to my ex, and im waiting for a response, so maybe there will be a juicier update in the future . If nothing else comes of it, I feel like I learned important lessons, and I feel like I made my part in trying to better understand what actual friendships are.